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Old 12-06-2020, 11:16 PM   #1
Elmer
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This is going to sound ****ing stupid but...

I've booked a GP appointment to request bloods. I'm starting to feel really quite ill, physically. My BMI is hovering between overweight and obese, but I was morbidly obese in November so I dunno. It's a phone appointment with a doctor I've never spoken to before.
And here's the stupid bit. I want to 'justify' this appointment. My brain is telling me I need to do all sorts of dangerous stuff because if I can't be thin enough to justify help, I can at least prove to myself that there's *something* wrong. Because then maybe I'd be 'allowed' to try to get better?
But then there's a huge part of me saying I should cancel this appointment and just ****ing get on with it. I'm not ill, I'm stupid. I've got so much other ***** going on at the moment, I don't even know if I can have the appointment without being overheard.
Also, it's going to be the first time I've said anything out loud to anyone for a really really long time. My whole family thinks I am recovered, my sister recently told me how proud she was that I was losing weight without 'getting obsessed'. But I am obsessed. It's all I think about.
I don't know. What do I say to this GP? I don't want a referral to ED services, they'd laugh me out of the room (I know for a fact that in this part of the country they straight up refuse referrals for anyone who isn't underweight). I just want to check I'm not doing anything irreversible.
I'm exhausted. All the time. Everything aches and my limbs feel so so heavy. I have pins and needles in my fingers and my heart keeps fluttering. Do I say this to the doctor? Will he think I'm being dramatic - I'm fat so what's the problem?
Just... I think I need reassurance that I'm not a total time waster? This has been going on for fifteen years and I've survived this long.
I'm too old to still be doing this.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness ramble.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


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Old 13-06-2020, 02:25 AM   #2
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<3

First of all, a MILLION hero points for you for scheduling that appointment.
That is really brave and I am super proud of you.

Maybe you can put a little twist to the whole needing to justify the appointment conundrum: the very fact that you feel the need to justify a medical appointment is the very reason why you need it in the first place.
Feeling like help might not be needed is a symptom of the illness. It's one more reason why you should do it. Your illness is trying to make you believe that you are not unwell so that you continue.
I would claim to know you well enough to know that you are not someone who overreacts or worries without cause. Your brain is trying to trick you. Not only are you allowed to get better, chances are that you urgently need to improve your health in order to not suffer from permanent damage or even die.
Your weight is irrelevant for how damaging your disorder is.

I think you absolutely need to mention all of your symptoms. The doctor needs a full picture to see how bad things are and what type of treatment you might need.

Do you think it would be beneficial to let your family know how you are doing or do you prefer to keep it from them for now?

You've lived through fifteen years of this.
And that is more than long enough. It is one more reason why you urgently should get help. It is not just okay to ask for help, it is very much necessary.
There is no "too old" when it comes to being ill and struggling with that. Your age is like your weight - another irrelevant number that does not affect that you need and deserve help.

If services are no good and you would still like some support- are there any ED charities in your area that you could check out?

I am really glad you made this thread.
I am really glad you scheduled that appointment.

Love you loads <3




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Old 13-06-2020, 05:46 AM   #3
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^Lana has all the wise words!

In terms of being overheard, could you maybe go for a walk at the time of the appointment so you’re out of the house and can go somewhere quiet? Or you could ‘go for a walk’ and actually just sit in the car.

You are the opposite of a time waster (what’s the opposite of a time waster?). Here comes the age-old infuriating question- if someone you cared about had been battling this ED for as long as you and feeling the way you’re feeling, wouldn’t you be doing virtual backflips that they were going to ask for help and not for a second thinking that they were a time waster?

You are ‘allowed’ to try and get better. It’s never not bad enough to warrant a Grand Recovery but if you will insist that there is a ‘bad enough’ criteria to be met, then surely fifteen years of this nightmare is bad enough. Surely you have suffered enough already.

Well done for making the appointment and I hope that it goes well. We’re here if you need anything- to talk, to plan a way to fight back against this illness, to make a sticker chart or whatever is needed <3



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Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
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Old 13-06-2020, 05:56 AM   #4
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I don't think I can say anything better than what has been said, but I also think you are being super brave.



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Old 13-06-2020, 02:44 PM   #5
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**Echos everyone else**
It's so very courageous of you to make that appointment and we are all proud of you <3







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Old 13-06-2020, 11:08 PM   #6
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Thank you everyone. You don't know how much it means to receive such thoughtful and kind responses.

I will try to keep everything you've said in mind and am going to go for a walk to take the call.

I can't tell my family, though my housemate just found my diet pills (awkward).

