Starting as a foster carer- terrified but maybe making it... :)

LittleCloud · 15-08-2016, 03:18 PM

Just under three weeks ago I was called by a local non-gov organisation I underwent training to become a foster carer with... I made it! On Wednesday it will be two weeks since a fourteen year old girl came into my care. It's been a massive thing for her and me. If it works she will be in my care until she is 18.
There is so much I am only just learning and today at our initial doctors appointment I felt so small. I know I look quite young but the doctor did back up when I said I was 31. I'm still terrified and exhausted. I have so much to do and so much to learn....
But in the last year I have worked away from a relationship which became toxic; gotten stable with my anxiety and depression and have gained and maintained a healthy weight, overcoming an eating disorder which came into my life when I was about 14. I have survived- and not just that, I am helping something beautiful grow. Any support would be appreciated. I am working way better with the foster care team than I ever thought I could but it's going to be a bumpy ride. Life is

Breaks · 15-08-2016, 09:38 PM

Foster caring is a very admirable and selfless thing to do. Whilst I'm not a foster carer myself my day to day life requires me to be around a fostered child that is a part of the family and I can see the benefits any child can receive from somebody willing to give them the chance in life they deserve.

The only lesson I'd say I've learned is not to attempt to fix anyone's past, but to provide them with a direction in the present and to aid them with anything they require in the future. More often than not you might experience a bit of acting up/out but I find there are hidden agendas and the best way is to listen and not rule set.

Anyway I've no doubt you're more than a capable person of providing a fantastic life/growing up environment for them as, after all, having the courage and mind set to take up the challenge of fostering in the first place is an amazing character trait in itself.

All the best with it and do keep us posted on how you're getting on. I always like to see more people getting involved in fostering, and most importantly, providing that second chance some kids need.

LittleCloud · 17-08-2016, 02:05 PM

Thanks so much. That's what I've been doing- I do it with my guys at work too as I'm a disability support worker. Usually I'll have a joke with them but in the end it's about what needs to be done and we work rules other than basics as we go. Mostly it's just been a heavy adjustment but tomorrow I have to start things up with school because it's finally all been agreed and I know my gal is nervous about it. I told her I want to aim for her going every day but I understand with a few issues we have to deal with there will be days off. It's all so new right now but I know we have trust forming. I hope we can do this- tomorrow will be two weeks since we started

Ballerina123 · 17-08-2016, 08:07 PM

I just wanna say what you're doing is an amazing thing.
Keep reaching out for support.
What you have got through in your life shows that you a determined, hard working person and becoming a foster carer in really amazing.
I would love to this.
I know with what you have gone through you have the strength and courage to do this really well.

Sending love x

LittleCloud · 18-08-2016, 02:47 PM

Thank you. I hope that my experiences can go to some good. I know I try my best with the guys I support at work too. I still feel so lost and waiting for something to go drastically wrong but it hasn't yet. I get through each day exhausted but my gal is happy. I'm hoping we can just keep moving like this and deal with problems as they come up

Pi.R^2 · 19-08-2016, 12:04 AM

Wow! Congratulations on having made so many positive changes and for being successfully with your application to become a foster carer. The girl you're looking after is so lucky to have you fostering her and I wish you both all the best.

I'm here if you want to talk about anything :)

LittleCloud · 19-08-2016, 03:50 PM

Thanks so much Jenna. We are working on it- I think that's the main thing. Recently something bought up a whole lot of feelings and I'm finding eating and anxiety a lot more of a struggle, but I'm not giving in. I talk to people. I'm reaching out. Tomorrow my gal and I go to see my family- I know she's nervous and I'm terrified. They can be so unpredictable with what they'll say and how they'll react

Pi.R^2 · 31-08-2016, 10:23 AM

How's it going with the fostering?

