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Old 21-06-2017, 08:54 AM   #1
dandelionsandfairies
 
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Adult - Husband trying to be intimate whilst I'm sleeping

I have to put this out there before I write any of this down. My husband is not a rapist, he loves me very much. But I was raped as a teenager and when he does the title or attempts it, he has no idea how it makes me feel. This morning I feel very upset, i like the idea of being intimate together in the morning before he goes to work. This morning, he just pretty much slipped it in, before I even had a chance to wake up. I told him No when I did wake and he went off in a bit of a strop saying that he was just trying to be spontaneous. Kissing me passionately after I've woken up is spontaneous, and then maybe sex. He's done it a few times before, a few times I've been quiet, other times. I haven't been so happy. We don't get a lot of time with eachother anymore, our daughter is notorious for not sleeping until late without a tantrum, and he's in work 50 hours a week. He sees it as being affectionate, I find it triggering. We have sex most nights, can anyone understand why this has rattled me a bit today?


Last edited by dandelionsandfairies : 21-06-2017 at 09:04 AM.
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Old 21-06-2017, 06:49 PM   #2
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Maybe because when you're asleep you're not in control and this triggers you.

Talk to him before it becomes too big an issue.



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Old 21-06-2017, 09:31 PM   #3
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This is not ok. End of.
Intimacy should reciprocal every single time. Your feelings are completely justified and I think maybe it would be worth have a serious conversation with your husband about how this is not ok and appropriate ways he can be spontaneous and affectionate in such away that *you* want it too. It sounds like speaking about how you improve the quality time that you get together might be helpful too.



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Old 21-06-2017, 09:52 PM   #4
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To be clear, someone can be loving and still rape somebody.
What your husband is doing is not consensual - you are not awake, you are not aware and able to consent to this act.
Perhaps it has rattled you because he is doing this without your permission, and it is triggering the feelings associated with being raped as a teenager. Perhaps his reaction to you saying "no" has triggered something.
I think sitting down with your husband and setting firm boundaries and telling him this is not acceptable behavior to you (it's not even legally acceptable, either) would be a good idea.
I agree that this is not spontaneous in a good way. He may work a lot and your daughter may not fall asleep until late, but there is absolutely no excuse for engaging in sexual activity with a person who is not able to consent: asleep, for example.

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Old 22-06-2017, 03:24 PM   #5
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I agree completely with Horizon. Your husband might love you, but that doesn't take away the seriousness of what he's doing - which is not consensual. I think he needs to be informed about the gravity of what he's doing is and especially how it's effecting you individually. Really loving you and being intimate with you also include treating you well and being considerate of you and your emotional well being.



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Old 27-06-2017, 06:42 PM   #6
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I am sorry to say, that this is sounding like your husband's fetish and would not be impacted by how many times you have sex. If he wants to pretend.....I think that is "possible" with you giving consent. See if he would be open to you "pretending" to be asleep if that is what he is getting aroused by. That way you can consent or not because he isn't doing anything without your knowledge. Also maybe have him explain how he thinks he is being "affectionate" (it is not enough to use that word as an excuse and end it there) and you can explain what you think is "affectionate" (and how this act doesn't meet that for you, in fact triggers you).

This is bothering me because I have met women who became pregnant through this "my husband is not a rapist but.....[the title]" and stated that looking at their child made them angry because they didn't consent. I could never understand why they weren't upset with their partner. Maybe you believe that you are meant to allow your husband to access you whenever he wants. I know that it made me pretty angry at the traditional concept of marriage to know that this is still acceptable and excusable....

Sleep separately- in different rooms and lock the door once you decide to go to sleep. Maybe he will appreciate the seriousness of the trigger when the access is denied at certain times.

I find it hard to believe he has no idea how you feel....but marriage counseling sound like it would benefit you both regarding this- as well as just for yourself to be supported in advocating for yourself.

And hun, unless you are consenting to it......I think it is understandable to be rattled.


Last edited by bitomato : 27-06-2017 at 06:47 PM.




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Old 04-07-2017, 09:07 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Horizon View Post
To be clear, someone can be loving and still rape somebody.
What your husband is doing is not consensual - you are not awake, you are not aware and able to consent to this act.
Perhaps it has rattled you because he is doing this without your permission, and it is triggering the feelings associated with being raped as a teenager. Perhaps his reaction to you saying "no" has triggered something.
I think sitting down with your husband and setting firm boundaries and telling him this is not acceptable behavior to you (it's not even legally acceptable, either) would be a good idea.
I agree that this is not spontaneous in a good way. He may work a lot and your daughter may not fall asleep until late, but there is absolutely no excuse for engaging in sexual activity with a person who is not able to consent: asleep, for example.

YES!!! All of this, I agree whole-heartedly.

You are not over-reacting or too rattled or anything like that; your feelings are valid and you really need to speak to him about this. Does he know about you being assaulted as a teen? Have you ever sought help for this on your own? I'm not sure where you live, but RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) has a free hotline in the United States. Also, you could try calling your local Rape Crisis Center, as they have free help over the phone. I've used it, even just to vent out of frustration and being triggered by the way some men have been treating me as of late (I was assaulted in my 20's).

I hope you feel better and can get things sorted out with him. Hugs, and take care.



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Old 04-07-2017, 09:02 PM   #8
dandelionsandfairies
 
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I spoke to him and he hasn't done anything like it since. He does love me, I just don't think he understood why it made me feel so upset. I pretty much told him straight that it wasn't okay. He doesn't have a fetish with me sleeping ��, I'm pretty sure he was just trying to wake me up playfully.

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Old 06-07-2017, 05:21 PM   #9
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After noting your emojis- I am glad that you were able to fully express yourself to your husband and that the incidents have stopped.
If you are in a committed relationship, it may be exciting to explore what he could do intimately to make you feel safe and reaffirm the trust you have in him.
Otherwise, I do think that you should continue to talk with him as much as possible- as my limited understanding is greater levels of intimacy are experienced through communication and not only daily sex.





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You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red

ďItís time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. Itís not working for women, itís not working for men,
itís not working for polar bears
.Ē Arianna Huffington 2014

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