I've just been torturing myself with a BMI calculator, for no good reason. I've worked out how much I need to lose to qualify for ED treatment and I know that what you've all said is true, I know I need help but I just. I'm a moron I guess.

I feel like such a hypocrite, I *know* what I should be doing after certain behaviours to keep my health more stable, I *know* what I should be eating. I keep doling out advice and hating myself more and more but I just can't. I cannot get my brain to accept that I need to be healthy too. I don't deserve to be healthy. I deserve to suffer.

I guess as well, and this is painful to admit, I want people to believe me when I tell them what's going on. I've had years of comments - friends comparing me to other friends with eating disorders who 'actually got thin' and professionals telling me that 'a bit of puking won't hurt', or even telling me that my not eating 'could be a good thing'. I want the people who told me my suffering was never enough to see it. Which is twisted and evil and I hate myself for it.

I'm scared this doctor will be like all the others.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


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Old 14-06-2020, 02:56 AM   #7
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I also hope that the doctor is not like the others you have seen and hope that they takes you seriously. Your symptoms alone sound concerning to me, even if you take away the mention of weight.

I don't know if this would be useful, but I follow a page about HAES (health at every size) advocacy. One thing it recommends if a doctor chooses to ignore your symptoms/concerns out of weight bias is to make them document all of your symptoms and to document that they are also choosing to ignore said symptoms in your charts/files and why they are choosing to ignore them. You can also ask what they would recommend if weight was not a factor, and if they say something different than nothing to ask what the negative of trying said treatment recommendation is. There's others but I am blanking at the moment. I don't know if you are familiar with the HAES model, but it might be worth looking into for resources?



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Old 14-06-2020, 11:04 AM   #8
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Did your housemate have a conversation with you about said diet pills? Could one/both of them be helpful in supporting you foodwise?

Why do you think you don't deserve to be healthy and deserve to suffer? I would like it on record that I 100% disagree with these statements!

Well done for admitting something that is painful. I don't think it's twisted or evil! It's completely human and normal to want to be 'heard', especially considering all of the invalidating bullshit you've dealt with. Two thoughts. On balance, if you did lose enough weight for these 'friends' and 'professionals' to believe you- would that actually be worth it? Recovery is of course possible but it's difficult and will be even harder if you add in new things to what is already a very srs bsns ED. Like, on top of the existing physical complications you'll have new ones, plus the need for weight restoring etc. Second thought: wouldn't getting 'thin enough' (inverted commas because it's never enough ) still not change those people's opinions of your illness in the past? Would they just be like "oh, she's ill now" and that would still be invalidating?

tl;dr people are rubbish and your feelings about that are COMPLETELY valid and don't make you a bad person, but getting 'ill enough' for them to believe you is a dreadful idea and I really hope the doctor isn't an asshat.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 14-06-2020, 10:04 PM   #9
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I'm proud of you. And I understand.

You deserve help. You are seriously ill. You deserve to be treated with the same empathy you show others.




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Old 15-06-2020, 09:45 PM   #10
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I looked at HAES, I love the idea of them :) thank you.

Housemate just looked confused tbh. I don't want to talk to anyone IRL about this, I don't think I can. I could not handle the reactions.

I'm so scared about tomorrow. I've told family and housemates I have an appointment to check my meds and I'll be out of the house to take the call.
I know recovery is possible. In theory. For other people. I'm such a hypocrite. At this stage I just want my bloods checked so I know if I should be drinking more dioralyte or something. Thank you Jenna.

Thank you J. <3

I'd forgotten how addictive 'you've lost weight' is. But I still can't look at myself in the mirror because I am ****ing disgusting. I'm not ill. I don't have an eating disorder. I need to get over myself. And yet I know in a small part of my brain that this is the 'eating disorder' itself talking. But that part is getting smaller and smaller. I'm so confused.

I don't even know what I want from this thread any more. Maybe confirmation that conveniently missing tomorrow's phone call would be utterly self-defeating?

Basically. Aaaaargh.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


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Old 16-06-2020, 12:52 AM   #11
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Make that call.
If, for now, it only serves the purpose of limiting the damage this illness is causing then so be it.
Ideally, of course, I hope this might be a first step to take to get better.

You are so lovely and kind and smart.
You absolutely deserve getting the support that you need to get better.
You deserve good things and happiness.

Also, just putting this out there:
it is impossible to lose the right to be healthy and well.
Imo, every single person on the planet deserves to be okay.
It is the most basic right that anyone has. You can't take that away form anyone, not even from yourself.

If the disordered thinking is starting to get more dominant and telling the ED thoughts from your non ED thoughts is becoming harder then now is the time to get help.




Humility over, I am amazing.