LittleCloud · 10-09-2016, 01:57 PM

It's been a bit scary and exhausting Jenna. Sorry for the late reply. I've been struggling to know where to write because a lot of the stuff going on has been pretty serious- not really general problems- but thankfully today things are looking a lot better. My gal had court just over a week ago (she was in court for an assault/slap on her mother who has a history of serious physical abuse of her kids; the court hearing didn't happen and things really boiled over. I was so thankful to the organisation supporting the foster placement as we were able to get respite. That evening after the court she ended up in casualty for suicidal ideation and I was really frightened for her the other day as I know she has been self-harming. I've been able to get her to trust me a little though and am encouraging her to keep wounds clean if she has to. It's been a massive struggle to get support from mental health and as she hasn't been in school she spends a lot of time on Facebook and it's mostly talking to boys and there's been problems with these boys from a local private school who are just passing her name around and she's so desperate to be liked... she will do a lot with boys she is only just meeting and then they tell and pass her name around. It is horrible and the boys are getting older and she's underage... I'm so glad that she opened up to me about self-harm last night and we talked a lot. She knows I am there to support her but I am quite tired and only just getting support. I don't really know where I or any of this belong because I've struggled so much getting started but I think considering I'm doing ok. Just

Pi.R^2 · 10-09-2016, 08:50 PM

Wow, sounds intense! You are being such a great support to her, well done you for making such a difference to her life :)

Eep, sorry we moved the thread- it seemed initially that it would be more suited to general but I can see know why you might have wanted it in serious- if you want it moved back there feel free to post report the thread and explain that you want to talk about more serious topics.

I hope she's managed to get some mental health support now and that that helps her with the self harm.

How are you coping with it all? What sort of support are you being offered?

LittleCloud · 11-09-2016, 12:56 AM

I don't know how to post report. So many days even in those earlier posts have been impossibly hard. I keep positive in how I say things- it's how I cope and always have coped.
They sent her home from hospital this morning- less than five hours later and all they really got out of her was kind of getting her to sleep for a few hours... the foster care org and I are very concerned for her safety and for that they are talking about breaking the placement but that won't solve anything in the long run for a kid who's been passed around since she was five and suffered all kinds of abuse

LittleCloud · 11-09-2016, 03:03 PM

Hey, sorry. I'm putting a new thread back in here because I don't know how to move my original one. I know I made the original one sound pretty positive and in lots of ways we are doing really well but I posted in here because I knew there would be a lot of hard stuff and the past few weeks have been terrifying, culminating in last night....
Last night S, my girl climbed out of her window. She sent me a facebook message saying "Mummy, I've been a little whore" then nothing. I opened the lock into her room because she wouldn't answer the door after I received the message and the window was open and she was gone...
I had to call the police... it wasn't my first choice because the police have such a horrible reputation dealing with foster care kids but I couldn't contact her and I was very afraid she might hurt herself after the message she sent. There has been a lot of self-harm but not too bad.... the police came and then went out to search. A friend came to sit with me. We heard S climb back in around 1am. I had found her gone at 10:30. I spoke with her and told her it wasn't on- she was quite sullen- noone likes being told off. I know that. I went to sit with my friend and we talked. The police were coming back to talk to S about the running away and I had called to see if they were still coming as it was 20mins later and near 2am. I heard screaming and my friend was in S's room trying to console her- she just turned so quick. S was on the phone to her mum begging to be taken back even though she has said she never will go back... I tried to talk to her- get her to put pjs on and asked if we should go to the hospital as this is in her mental health plan... things escalated and I called the ambulance and was on the phone to them and she tried to walk out the front door but I stood in front so she jumped the window in her socks and pjs (it was quite cold) and ran. The police and ambulance arrived just then. I told them the direction to go and they followed and I followed in the car as soon as they said they found her. She was on the ground sobbing.... none of us could reach her.... I tried to say that she needed to get up and into the ambulance or they would have to act to get her safe but she screamed at me to get away... they sedated her there on the ground... I wanted to cry as I watched.... they took her to hospital but she refused to talk to anyone... the psych nurse said they would keep her overnight... It was 3:30am when I left. I was called at 7:30 to go collect her. They never admitted her any further than emergency.... I told them how these outbursts (this is the third major one) have become more violent and that they are escalating quicker but they sent her home. She has slept all day- so have I. Pathfinders came to talk to her but we couldn't get her to say much. The worker says she is worried that S remembers nothing but that much at least I understand because I've lost so many bit of time when I've been so stressed or dissociated.... S is so upset and says she "really messed up" and that her welfare worker will be so disappointed. As far as doctors and I could get out she had been drinking while out last night and so that, the sedative and prozac which she is still getting used to would have left her feeling quite ill (which she was feeling today). Tomorrow the foster care org and her welfare worker will likely call and they are talking of maybe moving her but she doesn't want to go and I fear for her if they move her now... she still has to go to court against her mum and her brother said this is the most stable she has been in such a long time. I'm still new to foster care and learning all the time but I have worked out a lot by myself. When I've called mental health hotline the info they've given me has been next to nothing and I have been the one who has gone and bought antiseptic to clean her cuts and bandaids because that's what I know is needed. No official healthcare worker has told me that. Just like with a lot of the stuff I've helped S through with anxiety and when she opened up to me about feeling suicidal and trying to get any healthcare workers to listen when we say we need more support. It's just been me, S and the friends who are supporting us against the world and if I weren't so tired and numb I'd be terrified

