I have no idea why I still care about you. Just stalked your facebook. I'm such a loser. You will have forgotten all about me by now. C is off to visit you. I bet A, N, E and R will also be visiting you. And I'm sitting here desperately wishing it was me. Fuck. So much regret. So much fucking regret.
I wonder if you'd like me now. I'm a lot different to when you last saw me. And I'd try really hard to be interested in your life and ask the right questions and tell top quality stories. I wish I had another chance with you all.
But it's too late. Far too late. Tempted to delete you all from facebook. Gracefully end that chapter of my past and move on, with my new life. But who would I delete? R, C, A, E (my best friend of 10 ten years), N, R. Then I'd probably have to delete all your siblings as well. And a lot of our mutual friends. A whole big messy web of bad memories.
Three years seems like a lifetime ago, but the ache in my stomach hurts just as much as then. I don't know what to do.
S asked me out on Monday, J still keeps a box of all the things we used to share and tells me a part of him will always love me, A admitted to me he could no longer talk to me as pining after me was f*cking him up K has invited me out for dinner N has been texting and calling me constantly to see me.
I wish I could ask for your help and admit how far this has all gotten. I know you're the people I need to tell because you can actually help me stop this; but I am finding myself less and less likely to ask for help. I don't care about me any more. I should; I know. I just don't.
Fuck. I'm a danger to myself.
I wish I could be superwoman and save all the people. But I'm broken, I'm so broken. I'm so sorry. So sorry.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
A, I've pretty much given up on you. We haven't said two words to each other in months. I've made an effort to re-establish contact, you've made none. I've been thinking about why you want nothing to do with me anymore. I think it's because you know I've been doing better this year than I have been in a long time. A year ago you were afraid to walk away in case I reacted badly. Now you know I won't, so you're gone. Because it's finally save to sever ties with me.
And you're right, it is safe. Because I don't need you. I don't need a fair weather friend. I don't need someone like you in my life. I'm not going to waste one more second of my life wondering why you're not talking to me, agonising over it, wondering where our friendship went. I officially don't care anymore. I don't care about our pitiful excuse for a friendship, and I don't care about you.
Please help me. I'm failing at helping myself. Please pull me back. Please get me out of here. Please don't let me die here. Please don't stop caring. Please just make it stop.
Kismet I have been reading your ran thread. Please do say what you need to say and ask or support. That's what your other half is there for. To show you love and support and help you through hard times, I'm sure you would try do the same for him also. Approach him with how you feel and focus on you alone without anything he finds lost for words with,..eg your dad. Writing the things can sometimes help.
I'm scared about next week because I know things are going to be so much worse...I'm sorry in advance for being useless or letting you down. I don't mean to but I just can't carry on like this.
Thank you for really making an effort today, I appreciate it. I felt more accepted and at ease. I hope maybe things will get a bit easier from here on but I won't push it I'm just thankful that tonight went well. :)
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
i try so hard. i want to be normal and working, so bad. but no one can see that. no one seems to understand how hard it is for me just to get out of bed.
Palliative care? Refusing PEG treatment? Im scared to be without you. I'm scared your leaving. I hate myself for the thoughts I am facing. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be in pain. But selfishly, perhaps selfishly of all, I want to know what is going on. Several of the staff thought I was your daughter, I see you more than either of your children and yet legally they have more sway with your care than me. I'm scared of being shut out. I'm scared of being cut out. I feel like I am losing my mother. I wish it WAS her going through this and not you. I've only ever trusted two people 100%. Grandpa had to leave 2008. I know you belong together, I know how hard it has been to fight and exist without him. I just want the two of you back. I would trade anyone or anything bar Tam.
![[Luna]'s Avatar](image.php?s=abbe95c69e0315c33697dc75a083689b&u=32920&dateline=1692390196)
