Triggering (SI/ED) - blame.. (poss suicide trig?)

[soundtrack_to_your_escape]

i don't know why i'm writing this here, as it's quite possibly something i'm not sure i wanna say anything about to anyone. but i just wanna get it out.

i don't understand how anyone can stand to be around me, everything just appears to be my fault. it's like everything that is wrong is my fault. i cause problems for my family constantly. none of them like me anymore never mind love me. and none of them can ever find out about my "eating habits" cos they will all just go mad at me and say i'm ruining their lives.

i feel as though it can never be any one else's fault. it always has to be mine. i'm not allowed to be upset, i'm not ever allowed to be angry. i've always got to be some happy little idiot that constantly smiles. i'm not allowed to feel anything or something.

right now i can't do anything, i want to cut, i want to purge everything i haven't eaten today, i want to ****ing swallow all my ****ing meds and anything else i can find, just to get a way from this shithole.

why the **** does my mum not ****ing love me? she even ****ing blames me that my dad died. and she hates him cos he "left her with me" i mean what kind of horrible thing to say is that?

the last time i tried to kill myself it was because she told me to...she didn't try and stop me, but unfortunately my brother phoned an ambulance. i was so happy cos i felt like i was going to be with my dad again. how stupid is that?

i make people's lives a misery. i just hurt people. i shouldn't be allowed contact with anyone, whether it be on teh phone, in person or online. i should be like sectioned or something. kept away from every single other human being. or even better, taking somewhere quiet and shot in teh head.

i don't know what i'm going to do with myself tonight. i have to go stay at my boyfriends, and be all happy and cheery and smiley. and i don't know if i'm going to be able to do it cos i felt like breaking down before this, and now i just don't feel like anything. i just feel like letting the whole stupid thing end.

then everybody else would be happy and i wouldn't have to feel a god damn thing.

i don't even feel like i should be here. it's not like i've been diagnosed with anything, it's not like i have the same problems as so many of you do, and it makes me feel pitiful and small. and i hate myself for that too.

i'm such a disgusting person. i'm so sorry.

[surprising mystery]

I just want to say that the fact you havent been diagnosed means bugger all, you still have serious problems and you still deserve help.

It is never your fault that your dad died (I am so sorry that you have suffered such loss *cuddles*) And it is bang out of order for your mum to suggest that it was anything to do with you.

I know your mum isnt supporting you right now but can you seek some support from your bf, and his family, make this the chance to find out who is solid and supportive and who isnt. There is always samaritans on 08457 909090 they are very helpful.

You dont deserve to suffer any more, please dont hurt yourself. Do you still have much contact with your brother? Any professional help?

Could you go to the drs and make an emergency appointment and insist you see them or the crisis team?


Sorry this maybe no help, but I just wanted you to know your never alone, I recognise your pain, your not invisable and I read this all.

Loads of hugs xxxxxxxx

[random.swirls]

I am so sorry to hear what is going on is there any way that you could stay with someone for a bit so you and your mum can give each other space for a bit?

You arent a disgusting person regardless of what you think I think you are in need of help and you need a good hug. What does your brother think about it all is he any help?

What do your drs. say about what your mum says have you ever told them what is going on?

I also wonder if you have ever grieved for you father properly.

How did it go with your boyfriend last night?

xoxox

[forever_blonde]

Oh boy, I cannot believe you feel guilty that you don't have the problems some of us do - err, hello! You've had such a tough time sweetie, it breaks my heart for you what you have had to deal with. I'm so sorry you've not found the love and support that you need to help you through this difficult time.

Family is such a difficult one. What we need from them and what they give us sadly doesn't always amount to the same thing. Often other family members are so wrapped up in their own troubles that they fail to notice ours, and they end up taking their own frustrations out on us and saying hurtful things they don't really mean. I'm not excusing that behaviour, it's selfish and soo hurtful to be at the receiving end when all you want is a hug and not a constant stream of criticism, but sadly it is the situation that too many people find themselves in.

Please understand that you don't deserve any of the bad things that have happened to you. You've just had a rotten time of it. How old are you? Please try to see the bigger picture which is that you may have had a crap childhood so far, but you have your whole life ahead of you and things will get better. You are not defined by the way people are treating you right now. One day you will be free to plan your own future and get out there and start living it, and you won't need to let other people hurt you like this. You will meet new people and go new places, and I promise you your life will get soo much better. We can never rely on others to make us happy or to define our self-worth - that can only ever come from ourselves.

