This time every year. Q

Fire Fly · 21-08-2018, 04:28 PM

I don't know if this warrants to be posted in serious but I can really do with some support.

It's that time of the year when my mood dips considerably. I have had most admissions between August-December. I have three anniversaries coming up(my mums death, and two sexual assaults).

I feel my mood has dipped and I'm getting a lot of nightmares and flashbacks again and that I struggle with the low mood that accompany that. I want to get out of this low patch but at the same time it's eating me up. I'm tired of fighting this every year and fighting the low mood constantly. I am so tired and I'm so stuck in knowing what to do or even how to help myself.

I feel really out of it. I just feel so sad and unhappy with life that I honestly don't know how to manage my emotions. I just want to cry.

Straight 3 · 21-08-2018, 05:32 PM

Go easy on yourself during these times and its good to recognize the triggers. I understand SAD very well.

Be well.

Fire Fly · 22-08-2018, 03:39 PM

I can't cope. I really can't cope. Can't cope. Can't cope.

Life is not bearable. People at work noticed I wasn't myself. I left early. I want to die. I just can't cope anymore. The images that keep coming to my mind like a video in front of my eyes and the nightmares are killing me as it is. I just want to die.

I can't do this anymore.

one_step_closer · 23-08-2018, 07:12 PM

I'm sorry everything is so tough for you right now. Can you think of any safe things that have helped you cope in the past? Who's supporting you at the moment? You can get through this, you have before. I know everything is really intense and unbearable and the moment and you won't want to go through one more day with all this stuff but it will pass. I'm definitely not trying to minimise what you're going through though, I know it's so horrible being stuck in the middle of all this torture. I hope you can find some safe ways to soothe things yourself and/or have others who can help.

Fire Fly · 28-08-2018, 05:38 PM

I feel lost in the world. I'm suffocating. I'm struggling to keep on going. I can't breathe. I keep crying. Last week I was forced to go to A&E because I had started a staggered od and they were looking for a bed and to prevent me from leaving they put me on 1:1 because they said I am high risk of suicide. 15 hours later no bed was sourced and I lied and said I was fine and went home.

My husband has become manic and you know what I can't cope. I have my own shit. It's my mums death anniversary tomorrow and I can't do this.

I haven't felt this much of a failure since my mum died. I couldn't keep her alive and what my husband said yesterday to me and this morning has hurt me so badly that when I even remotely think about what he did and said I cry and can't cope.

I tried desperately to get a gp appt but couldn't my cc is back tomorrow and will phone me. I am so close to just doing it now. I make everyone miserable and I actually feel that everyone life would be so much better off.

bitomato · 28-08-2018, 11:48 PM

I just wanted to let you know that I am sending you positive thoughts. Please try not to take what your husband says as literal especially if he is manic. HAng in there. This time of the year is hard- you've come to expect it- but if anything you do know that you get through it. You have in the past.
It is okay to ask for support and keep asking for support until you get what you need. If you have to go back to A&E to be safe there is nothing weak about accepting that you need additional support. Maybe you can call your care coordinator early rather than wait for them to call you?
Take it moment by moment. Hugs

Fire Fly · 30-08-2018, 01:52 PM

I can't go back to A&E. I don't think I can stay 15 hours once again to get admitted. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to dissappear and die. I want to run away. Can't see a future. I can't see hope. I don't know what gets me through but nothing I do right now is helping.

Fire Fly · 31-08-2018, 01:28 AM

I've been sectioned. Just really can't do this.

bitomato · 31-08-2018, 07:41 AM

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. Take this opportunity to let yourself get the extra support and rest you may need to get better.

HildaOgden · 31-08-2018, 08:11 AM

I'm sorry to hear you've been sectioned. I really hope that things improve soon

one_step_closer · 31-08-2018, 04:05 PM

I hope you get the right support to help you through this. Take care.

