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Old 20-07-2020, 04:34 AM   #1
kijam76's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
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[possibly triggering] [relationship] What do I do next?

Its been soooo long since I've posted here. First off, let me apologize for this long rambling post.

It feels like an entire lifetime has passed me by since the last time I was here and struggling.

I got myself into therapy, out of an abusive relationship, onto medication (what feels like all of them that were available at the time), off drugs, off medication (medically supervised), lost my visa, moved internationally, graduated university remotely after 10 years, gotten a job and worked my way up the ladder, and finally managed to stop SI'ing.

I managed to make life difficult for myself because I never thought I was worth it, and in fact I still have a hard time believing that. Every other day I have that fleeting thought pop into my brain -- that thought of worthlessness and self hatred -- the very same thoughts that caused me to start harming myself in the first place.

Now I am faced with a difficult decision and I don't know what to do. My current relationship is dead, I believe. I have never been good with emotions, but we are now not only separated by distance (because of COVID) but also by our own issues. My inability to commit, her own mental illness. My enabling behavior, and her lack of desire to do anything about her situation.

For a long time now, I feel like we have just been friends with the occasional benefits, but passion has long since faded.

I want her to move on, I want myself to move on, but I also fear for her. I worry that she cannot support herself. I worry that she would end up homeless. I love her, but as a friend. I worry about her health.

I already had the first heart to heart with her today, telling her about me not seeing a future together, voicing all these fears and concerns, and I cannot help but feel like an utter piece of s**t for it.

Has anyone ever dealt with tough truths and, end of relationship type things? What should I do? If I break up with her now she will have nothing and no means of supporting herself, but on the other hand she would have to face reality and grow up a little bit. But also if I am her support line, then what would that imply?

I have also never known a healthy relationship. In the past I have always ended up in abusive relationships, or mutually self destructive ones, where I had to leave for my own safety and severed ties completely for my own good. But because of this, I'm not really sure how a normal relationship should work, or what a healthy breakup should look like. Is it possible to keep someone in your life but stop being in a relationship? What about her own health?

Does anyone have any mature advice to give? Sorry I just really don't know what to do.

Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?
That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.
-- A.E. Housman --

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Old 27-07-2020, 07:43 PM   #2
I always have a choice
Pi.R^2's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Safety Cupboard
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First off, well done on all the progress you've made- seems like you've come a long way since you were last on here!

It seems like you know that you need and want to end the relationship, but I can very much understand your fears about the implications of leaving. I don't think that is reason to stay though, and ultimately that probably isn't what she'd want either. Does she have any mental health support at the moment? And what about family/friends? It would be nice (and also give you peace of mind!) if you were able to let one or more such people know that you are ending the relationship so that they know that they will need to be there for her and help her work out how to manage things without the support of your relationship.

I think it is possible to keep someone in your life as a friend post-breakup, though I think for me it worked better to have a bit of a gap in between, especially given the added complexity of mental health problems being involved.

If you have any questions feel free to PM, as I think I've said as much as I'm comfortable sharing on the public forums now! (My ex, who remains a friend, is a member of this site so don't want to say too much).

We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult

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Old 05-08-2020, 10:07 PM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: UK

Break-ups are (generally) difficult for all involved - I don't think many are simple, so please don't beat yourself up about it when you are doing this for the right reasons. You both deserve a clean break and to be happy - from what you've said, it doesn't sound healthy, so I think well done for recognising the need to move on.

It shows that you are a considerate person because you want to make sure your partner/ex is OK. I'm not sure what sort of support systems there are in place where you live, but perhaps you can point her to some organisations that might be able to help her? I don't think you should be solely responsible for her if you need time and space to focus on self-care.

Personally, I need space after a break-up, as it gives perspective to reflect on everything and focus on your own needs/healing. I have been friends with exes but eventually we have grown apart and moved on with our lives (not in a nasty way).

Take care of yourself and good luck x

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