It's been longtime since I made a post anywhere but in the Supporter Forums or R/V...but here goes nothin'
Ok so those of you who know me will know I've had ED issues and SI issues. SI for 5 years now. ED for a little over a year. Neither is partcularily bad at the moment although my ED is getting stronger again. Something I am reluctant to do much to fight against. Which worries me.
My best friend recently OD'd and ended up in hospital, later being diagnosed as bulimic. I really want to be there for her, but feel I'm just being a hypocrite as I constantly think about OD'ing or going back to my bulimic/ED-NOS ways.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I've had the therapy (5 different ones to date) and many of you will know how strongly I feel about not wanting another one. But I can't live like this.
I struggle to get up in the mornings. My grades are slipping at college, right at the wrong time of year, my attendance and motivation is shocking. I used to care. Now, I couldn't give a damn. I don't even have my passion for dance anymore, which was my life before. I'm just so.....blase about it all.
I feel like I'm being suffocated by something, and my body is constantly tense. I saw "Jack" the other day too. He was my kind-of voice in my head thing. I just used to see him more than hear him...
I don't want to die. Really I don't. Because I believe that there is so much more to life than this. I believe that suicide is *the* most selfish act. Even though I understand why people do it and i sympathise with them, I think for me to do it, would be wrong.
But what do you do when you can't see a way out, and can't find the will to look it? I want to live, not just exist. Part of me wants to hide away forever, but that's not an option. Short of becoming Nun and never seeing the outside world, SI, Food related behaviour or rum just seem to be the answer.
I'm not sure what I want from this post. It's just repeating the things I always seem to say. And I do take notice of your advice guys. I really do. I just need to know...am I overreacting...or is it time i found help again?
xxx
Playing with fire,
You know you're gonna hurt somebody tonight.
And you're out on the wire,
You know we're playing with fire.
Please don't feel embarrassed for posting. As a supporter, I'm sure you know more than most just how important it is to ask for help when you need it.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. You don't have to feel like a hypocrite for being there for her - think about it, a lot of people on RYL still self harm even though they're encouraging people to stop doing so. It's about caring for other people's welfare more than being hypocritical.
It must be quite off-putting that you've had 5 different types of therapy, but you're still struggling with things. Remember, though, that just because some things don't work for you, it doesn't mean that nothing else will. If you are really, really low, and you feel like you cannot go on - it's probably time to try and reach out and ask for help.
If nothing else, it's a good thing that you don't want to die. It means that you still have the will to carry on and persevere, and that you know, somewhere inside of you, that things can and will get better. You're right; it's probably not a good idea to hide away from the world, but self-destructive behaviour is never the answer.
You're not over-reacting, sweetheart. I'm sorry that this reply is a few days late, and I've probably already repeated everything you know.
Take care of yourself, lovely. I hope things look up for you soon; I'm always here if you need a chat or anything. xo
Location: London . . . the less awesome one in Ontario, Canada
You mentioned that you're in college - have you explored any of the services available to you there? I know that my university has a health clinic, and the doctor there can refer us to other doctors if need be, and we also have a good counseling department. I know you said you've already had counseling a few times, and it's not something you're keen on, but it may be something to explore again. The reason I suggest your college as a source for these services is because typically, the people there are better trained to handle situations involving young people like us, and often have a better understanding of how we tend to think and feel, and what we're going through. I had better experiences with the services at my school than anywhere else.
You said so yourself, and I think you're very right - it sounds like it's time to seek outside help. It sounds as though things are very difficult and unhappy for you, but please know that you don't need to keep feeling that way. You deserve to be happy, healthy and enjoying life, especially right now - college should be an amazing, fun time in our lives.
I hope you're able to find what you need and that things start to turn the corner for you soon. I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
*cuddles Sophie*
Well done for posting, darling. It can be very difficult to actually get up the oomph, I suppose, to post - especially when you're not posting for any specific cause - but well done you, really, well done you.
Firstly, about your friend - that must be challenging. It can be a huge blow to have a close friend go through any emotional difficulties, especially & even more so when the friend goes through things that you can parallel your life to. Are you able to support her, or would it better - psychologically - for you to leave others, who perhaps are in a more stable position, to take primary care of her? The feeling of hypocrisy is awful, isn't it? It's like a nail digging into your skull, god knows I've felt it. But, darling, if hypocrisy were so wrong, we'd end up with next to no therapists or counsellors, doctors would be out of a job - sometimes it's not hypocrisy so much as distancing your life from theirs; something that technically isn't bad. Plus, often when you help another, you can subconciously help yourself to find some solution.
