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Old 30-11-2019, 06:41 PM   #1881
one_step_closer
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I can't cry, I just feel really upset.

The followers are so distressed and I am distressed too. I wish I had bought more stuff to overdose. I wish I had the courage to use the phone to get some support. I don't want to keep going through life like this but I don't know how to make sure I get death right. Life is massively painful. I need someone. :(





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-11-2019, 06:48 PM   #1882
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I can't explain my pain to anyone but I really don't want to have it stuck inside. My CPN said she is about next week if I need to phone her. I do need to phone her but don't know if I can. She's off the following week. I'm seeing my support worker on Monday but I don't feel able to talk to her much. I'm absolutely pathetic. Life is way too much for me. I want to be able to properly self harm to get some relief.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-12-2019, 06:53 PM   #1883
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Everyone is so fragile. So many people are mentally ill and their experiences affect me big time. I ache so much. Life is too much.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-12-2019, 01:38 PM   #1884
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I understand the internal ache and im so sorry you feel it too.

Do you think its be helpful to distance yourself from other with mental illness for a while? It's a genuine question. Like if it makes you worse?

Do you have to talk? Can you write it down like here and show them? Then they can ask questions about it which may be easier?



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Old 02-12-2019, 04:49 PM   #1885
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Thanks Lillie.

I don't know if there is a way to distance myself from people with MH problems because most of the people I know have MH problems so I'd basically not have contact with anyone really. Plus I want to be there for people, I wouldn't want someone to have to be alone with things just because I'm sensitive. I need to find ways to protect myself I think but I'm not sure how to go about doing that. Even just seeing two CPNs passing me in the health centre today made me upset/worried because I was guessing they were on crisis so would have been out to see someone who was in distress. Life is hard and people hurt, and it's sad. I want to do what I can to be there for people.

I saw my support worker today and tried to explain that things have been really hard but she focused on positive things again. On the bus home I thought maybe I'm just going to have to directly copy things from here and my R/V, the raw distressing stuff, and show it to my CPN. But I think even then she wouldn't hear my pain. I usually write something for my CPN and I am honest about how things are but people are used to it now. Like a previous CPN said "that's just Lindsay."





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-12-2019, 05:14 PM   #1886
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You've probably been asked this previously, I'm sorry if it's a repeat. Do you have any thoughts about what you might like your CPN to do or say that shows she's able to hear, at least on some level, how continually painful and distressing things are in your life? It's okay if you don't know. It's okay if there's stuff you want she wouldn't necessarily be able to provide. There's nothing wrong in any of that when you're desperately just looking to alleviate distress.

Maybe if you had thoughts about what you might want or need, there may be something you can work out together to make it happen, even if it's not exactly as you need it. I don't know if that makes any sense.

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Old 02-12-2019, 07:49 PM   #1887
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Part of me just wants someone to say 'I hear you, this all sounds awful/whatever.' My CPN does sometimes acknowledge that but my support worker focuses so much on what she thinks is positive. I don't think anyone could ever properly hear me though because I can't express the agony I'm in. It's mostly how I feel in the evening that there are no words for and when I try to explain things they appear just neutral not distressing. I don't know if it's about what someone does with what I say, I just need a better way of explaining things so I feel that I have accurately communicated how distressed I am. If this even makes any sense. No one can hear me if I can't clearly explain things.

I wish I had more people around, I wish it was easier for me to access support. If I could talk through how I'm feeling more often then I'd feel more heard. Appointed times to talk through things don't work a lot of the time because I'm not in the same distress in that exact moment. I want to express myself in the moment and that requires me phoning someone which I just can't seem to do. I did phone crisis yesterday I think but hung up as I knew I would.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-12-2019, 09:27 PM   #1888
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I'm really distressed. I phoned crisis and hung up. I phoned Breathing Space and they were busy. Why can't I just speak to someone on the phone? I self harmed but not enough. I did another minor thing. I tried to talk to someone on Breathing Space Webchat but it turned out to be pointless so I ended the chat. I don't know what I need so no one can help. I could try and phone my CPN tomorrow but she'd question why I was distressed since I supposedly had a positive appointment with my support worker. I'm a pathetic waste of space who can't help herself.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-12-2019, 10:51 PM   #1889
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I'm sorry you're so upset. Validation is important, and I hope you can explain that to your support worker. What type of support can we offer to you on here? It's hard to know what to reply sometimes.



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 03-12-2019, 02:01 PM   #1890
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Thank you. I don't know what I need, from anyone, and that is what makes me feel alone and mute. I can't seem to communicate anything or figure out what would be useful. I just don't like to be so alone with things so keep posting here because I can't access other support. I do feel very, very isolated and it's my fault because I can't express things properly or ask for help. I should just accept that I have to be on my own with stuff.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-12-2019, 03:58 PM   #1891
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We really don't want you to feel alone and would always encourage you to write here. It is sometimes difficult because nobody wants to make you feel worse and I hope you would indicate to us if something's not helpful? I know I would certainly want to know if things I said made you feel worse and wouldn't feel offended. I think, well speaking for myself, if there's anything you find more helpful I would try to work with that.

