Live Help


Forum Jump
Post New Thread  Reply
Old 25-04-2020, 03:22 AM   #1
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

This pandemic has taken so much away from me. I already gave up on life six months ago and what little hope I had for staying alive was washed away with this disease . The latest news in my state of Virginia is that this will go on for another two years. I have nothing to live for and it’s a shame because I thought I might’ve actually been getting my life together After being so close to suicide at the beginning of this year. But I can’t live anymore. I can’t do this anymore.

I had next to nothing before and this disease took what little I had! I’m ready to leave the mortal world and simply be a spiritual being!


Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 03-05-2020 at 09:33 PM. Reason: as discussed



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
One Hug Given By:
Old 04-05-2020, 05:18 AM   #2
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

And I’ve officially lost someone to COVID-19!

She passed away 2 days ago. She was only 54. Not necessarily young but certainly not what most would consider elderly or “dying age” either!

Why couldn’t it have been me?! I’m ready to go!

I know 3 others with the disease at this time. One of them is not doing so well.
Please don’t let him be next! Why has this disease taken so much from me?!




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2020, 05:07 PM   #3
Pi.R^2
I always have a choice
 
Pi.R^2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Safety Cupboard
I am currently:

I'm sorry to hear that you've lost someone to the virus and know another who is unwell. Do you have mutual friends/family members so that you can kind of virtually grieve together?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


Pi.R^2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2020, 05:32 PM   #4
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

Everything definitely feels more extreme right now and it's harder for some people like you because they were already struggling before this hit. I'm sorry you're going through so much. It's also understandable to say 'why not me' or 'why me'. How are you managing to get through the days with all of these emotions?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2020, 05:28 AM   #5
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

Thanks for the support everyone. Now for some updates. As for the one who’s passed away, there have been some online grieving sessions but unfortunately I feel so isolated for everyone to attend them. There will be a bigger celebration of her life once this pandemic has subsided. For the rest of the folks I know with the disease, the one who wasn’t doing so well is looking on the upward swing and the others are about to leave Quarantine. Things are looking up in that way.

Part of me is wrestling with so much guilt because I feel like I brought this on them. It’s karma for me. As a lot of you know, I’ve been suicidal for quite some time and with this pandemic I saw it as an opportunity for my life to end without me having to pull the trigger. I want to die, but I don’t have the courage to kill myself. I wanted this disease to do it for me and even made a thread on this board about it which I’ve since deleted because I realized how much I was upsetting people. I’m wrestling with so much guilt because I feel like I brought this on people I know . It’s karma for me. I can’t shake the feeling that I have brought this upon people I know now that it is karma for what I have said and done.

As for my every day life, what little joy I had was taken away for me, I had started seeing a therapist and most of you know how hard it was for me to even seek help like that. I had made plans for the future, a future I originally didn’t think I would have. I had lots of fun planned for the next few months and all of that has now been taken away from me. I gave up on life six months ago but was starting to get just a glimmer of hope until this all started. That’s why I prayed that this disease will take my life only it’s missed me it has hurt those around me. I feel terrible, like I don’t even deserve to live now. Not that I had any business being alive before.I want to die but I don’t have the courage to kill myself.

The one thing keeping me going is the fact that right now, as an essential worker, I am making a good amount of money. Maybe that will help me in the future? But nothing brings me joy nothing makes me smile I haven’t had a good day in such a long time. I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. Sometimes I tell people that I have good days but in reality I don’t have good days anymore I just have days that are less painful than others, tolerable days.
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this I’ve given my therapist a certain “deadline” as to when I may just finally have the courage to do what I feel is the right thing to do and that’s end my life.


Last edited by CaptainB2 : 07-05-2020 at 05:36 AM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-05-2020, 12:10 PM   #6
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I'm really glad things are looking up for some of the people you know with Covid. I don't think any of your feelings could have caused them to catch the virus but I know it's easy to think that way and blame yourself. What if you stopped setting deadlines for killing yourself and instead looked at ways you might be able to change your life for the better? It's exhausting to always be thinking about suicide and not being able to go through with it just means more and more days of you torturing yourself if it's all you focus on. What plans did you have before lockdown? Maybe you will be able to do those things when things have settled a bit, it's not going to be like this forever. Thinking about your future rather than your death could really improve your wellbeing and you might find you are no longer suicidal.

Also, thank you for your work as an essential worker.

