That moment when...

[Margo]

You find out 40 years later that your father used to black out with anger and hit you and your mum around the head.

It's funny because I've always known he hit my mum but I guess I just thought it was a one off out of anger.

she left him when I was five and until today she never told me why except that "they were too young"

She said she took me to the doctors once to make sure I wasn't brain damaged. Prior, she said he didn't beat me, he just went into a blind rage and would hit the both of us.

I'm not calling this abuse or saying I feel abused because I don't. But I guess I the only thing I feel is murderous.

I have no intention of committing patricide before anyone wonders.

I have absolutely no recollection of this what so ever but I must have been terrified, right? I mean I was under 5.


Anyway, I guess I thought this was the best part of the forum to put this. I think I needed to just verbalise it in some way.

Ho hum

[Margo]

I went straight to bed, the pressure on my head was too much. I'm going away for a couple of weeks tomorrow but I have to see my dad in an hour and for the rest of the day.

I want to give him a ugly because I know he's not a bad man at all and it was all a long time ago. He doesn't know I know.

But it's all making sense now. I've always been anxious about getting things wrong and been a perfectionist. I've always blanked out when asked what's the worst that can happen or if admitted it I would say in therapy that I felt I'd be attacked and I didn't know why.

This must be the reason? Is it? Got to be, right?

**** this is so weird

[Oleander]

Things that happen when we are very young can affect the rest of your life in weird ways, especially because the brain is still forming.

I wonder why your mother chose now to reveal all the reasons she left and not earlier.

I am sorry that your dad hit you, that is terrible to have happened.

[raining_inmyhead]

Hugs... you know where I am x

[Margo]

Sorry but I could really do with some feedback on this. I'm fine but it's always on my mind

[random.swirls]

I didn't want to read and run

I can imagine that hearing this must have been devastating (is that the right word?)

Are you close with your dad now? I wonder if you could talk to him about it see what he has to say?

[Eir]

I'm with oleander, would explain some things, and the why now question is where my mind is drawn.
I hope things went ok with seeing your dad. I think some time to process this might help. Deffo mention to therapist tho, perhaps it could be worked into your therapy or suggest a new approach. I don't know.
*hugs & squishes*

[Margo]

Thanks Cam. Yeah I'm fairly close to him.

Annie as to why now, well, it's because I asked my mum. I knew he had hit her when I was tiny but assumed it was just a one off. But things weren't making sense and I guess I've had some clarity in therapy recently and started to finally question my early years.


I have been fine around him but when I'm alone my mind wanders. It makes a lot of sense now why I'm so freaked when I hear anyone shouting and I always try and avoid conflict even when that means I lose out entirely. Why I don't stick up for myself.

My modus operandi is to please and placate and I guess I'm starting to know why.

I just have no memory of it and my therapist via email said it's perfectly possible for me to have blanked it all out.

[Eir]

Especially that early in life it's understandable to have forgotten it, but internalised the "lesson" of avoiding conflict.
It's good that you asked. Learning reasoning behind your personality quirks can make it easier to deal with, although in the beginning it can be uncomfortable.
Thinking of you