Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - How do you deal with it?
I know I'm new to the abuse and bullying forum, and I'm sorry about posting, but I just really wanted some help.
Just over a week ago now, I was raped in the park near where I live.
I won't go into details, but basically I was really really drunk (but not so drunk that I don't remember what happened) and I went into the park to meet some friends. I got there and literally as I walked past the skate ramps someone grabbed me and pushed me into the trees, and... well, y'know. I hate the actual word rape.
I don't even know who it was. Like if someone asked me to describe him, I really wouldn't be able to.
I was so confused after it happened that I rang my best friend and told her everything. Had I been sober, I doubt I would have done that, but it's done now and I can't change it.
I didn't cry about it, and I haven't since, but I feel disgusting. I threw away the clothes I was wearing that night because I woke up and saw them the next morning and could hardly even touch them.
I've been to the clinic in my town and got checked out for everything, and it's all fine, but that's no real help.
I was 4 months and 18 days SI free up until about... 15 minutes ago, but I just couldn't deal with how I'm feeling any more, and cutting was the only way I knew that might help (although of course it didn't).
I can't sleep properly. I keep having weird flashbacks just before I fall asleep which wake me up again.
I don't know what the point in typing all this out was... I guess I just wanted someone to tell me that they know how I feel.
x
Tonight I'm alive just to say I love you to death.
sweetie, i'm sooo sooo sorry this has happened to you. The best thing i can suggest is to talk to someone, and the sooner you do it the better. You can call a sexual assault phone line or talk to a counsellor - this stuff is too hard to deal with on your own and having a professional that knows and understands what you're going through will help you.
A couple of other things - don't feel because you were drunk that this is your fault - you NEVER deserve to be raped. And try not to be too upset about the cutting relapse - just try to work on this stuff, and the SI stuff can come along for the ride.
I am dealing with this stuff in therapy at the moment, so if you need to talk or anything, just PM me ok. We do know how you feel here, and you are never alone in this. (((hugs?))) tammy
*offers gentle hugs* I know how it hurts afterwards....I am so sorry you had this, nobody ever deserves to be hurt like that. I hate the word as well, I can't say it and have difficulty even typing it. But whether you were drunk or not, it's NOT your fault. Nobody EVER deserves to be attacked. Is there anyone you can tell in confidence to help you with this?
I'm always only a PM away if you need to talk, stay safe and take care,
Chelsea xx
My RYL Family: xXx_Dying2BePerfect_xXx is my adoptive mum. CrimsonTears and Field Of Paper Flowers are my big sisters; Void_Walker is my big brother, poison is my little brother, Cakey is my aunt, ickle-baybee-stacey and miss understud are my daughters.
.....I'm smiling like there is nothing wrong. I'm talking like everything's perfect. I'm acting like it's all just a dream. And pretending he's not hurting me....
*gentle hugs if okay*
Oh sweetie, what happened was wrong and horrible, but not wrong of you. Something discusting happened to you, but you're not dirty, you're still the same beautiful you as before. No matter how drunk you may have been it still doesn't make this your fault. You've been so brave through all of this in telling your friend and going to the clinic and I'm so glad you were able to do that because it's important for you to look after yourself.
So what if you're new, you're still an important and valued member and person and never have to be sorry for posting, that's what we're here for and we're here for you so please don't ever forget that. You might not know what the point of posting was but you know what that's okay, you posted because like you said you needed to get it out, and we're all here and wont judge you, we're here to give you that listening ear and support you so much need and deserve, and I think you were really brave to be able to post because it isn't always an easy thing to do. And I can relate to a lot of what you said. I have been in a similar position and I can relate to some of your feelings, which is why I want to be here for you if I can.
Talking about what happened can really help, it isn't easy and brings back such painful memories and feelings to begin with, but with that support you'll be able to deal with these thoughts and feelings, and remember you're not doing it alone, always here if you need an ear, take care x
Change the voices in your head,
Make them like you instead
Bless ya hun you don't have to say thanks because that's what we're here for, but you're welcome all the same. Please know we're always here to listen and feel free to pm me anytime, you're not alone with any of this, take care *hugs*
Change the voices in your head,
Make them like you instead