Fire Fly · 02-09-2018, 11:38 AM

I was sent to a hospital in the Trust I work for so they've been looking for beds. There is only one bed in the whole of England for females. That has now been ear marked for me. I live in London and the bed is four hours away from where I live. I have a pain clinic appointment tomorrow that they are letting me go to and then I will see the consultant of this ward that I'm on. I can't go to that bed. It's too far. It's not right. I don't care its the priory but I can't go that far.

I can't stop crying. I was assessed twice under mha because of pressure on beds and as 136 last 24 hours (new laws) I ended up breaching and stayed 31 hours till they found this bed that they need back tomorrow when the patient comes back from leave.

Four hours away. The oncall consultant came yesterday to assess whether she could write me s17 leave to go home with the crisis team. But she felt it was too soon to leave hospital and that there was not enough support for me in the community.

Why am I fucking up my life. What have I done. I just don't know what to think anymore. My thoughts are so strong. I don't know what's going o

one_step_closer · 02-09-2018, 06:59 PM

How are things today? What worries you about taking the bed that is away from where you live? You're not fucking up your life, you're not well at the moment and you've been through a lot that contributes to that. Please take what support is offered and talk to people about any worries you might have regarding things.

Fire Fly · 02-09-2018, 08:29 PM

Thanks so much for replying. I think things are still quite tough. My head is replaying the assualta and I feel that a movie is going on and I can't stop it in front of my eyes.

I guess it's a long way and I don't have any support there. I guess it's that I don't know how long the admission will be.

I don't think the course I'm doing apprenticeship to nursing degree will accept me back as I've missed so much that I'm catching up on. I haven't done enough hours of placement that they will be pissed so I'm worried that if I lose my place I literally won't see much more.

I don't know and I'm worried about the outcome tomorrow. I just don't see it.

one_step_closer · 03-09-2018, 05:14 PM

That sounds very tough and distressing. I can understand your worries about being away from where you live and not knowing people and not knowing how long the admission will be. Was something sorted out for you today? I think right now isn't the time to be focusing on what will happen with your apprenticeship although of course it's hard not to worry. Is there anyone who can maybe look into things with regards to the apprenticeship on your behalf?

Fire Fly · 05-09-2018, 01:49 PM

Thanks Lyndsey. That helped. I was so upset and angry with htt because of what they said about me to the ambulance crew that"she attention seeking. She just cries wolf. Don't worry she hals a manipulative personality, of she commits suicide we will take responsibility". I didn't realise how angry I was still. Although it did happen in May.

Because no beds were found they said I could go home with htt so they came to assess and I just couldn't do it. They would discharge of my section and the Dr won't see me till Friday.

However a bed at Priory Roehampton has been found and funding has been agreed it's just the paperwork and then I should be able to go. Just want to finish this.

one_step_closer · 05-09-2018, 03:58 PM

No wonder you're upset and angry about what HTT said about you, even though it happened in May things like that tend to stick in your mind. I know how hurtful it can be. Are you in hospital at the moment waiting to be transferred to the priory or are you at home waiting? Things are so tough for you right now and I can understand you wanting it all to be over, please take each moment as it comes and hold on. Things will change, hopefully sooner than you imagine.

Pomegranate · 05-09-2018, 08:08 PM

Are you being discharged or going to Roehampton priory?

Fire Fly · 10-09-2018, 10:44 AM

Hello. I am reading your replies but it's been hard to actually reply and seek help. I was on the ward on my trust and that was hard as I supported some of the patient in a professional capacity and some of the staff were my colleagues. I was transferred to a NHS hospital on Friday.

The previous hospital would not discharge me of section and said I was a high risk of suicide. I made a serious attempt on the ward however I don't really see it as serious as it was. The new hospital won't give me my clothes and mm y room is bare.

I feel so hopeless. I don't see much into the future and I just feel so low. The nightmares are bad and so are the flashback and it's making life do unbearable. L

one_step_closer · 15-09-2018, 02:34 PM

I hope things are at least getting a bit better for you. Sending you lots of good wishes. No need to reply if you don't feel able to but post here when you can if it helps.