I don't want to wait to see if things change. I don't even think I want things to change, for me. I just want to stop existing in whatever form I exist. I'm tired of life repeatedly hitting me and making me say things like 'I'm sick of this' 'I can't deal with this' 'I don't want this' 'when am I going to die?' Life hurts big time and I don't even have proper life hurts going on. I am weak. I don't want to have to deal with anything. It needs to end. I need to end.
(My) Life is absolutely pointless.
Set me free.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
When I was walking home my neighbour was outside her door with someone who was probably a carer. I saw her pointing me out and saying something to the carer. When I got to my house I said hi and my neighbour asked me if I had got rid of all my weeds because she had seen me and my support worker doing it. When we were doing the weeding she asked if I was looking for jobs and that she has loads of weeds in her garden and they've just put weed killer down but haven't got round to pulling them out. She's quite frail but her son and daughter and others visit her every day. I laughed and said I'm not really looking for any jobs. I think she said this to her carer today and it will have gone something like this:
"I asked her to do my weeding but she wouldn't. She barely even does anything for herself either, the council cut her grass and she doesn't work. Her neighbours at the other side sometimes do some gardening for her. She's young and so lazy."
It's all true. I am a lazy bitch who does nothing for myself or anyone else. I would help with my neighbours weeding but I was only out doing my own because my support worker was with me. I don't think any of my neighbours know that I don't do things that involve being directly outside my house unless I have someone with me because I'm so anxious about everyone looking at me. I don't think I'd be allowed support to go and weed my neighbour's garden. They all conclude that I'm just lazy and I don't know if I would be able to say that I'm so anxious around most people. But I am lazy anyway. I contribute nothing to the world and I just take everything. I really don't feel able to do much and I'm sorry and I'm useless. Someone needs to kill me because I'm just a drain on society. I need to sort myself out and do it myself. I am wholly pointless.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The neighbour that mentioned her weeds has MH problems herself. She's of the age where she calls it problems with her nerves. So she might understand a little but she stays in her house most of the time and will see me going out and doing stuff so will think I'm not properly unwell.
My neighbours next to me know about my MH problems too as they've seen me in and out of hospital and helped sort out my cats when I've had emergency admissions. When I was out weeding with my support worker this neighbour said that the next time her husband was going to do my weeding she'd knock on my door and I could come out and help him. She said this because I said I was only out doing the weeding because my support worker was with me. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing the weeding with her husband but how do I say I'm anxious around the neighbours? They do so much for me and aren't exactly scary people.
It's mostly older people around me and I don't think they understand much about MH issues. I know the people across the road from me just think I'm a lazy waste of space.
But also, as much as I know MH problems are considered a disability, I look at myself and think that I don't deserve to be allowed to use that as an 'excuse.' That I am just an awful human being.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I think sometimes all of us are hardest on ourselves even though we don't buy into the stigma for everybody else. I know I would never treat anybody the way I treat myself and I hate that people with mental health issues get the shaft the way they do and yet I'm doing the exact same thing to myself. So I understand from where you're coming and I wish I had better advice
Thanks. Yeah, it upsets me to see other people treated badly. It also upsets me if other people treat me badly, yet I seem to think it's more than fine to treat myself badly.
I'm not sure what to do from here. I really just want to go to sleep and die. There is nothing to fight for but I can't seem to get suicide right so therefore I'm trapped here. I want to self harm well but everything I do now self harm wise is totally rubbish. I want my abilities back. That would make life at least a bit more bearable.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can identify with being upset when others are hurt or hurt you, but that not carrying over with regards to hurting yourself.
I hope sleep helps/has helped and I also sincerely hope you don't die, you are one of my favourite and most respected people that I know from here, and I know it would be a massive loss to the world to lose someone so caring and funny and selfless and intelligent.
When you say you can't self harm 'well' can you explain a little more about what self harming 'well' looks like to you?
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Thank you Buttons, that is very kind. I don't understand how anyone could connect any nice things to me but I know people do. I just absolutely despise myself.
With self harm I want to go back to the way I used to self harm. I used to do some longer term damage and create wounds that would scar easily but now I cause very minimal damage. It's the damage I want.
I don't want to be trapped in life. I don't want to breathe through any more of this.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I understand the self harm damage thing. It's very much the same for me... It is frustrating when you feel it is something you need and will somehow (wrongly) make things better or easier... It's hard to believe that it's actually a good thing not to be able to damage yourself the way you want to. Don't know what advice to give as such but just wanted to say I get it.
Professionals are all about damage limitation and they think it's really great that my self harm has lessened in 'severity.' Whenever I talk to them about what self harming I have or haven't been doing they'll say is that not a good thing? Objectively, yes I understand it would seem like a good thing. But subjectively it isn't and it's making things worse for me emotionally.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Tomorrow I'm meeting up with my friend who used to live here but moved (back) to England. We're meeting somewhere in Scotland and she's coming just for the day to see me so I really need to make an effort. I'm pretty anxious about it because before she moved away she had been really unwell in hospital (psych) and said some very hurtful things to me. Some people might remember this because I posted about it here. She seems to be doing alright now but I can't forget what she said and I'm thinking if I do X or don't do X she's going to get pissed off with me and start being nasty again. Plus it's going to mean about 5 hours of socialising and that's a lot. But there has already been things said via text where she would have reacted badly if she was back in that unwell place and she didn't react badly this time around. I really don't hold things against her, it's just hard to forget and to feel ok-ish around her.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm also anxious, anxious, anxious about the messages in my tinnitus and the dogs from the other world but there's no one really I can talk to about this.
I'm scared and everything is huge and I can't stand being so ugly and stupid. It's so hard being visible to people like this. I am a freak. I am more than uncomfortable with myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Also big anxiety about fire. I don't really want to email the fire people even though they said I could, because they'll be busy and I'm just pathetic. My key worker is leaving so she can't come to the fire station with me like the fire people suggested but I don't think I'd be comfortable going with anyone else.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I can really understand the feeling of being too visible. I wish I could suggest something helpful but I just know how painful it is. You're not pathetic, it seems like the fire people understand your worries and want to help. It's part of their job to educate about safety and as important as putting out fires in many ways. Plus they'll probably be glad to help someone like you who is genuinely caring rather than have to deal with arson attacks and silly people much of the time!
It went ok with my friend. She is well now and back to the friend I used to know so it was mostly nice to see her.
I'm generally getting anxious and upset over pretty much everything and anything and it's really draining and makes the world extra scary and tough to deal with. I've been upset or anxious about things like seeing a pregnant woman cross the road, a dog sitting on the train, broken buildings, fire damage, wind turbines...I could probably sit in an empty room and find something that would upset me or make me anxious. My brain brings up things when it can't find something external to freak out about anyway. The world is very overwhelming. I feel like I need everything to disappear. I need to disappear. It's hard to cope with all of this and I wish I had someone to turn to who could offer me comfort and support. I feel very vulnerable and alone.
People put on uniforms and go to work. People have skills. People have loved ones.
I am absolutely useless.
I don't ever want those life roles either. I need to be dead. I 100% don't want to even try to live when 'normal' pressures are placed on me. I can't cope with anything. I am a terrible partial human.
My body refuses to be damaged well enough no matter what form of self harm I use.
I am increasingly concerned about lack of resources. If I ever need the emergency services as a consequence of MH stuff they will hate me. There's something big that is stuck in my mind that would need emergency services support if I could push my pathetic self to do it. I have support but I can't access it other than when I have appointments. If only I could easily pick up the phone and talk to someone helpful.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I am!