I hope you can find a way through this to feel something better than you are right now.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2020, 08:00 PM   #7
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

You have to understand that I genuinely think dying is the right thing for me to do. I genuinely think I don’t belong in this world. I’m just afraid to pull the trigger myself. When I say “deadline” I actually mean that as a chance to give me a reason to live or to accomplish something or to make things happen to make me believe that living is the better option than dying. All that has to happen by a certain date. I’ve done this before and the deadline has always been met and that I’m still alive. I lose more and more hope each day though. I hope that makes some sense.

As for things I had planned before COVID-19 hit, I had auditions plans which my therapist had encouraged me to do. I had some paranormal investigations planned, see I’m very intrigued with the spiritual world which is part of my obsession with death honestly but that may be another discussion for another time. I had vacations planned time with my family. That’s all gone now too. What’s next is my Halloween and Christmas gigs will likely be canceled and that will probably be the last bit of hope for me.

People ask if I’m OK quite frankly I don’t even know what that means anymore. I tell people I’m good but I forgotten what good even feels like. Happiness? I’m not even 100% sure I know how to spell that.

I’m just sick of taking up space and sucking up air while good people are out there dying, people who don’t deserve it while I’m at the same time don’t deserve to live. This pain is just so much.
It’s not just mental and emotional either I physically ache from all the anguish!




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2020, 11:20 AM   #8
Pi.R^2
I always have a choice
 
Pi.R^2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Safety Cupboard
I am currently:

Suicide is permanent. This goddamn virus is not. It's going to take some time but lockdown and life as we know it now isn't forever.

You did so well bouncing back from where you were 6 months ago. You took really positive and brave steps in getting into therapy and making plans for the future. Try to hold onto the glimmer of hope you had from that and know that that was real and worth getting through this for. Would it not at least make sense to hold on until life goes back to normal-ish to give the auditions and family vacations etc a chance?

In the midst of a temporary global crisis doesn't seem like the right time to make a permanent decision about your long-term existence.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


Pi.R^2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2020, 04:05 PM   #9
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

I don’t really know what to say except you’re right, especially with that last sentence. I just don’t know how to deal with things in the short term, the day-to-day pain and anguish.
Like I said, I’ve honestly forgotten what it even feels like to be happy or even content And this is not only affecting me mentally and emotionally but also affecting my physical health at this point.




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2020, 05:21 PM   #10
Pi.R^2
I always have a choice
 
Pi.R^2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Safety Cupboard
I am currently:

I'm glad you can at least see my logic, even if it might be difficult to get on board with when you're feeling so unwell.

Are you able to describe the source of what you've described as the day-to-day pain and anguish? Just before I plough on with suggested coping strategies.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


Pi.R^2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-05-2020, 11:47 PM   #11
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

Tough to pinpoint the exact source of pain. It’s a number of things that it could be. Obviously, the COVID-19 stuff as mentioned, how work is extra stressful because of it and how when I do get a day off there’s nothing to do because of the lockdown. There’s general loneliness, the general feeling of worthlessness. I’m still dealing a severe!broken heart from 6 months ago. Or it could just be the overall exhaustion of having to hide my true feelings from the world and pretend to be ok......even though I don’t really even know what that feels like anymore.


Sorry I couldn’t give a more helpful answer.




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-05-2020, 10:37 PM   #12
Pi.R^2
I always have a choice
 
Pi.R^2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Safety Cupboard
I am currently:

Oh you don't need to be sorry at all! It sounds like you've got lots of different stressors which just all pile up and make things very tricky to deal with.

Have you ever used meetup (I assume that's also a thing in the US)? Maybe getting involved in some virtual meetups would help with the loneliness.

Why do you have to pretend to be OK and hide your true feelings from the world- is there anyone you are able to be honest with?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


Pi.R^2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13-05-2020, 11:42 PM   #13
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

I definitely have to pretend when I’m at work and dealing with customers and that takes up most of my time these days. For the folks I do have in my life, friends if you will, I really just don’t wanna be a burden to them. Plus it does take a whole lot for me to trust somebody.

There is one friend I have that I trust and be open and honest with but here’s where things get really tricky. Even the friend I trust I can’t tell everything too. The reason? Well, I mentioned dealing with a broken heart for these past 6 months....... And she’s the reason I have a broken heart. She’s the love of my life but I can’t have her except as a friend. She’s in the best relationship she’s ever been and will likely go on to marry the guy. I made a whole thread about it on the form at the time. That was when I completely gave up on life. even in the midst of all this, that is something still bothering me and weighing down on me. I can be open and honest with her about everything else going on in my life but I can’t tell her that she’s a big reason why I’ve been to the bottom of more vodka bottles than I care to count this past half of a year.