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Old 16-06-2020, 11:07 AM   #12
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He was kind. He wants me to come in for a physical check up (where they will weigh me and laugh) and to refer me to eating disorders. So it's going to be fun when they take one look at me and tell me to piss right off.

Thank you Lana.

I guess the ED referral thing is out of my hands now, though I did keep telling him I didn't want it.

I am tired.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


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Old 16-06-2020, 05:53 PM   #13
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Be gentle with yourself <3

You took a massive step and that surely is exhausting on so many levels.

I am glad the doctor was kind and that it went well.

I am so, so incredibly proud of you <3




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Old 16-06-2020, 06:35 PM   #14
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I think it was so so incredibly brave of you to tell the doctor and it's super great (and understandingly scary) that they listened and took your concerns seriously. I hope you are being kind to yourself.

Do you think you'll go in person?



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Old 17-06-2020, 09:25 PM   #15
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I don't feel brave, I feel like a hypochondriac :P

I will go to the physical health appointment, it would be daft not to as that was the point of the call in the first place...

I'm not sure if this counts as being kind to myself but I've found a tolerable isotonic drink and I'm trying to drink one every day.

I've been sleeping during the day A LOT as I can't get to sleep at night without meds. I go to bed around now most days simply because I can't face any more day but I won't sleep for a few more hours unless I drug myself and I'll wake up around 6. Housemates are concerned about how much I claim to be sleeping and one asked outright if I was eating. Which was, again, awkward and I lied incredibly badly.

I keep losing my train of thought.

I bought some things to make sure particular physical observations stay at a certain point... If they do not I am doing something wrong and must be punished.

At this stage I just want a cuddle and some understanding and people who won't try to make me eat things I don't want to.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


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Old 19-06-2020, 08:52 AM   #16
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Well, were you scared of talking to the doctor? If so, then talking to him was brave.

I'm glad you've found a tolerable isotonic drink, it sounds sensible to drink one each day :)

When you say 'drug yourself'; is that medication that you're supposed to take every night anyway? If so, what about taking it earlier to try to get a better night's sleep?

Cryptic with the physical observation thing but 0/10 enthusiasm here for any kind of punishing yourself!!!

*virtual cuddles*



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 20-06-2020, 08:54 AM   #17
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I take OTC promethazine. I hate that I have to but I'm getting about four hours sleep even with that and as someone who is used to 8+ hours a night I'm exhausted.

Thank you for the cuddles.

I have a physical health check on the 3rd, and it's booked in to be 50 minutes long! Like what on Earth are they planning to test?!

I am turning into someone I don't recognise. I'm lying so much, I've never been like this before. But I cannot seem to force myself to eat. I am terrified of putting all the medication weight back on, I worry about it when I am trying to sleep.

I'm a bit scared. This level of prolonged restriction is new to me. And at the same time I'm so happy - I'm finally losing a little bit of weight. I know it's a stupid way to lose weight, I know my heart could give out because of the chronic laxative abuse, etc, etc. That's the ridiculous bit. I preach the dangers of all the things I'm doing to everyone else but apparently can't apply the same logic to myself. I really really didn't want to take the laxatives last night but I *had* to. The thought of not doing it was more scary than the thought of dying in my sleep.

And I'm still too big to have an ED.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the next two weeks while I wait for this check up. Fester probably.

Woe. Is. Me.

I am pathetic.



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Old 20-06-2020, 06:41 PM   #18
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I don't think you are pathetic. Maybe they made it for 50 minutes to make sure they had enough time to listen to you or give you a few minutes if you might get anxious? I usually get longer appointments (without asking) so they can take things slower instead of being so rushed. It means they have the time if you need it, and of course if you don't need the entire time you don't have to use it!

Did you or can you ask if there are any options for support while you wait for the appointment?



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Old 04-07-2020, 02:46 PM   #19
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Hey, how are you doing? How was the physical check thingy yesterday?



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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Old 06-07-2020, 11:55 AM   #20
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Hey, sorry, things been mental here. Physical check was ok, got a text telling me my liver function is a bit out of range but I think all ok other than that. Eating is weird. My mum is visiting due to other circumstances and got worried I wasn't eating so I've had to prove I am and I can't purge or take laxatives and I'm fat and bloated and i hate it. People keep going on about how much weight I've lost but I'm still enormous. I can't wait to go back to restricting even though I felt like **** and couldn't sleep. I just want to be a healthy weight again. That can't be bad can it?
I know. This is a stupid way to go about it. But my brain is programmed to see food as some sort of challenge: all or nothing. I don't know when I'm hungry until I start passing out and I don't know when I'm full until I'm in pain.



'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'


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