Anyone else have parents who attempt to be supportive and up making things worse?
I don't talk to my parents about stuff. I'm not comfortable with it, I know they don't understand because they admit it themselves, and they usually end up making me feel worse. But somehow, they're convinced that it's very important that they talk to me about stuff. And by "talk," I mean, "rant loudly about how freaky it is, how I have no reason to be so upset, and how I should be telling them what they can do to help, then immediately disregarding any answers I'm able to give as not good enough." My dad actually started crying today while ranting at me... It's freaking Father's Day, and I made my Dad cry. Apparently being depressed is not only stupid and unreasonable, but I'm also a freak for SI-ing and all of this is entirely my fault. (No one has actually said that, but that's how it sounds.)
I really don't know what to do... They always make me feel so terrible when they try to "help," I really just wish they'd leave me alone, because as cliche and emo as it sounds they really just don't get it at all.
Any tips?
I should probably just not wear tank tops... My friends don't ask, so I can get away with it when I'm with them, but I forget to change when I get home and all hell breaks loose.
Well unforturnately I know what it is like to have parents like you are talking. I think maybe you should just try telling them things that you are comfortable telling them about your life. You know, school, friends, work, all of that stuff. I think they might just want to be involved... but if telling them the personal things makes yu uncomfortable, you dont have to do it, especially if you feel like you are just going to shut down and feel more horrible afterwards... cause in the end that is really helping no one. I am not encouraging not talking about your problems... but just try it a little at a time. And of course, in crisis, I strongly encourage you talk to someone.
I am sorry that they make you feel like this, but I am sure that a lot of perople here will be able to sympathize with the situation. And by the way, you are NOT a freak, I promise you arent no matter what anyone else says.
My pm box is always open, use it if you need to okay?
Take Care
x Kate
i had a similiar situation a few years ago, i told my mother i was depressed and such and she really kinda freaked out, crying all the time always asking what to do and so on, any way the only solution i found that worked is i told her i didn't think it was helping me at all talking to her about anything, so i wouldn't any more....
may sound harsh on the surface, but parents usually are not in any way in a good position to handle talking to their kid about this sort of thing, they tend to be emotional and wierd.
but as the above post said i don't think not talking to them at all is a good idea, but maybe in dosses that you can all take and are confortable with. finding that confort zone may take a little time but its better in the end :).
*hugs*
x x x x x
I feel so useless, so pointless, nothing left for me to say. Lying in the corner, can I make this go away? Let these curdled tears flow, burning from my soul. How can I exist?
When my parents found out, well, my dad didnt care, but my mum was so angry with me and then got all upset. And yes, it hurt a lot.
But I guess you have to try and see it from their view:
Their child is so upset they are hurting themselves, and they wont know how to make thigns better, but it hurts them too.
I guess the only way to resolve it is to speak to them, tell them how you're feeling, and how they're making you feel. Let them know that its too much, and isnt helping and try and suggest ways they could support you without makingyou feel uncomfortable.
My parents went on to pretend either it didnt happen (in my mums case) or I dont exist (in my dad's) and that doesnt work either.
I really hope you manage to resolve this, because your parents most likely only want whats best for you, and thats why they're so upset in the first place.
My mum just asks lots of questions - why, when, how etc etc.
I rarely wear short sleeves around her now because I don't like talking about it with her or anyone for that matter.
My mum has said before it distrsses her so I try to hide it quite abit.
I dunno... this isn't helpful at all.
My relationship with my mom has definitely gotten worse since she found out. And then it was worse still when found out that I didn't stop when I told her I did. I got all the questions: when, why, how, what did you use, etc. Then she went on about what a awful mother she must be for me to be doing this. Which only made me feel worse. She saw some of my scars, then she gave mederma. GRR.
So I try to keep it from her as much as possible.
All you wanna do is drag me down
All I wanna do is stamp you out
I sympathise - it sounds a lot like my parent's reaction to me. I guess all you can really do is tell them you're not comfortable talking to them about it. And hope they listen to that sentence. Good luck with it xx
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
mother just yelled at me which makes the whole thing worse. Dad dint really do much was just kinda liek oh okay hope you feel better blah blah. but yeh.. mother then went on to say if your depressed your selfish and other such cr*p which is why i hate her.
It is I suppose natural for parents who discover that their son/daughter is self-harming to immediately start blaming themselves and/or the self-harmer. This is almost certainly because they have no previous experience of SH and they don't understand it.
I can hear the cries now: "You've been brought up in a loving home, you've never wanted for anything, so what are you so unhappy about and why are you doing this to yourself (and to us)?" But you can't really blame them, however galling it may be. They feel that they've failed you and that they've failed as parents.
Surely the key to this is parental understanding. If so, how can this be achieved? There has in fact been very much more discussion of SH on TV, radio and in the media generally in the last year or two - but clearly not enough to "educate" all parents.
