Divorce

[Solstice]

I got married on November 9. There were "red flags" before we got married but I truly thought we were in love and that I could handle what was happening or that things would change. Some of the things that were happening I knew deep down were very wrong, but I didn't want to admit that the fears everyone had had when I entered into this relationship, were right, and that I had fallen in love with someone just like my father. My PTSD got so much worse and, as I posted here, my sleep nearly ceased to exist at all. My husband was using sex as something to control me with and I was allowing it. I was allowing him to abuse me and I even married him knowing this was something that was going to happen. Knowing that he, well, he hurt me. He grew more and more controlling and my friends began to warn me that they were concerned by his behavior, but I didn't want to believe that my marriage was already failing.....not even a month after it started, really not even before it even started to begin with. But, I finally got the strength to stand up and walk away from him after he stole my purse for the third time and made it nearly impossible for me to leave (I had to call the police), then tried to manipulate me into coming home, then tried to set my apartment on fire.....
My husband now sits in a psychiatric hospital. I have requested he be sent back to the state hospital, however, my request holds no merit. My gatekeeper says we are probably going to have to pursue a protective order. Friday night I tried to kill myself for the first time in a very long time. Usually my gatekeeper would say I was being manipulative with my attempt, instead she said it was clear I was seriously trying to hurt myself. I will not let this throw me back into that place again, though. I am applying for jobs so that I can support myself (while also keeping my disability) and I am going to the gym so I can feel good about myself and hopefully get my eating disorder back under control. I am trying to take my life back. However, I am struggling. Falling into a ball of tears at random times. We are awaiting the next week to find out if I am pregnant, praying I'm not. This time in my life is hard and I could sure use some support
Thank you

[Eir]

You have done so well so far, I just thought you should know that. It's never easy to walk away. Even if things are bad. Especially if you feel worthless. Which is what those types of people encourage you to feel. And these positive steps are wonderful, I'm amazed that you can make them. I was in a situation that is much less distressing and am not up to even trying to fight for positives, I'm just surviving.
Well done.

[Solstice]

I am so sorry you are also going through a hard time. Please feel free to private message me if you would like to talk. I am more than willing to lend a listening ear. Sometimes when in a situation like this, it is nice to know you're not alone and to be someone to help another person. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I don't really feel like I'm doing a good job getting through this. All of my healthcare professionals seem to be very worried about me. I have lost all trust with my psych since she asked me numerous times on Friday if I felt I needed to be hospitalized and I told her no. I have to explain to her that I thought I was going to be able to get through it without harming myself but with his incessant texts to me, facebook messages and messages to my friends, I just couldn't take it anymore. It's going to take a lot to earn the trust back with her though and I think from now on whenever I tell her I'm struggling with suicidal thinking, she's not going to take the chance of not hospitalizing me, she's probably going to turn to that option much sooner, which is unfortunate because I really don't think I need it and I do need to be able to express those feelings without fear of hospitalization. Anyway, please feel free to private message me if you'd like

[Margo]

Make a list of all the positives of your actions. If you can get help with it from a friend or therapist that would be best. Putting down the reasons for your decision can help cement them in times of uncertainty.

What you've done is hard. Really ducking hard! Your mind will play tricks and at times you'll feel guilty and unsure. Keep your list safe and refer back when you can. I think it may help.

I hope you get through this x