Her friendship is important to me and I cannot imagine life without her so I cannot risk that friendship by telling her my true feelings for her. if I don’t have the relationship I want with her I’ll take what I can get at this point.

As for everything else, she is the one person I trust but I don’t want to put everything on her. because of my feelings for her I’m ultra self-conscious around her. Sometimes I think our friendship is completely one sided I feel like all she does is give and all I do is take so I don’t reach out to her unless I feel it’s absolutely necessary. I’m forever in debt to her and I’ll never be able to pay off that debt I fear. I feel like it’s only a matter time before she wakes up and realizes that I’m just not worth it.....




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14-05-2020, 10:24 PM   #14
Pi.R^2
I always have a choice
 
Pi.R^2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Safety Cupboard
I am currently:

So I'm not sure if this is unfair of me to bring up. But you are worried about being a burden on your friends- have you thought about how they would feel if you killed yourself? I can bet that they would just wish that you'd talked to them (or as you call it, 'burdened them'!)

The situation with the friend who you have feelings for sounds incredibly tough. Why do you think you are 'forever in her debt'? I highly doubt that she views it like that- friends don't keep track of how much they've helped you, demanding 'payment' later!



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


Pi.R^2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15-05-2020, 03:49 AM   #15
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

Honestly, you were right in your statement of that first paragraph but at the same time it is indeed unfair to bring up. I thought I made it perfectly clear I have no intention of harming or killing myself right now! I can’t promise I feel that way in the future particularly once this year ends but for the time being yes I have no intention of doing so to try to bring it up is incredibly unfair to me! You are right though about people being upset if I’m gone that’s why I’m still here.

Indeed, the situation with me having feelings for a friend is ridiculously tricky. That’s why I made a whole thread about it back in the fall. Unfortunately, there’s literally nothing I can do about it except learn to cope with the pain. it is what it is. It’s my cross to bear. As for feeling in her debt that’s just part of my self-consciousness of when I’m around her. Maybe she will feel that way maybe she won’t but I certainly will feel that way. I’ll never be able to give her what she gives me especially since I won’t get a chance to be in a relationship with her. It’s no coincidence that I officially gave up on life once she found a boyfriend. Been living with that pain every day for 7 months exactly, today’s their anniversary! This COVID-19 stuff has just compounded the whole situation. I can’t even see her now!

That’s why I’ve given up on ever finding happiness or ever feeling good again. Right now I say I’m not gonna kill myself but really I’m not even alive. I’m not living, just existing....


Last edited by CaptainB2 : 15-05-2020 at 07:22 PM.



Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16-05-2020, 07:09 PM   #16
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

I'm feeling extremely bad today and I really don't even know why. I'm in a very dark place right now! I even called out of work today to take a "mental health day." That's an extremely big deal to me. I hate to miss work and as I've said in the past making money is kind of the only thing I have going for me right now. Honestly just want to crawl into a hole and die at this point! I've given up on ever feeling happy ever again!

It’s not even about COVID-19 at this point. I just feel more alone than ever and have so much pain inside!




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-05-2020, 07:09 PM   #17
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
one_step_closer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Scotland

I know about the agonising pain, I'm sorry you're experiencing it. How did you get through yesterday? How has today been?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


one_step_closer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-05-2020, 09:26 PM   #18
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

I ended up sleeping most of the day. That’s how I got through it......




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17-05-2020, 11:30 PM   #19
Pi.R^2
I always have a choice
 
Pi.R^2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Safety Cupboard
I am currently:

Sorry you had such a bad day. It's more than OK to take a mental health day and sometimes sleeping is a good escape for a bit. Are you feeling any better now?

Also sorry, I know you've committed to not killing yourself and I wasn't try to guilt you about feeling suicidal, more just trying to encourage you to reach out to your friends.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


Pi.R^2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 27-05-2020, 06:09 PM   #20
CaptainB2
Unsure
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: DC area
I am currently:

Well I’m taking it back when I said I wasn’t killing myself. I am. I already have the date picked out. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore! Please understand that I am doing the right thing!

When you’ve been fighting a battle, an illness since you were 7 years old, before your under developed mind could even comprehend the concept of mental illness, there comes a time when you just say enough is enough. Stop this ride I want to get off!

Feel free to close down this thread if you feel it’s necessary. I’m done. It’s over it won’t be long now before all this pain goes away and I cannot begin to describe the relief I’ll feel!




Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, liviní with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken




CaptainB2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Members Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is OFF
Forum Jump


Sea Pink Aroma
All times are GMT +1. The time now is 11:44 AM.