I'm left wondering, therefore, whether there might be any merit in RYL producing a "Parent's Guide to Self-Harm" that members could print off and give to their parents or leave around for them to see - or even use as the basis for any discussion they have with their parents. It would ideally be not more than one A4 page, explaining the causes underlying SH and their treatment and emphasising the need to avoid laying blame on either the self-harmer or on the parents themselves. It would hopefully allow SIers to explain that they're not freaks, that this is a widespread problem, that no-one is to blame and that there is a way out. It should not in my view be the work of a single author but, instead, be a joint effort produced, or at least agreed by, a small "working group" of active current members so that the message is genuinely from the horse's mouth.
Sorry if this comes across as perhaps naive but, if the underlying problem described in this thread is lack of parental understanding - and I do believe it is - then what can we do positively to improve that understanding?
my mom tries to help. sometimes. basically she wants to talk but when i try, she doesnt listen and when i want to get professional help, she's very reluctant. most of the time though she acts like there's nothing wrong with me which actually makes things worse because then i really cant talk to her.
anyway, i hope things start to get a bit better with your parents. good luck! *hugs*
I guess, trying to see it from the parental POV, it must be so hard to see your child SIing and know/feel that there is nothing you can do to make them feel better. My parents definitely tried to "help" but only made things worse. I know that my mom told some of her friends to talk to me about SI, thinking that I would be more likely to talk to them than to go to her for advice. And my father... ah, he tries so hard... he called my doctor and asked him about plastic surgery for my scars (of course my father never brought this up to me -- my doctor told me about this when I went in for a sinus infection...). But anyway, I wish that there was something that I could have shown my family re: SI. My mom was a school psychologist and dealt with it in her student's lives daily, but that is very hard to translate over to your own daughter. Maybe it would be easier to have something you can show them, something pre-written, to open a coherent, non-stressful (is that possible, though?) conversation.... well, I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. If you need anything, or want to talk, let me know!
yes, yes, and yes. it is a lack of understanding. you have to explain what you want. they are trying to help you, but they dont know how. so, you've gotta give 'em a push in the right direction.
ps, I looked at your profile, you are very pretty. =]
"all things truly wicked start from an innocence."
I'm left wondering, therefore, whether there might be any merit in RYL producing a "Parent's Guide to Self-Harm" that members could print off and give to their parents or leave around for them to see - or even use as the basis for any discussion they have with their parents. It would ideally be not more than one A4 page, explaining the causes underlying SH and their treatment and emphasising the need to avoid laying blame on either the self-harmer or on the parents themselves. It would hopefully allow SIers to explain that they're not freaks, that this is a widespread problem, that no-one is to blame and that there is a way out. It should not in my view be the work of a single author but, instead, be a joint effort produced, or at least agreed by, a small "working group" of active current members so that the message is genuinely from the horse's mouth.
Sorry if this comes across as perhaps naive but, if the underlying problem described in this thread is lack of parental understanding - and I do believe it is - then what can we do positively to improve that understanding?
Any views?
Tony.
I think there might be one on MIND but am not too sure.
Hey, I know that I can't deal with my mum knowing, and attempting to talk to me about anything. Any time she tried I would get very argumentative(sp!) and shout at her that it was nothing to do with her. Over the past say 3 to 4 years I have still not managed to have a proper conversation with her about my problems even when she was phoned up by my councillor because I was suicidal. For me it made me want to cut myself and has made me attempt suicide and all she has said was 'I got a call from *incert councillors name*'. I know my mum was only trying to help, allowing me to talk to her but for me I couldn't deal with it.
I know that is not really the same as you, because you are at least having some sort of conversation about it. But I understand what you mean when you say your parents are trying to help but it is making it worse. I was lucky that my councillor told my mum not to try and talk to me about things cause I had said that it makes me really suicidal and I just couldn't deal with it.
I don't know what the previous replies say as I haven't had time to read them so I appoligies for any repitition I may have made!
Maybe getting them some information about self harm, write down a note with things they can do that would help you, and things you do not want them to do.
If you have professional help then maybe your councillor, therapist etc can speak to them? Maybe agree to get some help if you don't. It can be a bit of give and take, your parents have to let you be yourself and allow you to find your way through this, its all part of growing up but also you know that they are upset, their child is unhappy, so unhappy that they are harming themselfs. Its really difficult for parents.
I saw the bit about a parents guide lines - the problem with this is many people are different. For example I couldn't cope with any conversation with my mum about this. But other people may want their parents to talk to them about it, get them a first aid kit (my councillor suggested this to my mum but she never did it, think I am glad she didn't!). But you know what I mean, advice to parents would have to be under different headings, 'If your child wants to talk', 'If your child doesn't want to talk', 'Has help', 'wants help but not from me', 'Doesn't want help but you feel they need it' etc etc.
Hope that makes some sence....but I can understand that it is hard dealing with parents, I can't have any serious conversation that involves emotions with my mother and don't think that will ever change...
Hope you manage to improve things with your parents.
Love Devil x
You made up your mind to torture mine!
If you read a scar like a book, you will relise the story in which you over look
