It's been a few years. And oh, how I wish I could be back under happier circumstances. But right now, it feels as though my world is falling apart.
A little under a month ago, my older brother's health took a turn for the worse. He was bleeding from every possible orifice, and as we had not long prior had news that the latest treatment for his cancer wasn't working, we feared the worst. We were told he had a matter of days left.
The next day, he passed away. We spent years joking about having a psychic link, the first suspicion having been fully raised when I started getting antsy about the same time he had his motorbike crash, 13 years ago. Oh god, how I wish I didn't remember telling Mum he should have been back for his medication half an hour ago, just for the phone to ring five minutes later to tell us he'd been in a serious crash. This time? I'd had the phone call to say he was in hospital just as I'd got on the bus into town after a night shift. I couldn't explain my unwillingness to sleep to my best friend. The idea just evaded me entirely. And as I tried to phone at 1:50 on the day he died, my phone told me I was out of credit, that I needed to top up. It was 2pm by the time I got through to any of my family, for my mother to tell me that he had passed away ten minutes beforehand.
It sounds selfish, but I'm feeling so frustrated by my family in the aftermath. The only member of my family who has checked up on me has been my younger brother. My parents haven't once phoned to check I'm okay, ignoring the fact that I was the only one of my siblings who was still in contact with my brother. Instead, I've been expected to put on a brave face. Been expected to have choices about whether or not my son was allowed to go to the funeral dictated to me. Been subjected to hearing how hard my sister is taking it, despite the fact she cut all ties, or my younger brother's guilt over the fact he didn't know how ill our brother was. I spent months telling him. And now I'm just left with nothing but bitterness about how my family has treated my brother, nothing but anger, and that nagging disbelief that he's really gone. It's not sinking in. Not properly.
I wish my first post back could be on happier terms. But it's not. It's really not.