bitomato · 11-09-2016, 03:30 PM

I think that you need to put your mental health needs first. Staying well and knowing when you need additional support is key.
Like with the situation with the boys at school it sounds like borderline bullying and sexual exploitation. What is the school guidance counselor like?
You said your family is unpredictable but can they be an extra pair of eyes if you are at work and your gal wants to take a day home?
I agree breaking the placement seems counterproductive but you need to be clear about what the foster people expect from you and what your gal may need. If it is serious support do they provide counseling. Does she need to go in patient. You can still support her. If you were your 14year old self when the ED manifested what additional support might have made your recovery journey better?

Uglyducklin · 11-09-2016, 05:20 PM

I'm sorry I don't have useful words but hugs to you both. Xx

LittleCloud · 13-09-2016, 02:23 PM

Thanks. Still no word of what will happen. S's moods range from quite happy and settled to anxious, angry and it's hard to get her to try any new activity. I wonder if it's sitting at the bottom of her mind is that we don't know if she will stay or go; or if we will get the support we need. We have been asking and asking and it's not all about 24hr awake care. It's about having basics available like the number of psychologist appointments we need per week; school and medication sorted... it's frustrating and I hope they let us start before we end

LittleCloud · 14-09-2016, 01:44 PM

Thanks Carmen. I do try to have a few things we do together or to spend time in the lounge so I am there if she wants to talk. Today started disastrously.
I get that she now says she hates being called by pet names; she hates the antidepressants she said she needed more of. She doesn't want anyone talking about her, or to talk about anything that does happen. I guess she just hates that she feels so much pain. I still don't know if they will move her but I feel that would undo any good. I met a few other people today who can support me- other foster carers but am still learning where I can reasonably enforce my rights also eg so that she is not on the phone all night and does her share of chores. I know that I'm still afraid she'll jump the window again. We so badly need to know what is happening but the organisation hasn't even spoken with her social worker due to foster care week and activities being on

Pi.R^2 · 18-09-2016, 01:30 AM

It all sounds very tricky and you are doing so well. I think Irène is very wise about it being potentially an emotional response to not being used to the care and consistency that you have offered.

How have things been over the past few days?

LittleCloud · 18-09-2016, 07:43 AM

Thanks Irene and Jenna.
Irene- I agree completely. I think she feels pretty safe here and that means also a safe place if she is angry because she knows I will forgive. I am just trying to be patient and consistent; show her that she is important, but also keep my own life going. We are working on getting more support with her psychologist and doctor but so far we are still working on getting things right.

Jenna- thanks for your kind words. Things are a bit calmer. S has just split up with her boyfriend this afternoon but seems ok. I asked her if she wanted to talk or for me to be around and generally just to let me know what I could do. She's just been in her room but seems fine. It's been a bit up and down this week and I think next will be worse with appointments and court coming up but I'm just going to do my best to stay positive

LittleCloud · 18-09-2016, 12:51 PM

Thanks Irene. I think life can be a bit bumpy. If that's the way with S so be it- I'll ride it with her. Tonight she cooked a lovely dinner- she wanted to- and things are going well but I'm well aware that with court coming up this week and case meetings that is likely to change. I'm still getting used to the pace and exhausted a lot.
Yeah, I think S doesn't quite know what to expect when she acts out. I just try to be consistent and with stuff like self-harm I try to have stuff available for first aid and say I'm there if she wants to talk and if she needs to get help just to tell me

Pi.R^2 · 18-09-2016, 01:36 PM

Glad to hear that things are going well! If you feel like it wouldn't be inappropriate, perhaps this would be a good opportunity to have a light conversation with her about things she think would help if she did reach a crisis point again, and get some input from her about what would best support her in those times?