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Old 30-10-2020, 05:40 PM   #2581
Auror.
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That sounds like you did a lot to me. Can you phone the vet again if you are still unsure about things?



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 01-11-2020, 02:23 PM   #2582
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Thanks for your reply. I think I've sorted the cats meds.

I'm sick of the repetition of life and not being able to find anything that makes me feel ok. I'm sick of life in general. I really want to self harm well for a bit of a relief but I can only do one form of self harm regularly and it doesn't even seem to cause damage. It's not enough. I need to be able to do what I used to be able to do. I get no relief otherwise.

I'm still waiting on the instructions from the men about how I should kill myself. I'm not going to do anything until I have clear instructions because I want to avoid a botched attempt.

There's no point in talking to anyone. Not like I can talk to people in between appointments anyway. And my appointments never seem to happen when they say they will. And I need my own CPN, she's reliable and understanding.

I can't cope with life.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-11-2020, 07:52 PM   #2583
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Hi osc, how have the past few days been? I hear you even when i don't have something to say.



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 06-11-2020, 02:35 AM   #2584
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*hugs you*



just another floating iceberg in this ocean we call life...….


Am I a failure from birth
Is misery what I deserve
Am I just so void of love
That I'm never good, never good enough
~citizen soldier-never good enough

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Old 06-11-2020, 12:23 PM   #2585
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Thank you both.

If my CPN dies that's it. I am so worried because she has really bad health problems and has had covid before so now she might have it bigger. The other CPN who is supposed to call me still hasn't even though I leave messages saying she should be able to get through on my mobile and that my home phone sometimes plays up. If she phones I won't know what to say because it's been so long and loads of stuff have been happening.

I can't face going to the gym so I'm going to be discharged from the team that do the practical stuff although I can still use their crisis line. Not that I will.

I create imaginary scenarios in my head about me killing myself. Nothing would work in real life because of human anxiety. But what else are you supposed to do if you're trapped in life and it hurts so much and there is no relief? I really just want to talk to my CPN. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and I don't know what to say about are my meds working or not. It's hard over the phone, she won't see how I'm feeling. I wish the men would hurry up with creating a fool proof suicide for me. It has to be foolproof so maybe they're having to put lots of effort into it before they get me involved.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-11-2020, 04:22 PM   #2586
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Things can get better, i promise. Don't listen to the men. I hope your CPN is ok, try not to dwell on it.



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 12-11-2020, 03:31 PM   #2587
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I'm feeling really lost without the support I need. I need to be talking to a CPN, I need what they can give me rather than a support worker doing practical things. There's no way to get around this, the CPN who is standing in for my CPN doesn't phone when she says she will. It's been months since I've had CPN contact. She doesn't even help though, I need my own CPN. I felt like asking the informal crisis team if I can have a call at some time in the week to make up for lack of regular contact but I get too anxious making the call and receiving calls from them so I'm not going to bother. I just have to suffer on my own because I lack in bravery. If anything happens to my CPN and she doesn't come back I don't think I could feel as supported by another CPN. I'm very alone and struggling.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-11-2020, 05:35 PM   #2588
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I'm sorry it's been so long since your last contact with a cpn. That's just not on at all.

I know you feel too anxious to make the call to the informal crisis team but it sounds like you could really do with some input from them at the moment.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 13-11-2020, 10:57 AM   #2589
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I just want to echo Cacoethes. You are loved.



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 13-11-2020, 11:50 AM   #2590
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Thank you both.

I don't think I'm going to call crisis. I'd end up having nothing to say and I don't really know some of the staff who work there. I have to make two calls to different vets today and that is stressing me out.

I'm so low. One of my meds was increased today to try and further help with the men. I said to my psychiatrist that I don't really want the men to go away and she understood and said they probably won't go away but they could be less scary. I feel ashamed about not wanting them to go away. It's better to hear from them to receive commands to try and avoid people getting hurt. They're mostly quiet now planning my suicide. Maybe they won't be able to come up with something foolproof either, just like I mess up suicide. I need my CPN.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-11-2020, 06:45 PM   #2591
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How did the calls to the vets go?

I really hope the med increase helps. You deserve some peace.
I understand that. I don't really want my voices to go away either, I just want them to be less scary.
Could you call up the stand in cpn?



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 14-11-2020, 12:18 PM   #2592
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Thanks.

The stand in CPN is on annual leave now. The Duty CPNs are working but I'm not even in a crisis so I'm not going to phone them. The longer my CPN is off sick the more anxious I become. Maybe it's my fault she's ill. Maybe I misinterpreted something that the men said.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-11-2020, 04:54 PM   #2593
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I promise the situation with your CPN isn't your fault.
And I think it would be good to call the duty worker.



with Christ I hang upon the cross

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Old 15-11-2020, 03:03 PM   #2594
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It's not your fault lindsay.
I also think it would be good to call the duty worker



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 15-11-2020, 06:20 PM   #2595
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I'm scared and low. I need someone. I only need my CPN. I'm so stupidly attached to her, so if she dies...

My appointment with the other CPN is too far away. There's no point in phoning anyone because I'll just hang up. The conversation might be helpful but I can't seem to get past the point of hanging up. Plus Duty is finished for the day and I'm finding when I phone the informal crisis team I don't really know the people who answer which makes me less likely to try talking. And Duty is for big emergencies, big unwellness. I have no words. No words or phone calls means everyone thinks I'm doing well.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-11-2020, 03:53 PM   #2596
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I'm really, really low. I went to the gym with my support worker. I thought exercise is meant to make you feel good but...? I'm totally crashing and don't know what to do. My brother is still struggling after splitting up with his partner which is making me feel worse. I just want it to be time to go to bed. I have a cat on my lap right now but if I still feel terrible when he's down I need to do some self harming. So many people around me are struggling too and I can't cope with all of the keeping up with what's going on with them and trying to offer them support. I feel like most of the people I talk to have mental health problems and I'm easily affected negatively by what's happening to them and I can't just abandon people or they'll see me as a bad friend. I'll still be thinking about everything that people are going through anyway. I just want to die because everything about life is too painful. Please don't let me be trapped here. I'm crying and I need a person.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-11-2020, 11:20 AM   #2597
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Just wanted to say that it's not on you to support everyone else too while feeling so terrible yourself. I Think everyone will understand that you need to look after yourself as Well. Xx

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Old 20-11-2020, 01:28 PM   #2598
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Thanks. I don't know how to look after me really. Other than talking things through with someone I trust but I'm not due any phone calls and I can't make any. Plus my CPN is the only person who really understands me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-11-2020, 06:27 PM   #2599
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I'm still really, really struggling. I haven't done much on my to do list. I've stared into space a lot and sat doing nothing. I phoned the Duty CPNs but someone answered who I didn't know. I likely would have hung up if it was someone I knew anyway. I finally got into a book and hid inside it for a while. Being asleep is the best time, I hate having to get up but I don't want to spend 36 hours in bed like I have done in the past. I'm fighting a battle with no purpose. The correct thing to do would be to kill myself. When am I going to be brave enough? Why does my body insist on being alive?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-11-2020, 06:30 PM   #2600
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*hugs* sorry things are so bad but I'm glad you are still here :)

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