It's the warm feeling of just floating along...of just being able to take a step back and breathe...I can't apologise for that... I know I am still hurting over letting myself down... and for losing the keys... I need to and will punish myself... I'm probably making things worse by putting it off by drinking...
I want to tell you so much it hurts.
I wish we could go back to a year ago, at the end of that day, after hours of being young and reckless and pissing off almost every retail worker in the city. Trying on each other's shoes in some terrible department store, walking around and checking ourselves out in the mirror; you in HMV telling me just how awesome Led Zeppelin are. And then just laughing there on that sofa, while shrinking our heads to avoid getting kicked out. I heard your heart beat faster before you said it. It didn't even need to be said.
I wish I'd told you everything. And not the smart things or the right things or whatever. I wish I'd told you everything.
And then we went to see that film with your friends, who were drunk and still thought we were together, which I guess makes sense cause I was still lying on your chest and playing with your fingers throughout. I hated saying goodbye.
I'm glad we're such good friends. But I never stopped.
I don't want to leave you, but I have to. You've been the best friend a person could ask for, but I can't make you put up with me. And it tears me apart to say this, but i have to leave.
There's a lot of things I am feeling and things I need to say, but I can't think of the words to write and I just... I don't even know. I want to cry but I can't make my eyes work and I need a hug but I'm too scared to ask, I'm too scared to be touched. I am so vulnerable.
I'd like it to be May now, please.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
It sounds stupid and you'd probably laugh if I ever told you
I hate that I love you. I've loved you for so long. I was so happy just to talk to you. You were the only one who put a smile on my face. Then you met her, who was like a sister to me. And I hear from everyone now how cute you two would look together. And you bought into that. Now you love her. And I hear from her constantly about how sweet you are to her. She shows me your texts and admiring notes. You call her honey, sweetie. She knew how I felt but I told her its ok. What's meant to be is meant to be. If you love her, you love her. We can't control that. But I can't control how I feel either. And I love you. You belittle youself too much. You say you're not handsome, but you're the most handsome man I've ever met. You say you're not funny, then why can you make me laugh so easily? It sounds stupid, I know, but when I look at you I see pure perfection.
You once told me that crying was useless, that I should dry my tears. That's what I want to tell you. I want to say goodbye to you, but doing so might make me never smile again. I'd shed a thousand tears if I did. I don't know what would hurt me more; forcing a smile as you wrap your favorite leather jacket around her and stroke her hair or leave the both of you for good?
That made me feel like a fraud. And I think I was so angry at you over that because of the ficticious disorder I definitely do not have because I'm not a moron.
I wasted expensive one way train tickets. Don't you all dare try to make out thats a good thing considering the financial woes.
Please just bear with me whilst the current bit of 'man up and deal' kicks in- it'll be soon and then it will be business as usual.
I do not have an eating disorder. Please stop trolling me. Your height-measurement thingy must be wrong.
And yet X, worked out just before I posted, fingers flying across the screen effortlessly in a calculation they know by heart, using the weight measurement obtained using scales I shouldn't even have access to.
Jeebus. What a pickle.
When you're lonely,
I wish you love.
When you're down,
I wish you joy.
When things are complicated.
I wish you simple beauty.
When things look empty,
I wish you hope.
I'm always going to be here - I promise. We are going to make it.
I don't even know what anyone could say to me anymore. It's pathetic.
Please let me choose the way I know, the way that's comfortable. My way. My controlled way.
I'm so scared of next week and I don't think I can calm myself down at all.
You didn’t let me down,
You didn’t tear me apart,
You just opened my eyes,
While breaking my heart,
You didn’t do it for me,
I’m not as dumb as you think,
You just made me cry,
While claiming that you love me,
You love me, you love me,
You said you loved me but that
I’m not good enough, I’m not good enough..