I wish I could say more to make you feel better and understand that you are not a bad person, that you are special and unique and beautiful. Please stay strong and look to the future, and these troubles will pass I know they will. *Hugs you so tight*
Loads of love,

Helen xox

[forever_blonde]

Oh, I forgot to say - please please change your avatar picture! I know you feel like that, but that is not who you are. You are special and sensitive and beautiful, and I hate that you post that picture about yourself. You deserve so much more and have no reason to punish yourself the way you do. Life has been so so tough for you, but what is important now is how you go about getting on with your life and making a future for yourself that gets you away from all of this. One day you will find people who will cherish and support you and give you all the love you need and deserve.

xoxox

[soundtrack_to_your_escape]

thanks you guys.

my brother doesn't know anything, i think he is a rather closed off person, and i don't know what he'd think. don't want to know.

not spoken to a dr in years, got referred to a psychiatrist a few years ago, but to be honest it didn't really help and i stopped going.

i don't know about greiving for my dad, i haven't really been allowed to think or talk about it that much as people think i'm just whining and i should just get on with life.

night with boyfriend was okish, although he's not speaking to me now, i'm not sure why. i tried to talk to him about my ED, and well he asked how he could help and i said he could just support me and whatnot. and well today he's basically just triggered the hell out of me, it took all my self restraint to not run to his bathroom and purge.

i'm trying so hard to get better. but now that i'm trying, it seems to make it worse, which makes me so confused. i don't know what to do.

i've just recently turned 18 btw, about a month ago

xxx

[random.swirls]

Can you go and talk to your gp about all this and just explain that you need a bit of extra support at the moment. It will be entirely confidential and maybe highly beneficial?

Can you print of some information for your boyfriend so he know's a bit more about what is going on?

Things sometimes get worse before they get better - you have to confront all the demons you have hidden and that can be painful. You need to start viewing yourself better look at the positves and keep reinforcing them loosing the negatives as you go. Its all about baby steps and to keep adding to them :)

Can you get 2 jars and for every achievement you have you put a coin in one of them. The achievements can be from something huge and momentous to as small as simply getting out of bed at a reasonable hour! Then in your second jar you put a coin in everytime you have a bad day note a whole day here :) At the end of the month you count the coins up and spend the good jar on you and only you and the other jars contents goes to charity or something like that :)
xoox

[soundtrack_to_your_escape]

aw random.swirls (sorry i don't know your name) that sounds like such an awesome idea. i think i'll do that =]

i was just coming on to try and find my last post where jo gave me a couple of links.

i'm still unsure of going to my dr, but i will see how i feel soon.

thanks for your support *hugs* xxxx

[Scabette]

Giant *hugs* to you hun. I think it wud be a good idea to see ur doctor. Random swirls is a genius chick.

\And I hope u feel better soon. It might not seem possible but it is I swear. x

[soundtrack_to_your_escape]

i gave my bf a bunch of stuff on bulimia and EDNOS. cos he wasn't sure about eating disorders and that. and other info from the site jo gave me. he's read it through and says he wants to talk to me about it.

i had killer pains in my stomach and slightly in my chest today, and i'm not sure if that's been brought on by this or not. cos they have never been that bad before. i could barely walk. i'm just so scared of going to the dr or my mum finding out, cos she will just say i'm ruining her life and make fun of me when she's drunk.

i've been extremely good, i haven't purged in i think a week. although i did try today, but it didn't work. so in a way i'm quite pleased about that.

but most of all, i'm definately start to feel better. mostly i feel my life is going ok at the moment, minus one or 2 glitches, and i wanna keep myself as happy and healthy as possible.

i just wanna say thanks to all you guys who've helped me with this too =] xxxxxx

[soundtrack_to_your_escape]

ok, my bf wanted to talk to me about it, cos he wanted to break up with me.

so now i have absolutely zilch reason to recover.

hm....rofl.

[surprising mystery]

You have every reason to recover, if you are to recover it has to be for yourself, nobody else so please dont let this get in your way.

Reasons to start with:
To be healthy
To be happy
To be confident
To live a free life from calories and weights
To be full of energy and no have a constant pain in your tummy and head
To be able to say, yeah, I struggled, but I over came it

now you add some.....

Take care, I know it hurts to loose someone you love but it takes two to tango so if he was never commited enough then it wasnt going to work anyway and think of it a as a good thing cos now you can look for someone who is worth your time and love cos you are free.

xxx Marie

[soundtrack_to_your_escape]

we got back together. sorta..


i've started to eat again. and i've not purged in a week. but even when i eat, i still eat less than 1000 calories a day. and that's with me trying to eat. and that's seems to be enough to keep me going. and i'm really confused. cos i'm really trying.

[surprising mystery]

well done for trying and sucessfully eating and not purging :) I was just thinking 'damn I cant give anymore hugs' but I will send cuddles in post :P

Your getting there, you have improved a lot, be proud of that, I hope you can continue to eat more cos I dont need to tell you that 100cals/day isnt enough.

xxx