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Old 03-12-2019, 04:07 PM   #1892
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Thanks. No one is making me feel worse. It all comes from me and my inability to feel like I have communicated well or to understand what I need. Probably there is nothing that would help. I haven't phoned my CPN today for the same reason, she'd ask me what I need her to do and I wouldn't know. It's just about being heard and not being alone really but of course it would be good if there could be something more, whatever that might be. It's all hopeless. I'm sorry if I just seem to rant here or push things away etc, I should probably stick to posting in R/V but I appreciate responses and want to post in case someone says something that really helps. People generally do help anyway. But I don't want anyone to feel pressured to reply or say the 'right' thing. It's ok for people not to respond to me if what I've said doesn't seem to warrant a reply. I wish I knew what I need. I wish I could talk to someone who knows me but that would require a phone call.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-12-2019, 04:14 PM   #1893
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I hope you do keep writing here xx it's also okay not to know what to do, what you need. I know you're not sure psychology will help but it might be worth keeping an open mind about. Sometimes just having that extra connection and hope can help make a shift where things have been stuck for a long time.

I think it's articulate and true to say to your CPN that you don't know what you need but that you need the extent of your pain and despair to be heard. That's something very real in itself.

You don't need to apologise. We appreciate you and the courage you show in these distressing times.

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Old 03-12-2019, 05:46 PM   #1894
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I want to totally echo this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soft Kitty View Post
I think it's articulate and true to say to your CPN that you don't know what you need but that you need the extent of your pain and despair to be heard. That's something very real in itself.
I think it's okay to say that to your CPN, and I think it's really good to know you haven't found anything here to make things worse, because you're right, sometimes we don't know what will help and as long as ideas or thoughts aren't making it worse it can be useful to have more ideas or thoughts in the hopes that maybe something will be helpful.

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Old 03-12-2019, 07:30 PM   #1895
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Thank you both. I really need some support but I don't know what. I'm thinking I should phone my CPN since she's going to be off next week but I wouldn't know what to say to her. I do need my feelings heard but that might not be enough. It would be good if I could contact people whenever I needed to but again that comes down to me and my rubbish phone skills.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-12-2019, 07:50 PM   #1896
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Could you write out a sentence and read it out to her if you did manage to call?

Based on what you wrote above so it's in your own words, how about: "I don't know what I need you to do but I just need to be heard and not be alone but of course it would be good if there could be something more, whatever that might be."

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Old 03-12-2019, 07:55 PM   #1897
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
Copied from R/V because maybe someone will have something to say that would be useful: Went out again and was overwhelmed by people. Even just thinking 'what if I had to talk to that person?' It made me panicky and feel like I was going to cry. I can't do anything normal. The walking group passed me too and they look extra scary in a non-scary way.
Could I just ask if you sought to go to a place where there were lots of people? If so, I wonder if you might have expected too much from yourself? I think itís great that you went out but what about choosing a quieter place or somewhere with less people? Would that be an easier goal to aim for and then go forward from there if and when it suits you. A walking group may put you in a pressured situation that clearly youíre not ready for just now. Take your time with this because going out regularly is better than staying in all the time.

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Old 03-12-2019, 08:10 PM   #1898
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Thank you both.

I don't know if being heard is enough right now but as I keep saying I don't know what I need. I could say that to my CPN, NP. My CPN knows that if I phone things are really not good because of my issues with using the phone. I'd like her to suggest what my support options could be and then I could say yes or no to them. That's easier than asking for support where I don't know exactly what I need or when I feel unable to ask in case other people don't think I need the support. My CPN is always encouraging me to phone her if I need to but I also worry about wasting her time and maybe taking up someone else's appointment time and me not saying anything useful when I phone. I have put a reminder in my phone to call her on Thursday, I hope I can do it.

Bouquaise, I get out every day because I feel so much worse if I stay in. It's just that I don't have a lot of contact with people and find interacting quite difficult a lot of the time especially if I'm not prepared. When I was out that time I wasn't anywhere particularly busy but I was generally anxious and afraid of people.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-12-2019, 08:14 PM   #1899
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I hope you can do it too. You really won't be wasting her time and do really deserve support as much as other people.

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Old 04-12-2019, 03:11 AM   #1900
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I don't know if you have heard of something called the stages of change - but it's something that an old therapist human told me about and I've found helpful. It's a bit similar to the stages of grief. The first step to change is actually becoming aware of the fact that you don't like how things are. The next step is trying to figure out and explore what changes might look like. Then there's others which I can either find a link to or you can google. But basically, just knowing that you aren't happy in your current situation is in itself a step towards things becoming different, because the previous step is essentially being in denial of the situation and insisting things are fine (when they aren't).

I don't know if that is at all useful to think about, but I hope you can continue to try to reach out for support if/when you need.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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