Is your friend getting psychological support, at all?
Have you spoken to your school tutors about what's going on with you? Often, more often than not, they are able to deal with things - whatever happens - and can & are very willing to help you - but you need to communicate with them. As you said to me, which is a very valid point, a lot of people struggle at this time of year. I don't mean to quantify you or what you're feeling at all, but it is something worth thinking about.
It must be very disconcerting to have had 5 different therapists of sorts - a bit like too many cooks spoil the broth, perhaps? What about seeing if you can get referred to the adult mental health service, as that could probably be the most sustainable form of care? Would you feel comfortable doing that? Think of jeans shopping - you quite rarely go jean-shopping & find your perfect pair, it tends to be a case of trying on different jeans in different shops, expimenting with different outfits. Sometimes, there just isn't the perfect pair of jeans, so you just have to make do - but somtimes, there are the absolute perfect pair.
Therapists work in the same way. It's quite rare to find one that fits you like a glove first time, and sometimes you just have to persevere & persever until you find one that really suits. The ultimate thing is to not forfeit the care & support you need in the in-between time, just waiting for the perfect pair - you wouldn't go out trouser-less, would you? :)
Who says that you need to go without your problems? They aren't fun, but they are a part of who you are - and until you find a better coping mechanism, to just ignore them could lead to much, much bigger issues - classic symptoms of repression of a disorder. Do you know how happy I was when I read that you didn't want to die? It sounds silly, but that is such a positive statement, and a true testament to your ability of being objective; a true skill, and very positive. The fact that you can remove yourself enough from the situation to be able to say that you don't want to die, despite feeling so awful - is just a testament to your strong character. And while surviving & existing is ok, there is so much more life out there - and god knows you deserve it.
Have you spoken to any of your friends about what's happening with you? Do they know, or are they able to support you?
Please take care, and let us know what happens. I'm so sorry about the condescending tone of this post :/
Lots of love to you - you know where I am, and I'm always here for you. *squishes*
xox
Oh my, I feel so overwhelmed right now. Thank you all so much.
Katherine - your kind words and advice always mean so much to me. Always. Shutting people out and dissassociation is something I can relate to in a way. Thank you *hugs*
Kaya - No worries for it being a few days "late". It's just so good to know that people have read and are willing to give the time to reply. Everything you said makes perfect sense. You're a cool bean missus.
J.D - My college do have a counselling service, but I finish in 2 weeks, so by the time they get their arses in gear and so forth, I'll be gone for the summer. So I'm not sure it's worth it. I'll bear it in mind though. When I was at school, i had bad experiences with the counsellours, so that doesn't help. *recieves good thoughts and reciprocates them*
Jo-ness - Thank you so so much sweetpie. Your replies always mean so so much to me, and always help me.
The situation with my friend is made more difficult by the fact she has just split up with her boyfriend of nearly 3 years. Her friends are also his frinds, which makes it hard for her to rely on them. Shehas others, and her family are wonderful, but it's me she's ratherrely on. And I don't mind that. I find helping others helps me, evn if it is only by pushing my problems aside.
What you say about jeans and therapists is very true. And something I;ve thought about alot. Although, I'm not 18 till August, so I'm thinking they might not send me to the adult peoples. Maybe I just need to wait till exam ae over, see how i feel and then go. That way I'm almost 18 and it may be easier? I'm not sure.
My friends don't really know much. Sam, my friend I spoke about in my post, she knows things get rocky for me, but she doesn't know what they're like now, nor would I want her to with everything she's dealing with. My other best frind knows that i get down alot, and she knows how to tell when I am, as she is quite similar, but she doesn't know details. So i hae her support Aloong with that of a few others from college, but I don't really like to bother my friends too much.
My family are all very wapped up in themselves right now, and i'm getting on so well with my mum, I don't want to ruin that.
Your reply wasn't consedscending at all sweetie. It was lovely. I'm here for you all too.
*hugs you all* Thank you again.
Sophie xxx
Playing with fire,
You know you're gonna hurt somebody tonight.
And you're out on the wire,
You know we're playing with fire.
