Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - blocking it out *mentions COE, suicide, SI, SA, r*pe)

[discovery_journey]

I was ab*sed by my cousin when I was a child which I blocked out until memories came back to me when I was 17. I think I was 8 when I was SA'd.
Then when I was 24 there was an incident with a man. Again, my memory has blocked this out largely.

But the effects of thesse incidents has been huge in terms of my mental health and ability to form any sort of relationships.

I digress.

My point is... I think I've learnt to just block out what I've experienced.
I don't really acknoweledge that it has happened because I don't talk about it really.
In the summer I was in a relationship (my first relationship in ten years) and I did talk about it a bit and I had a sexual relationship with this man. Not a very successful one
But I was triggered VERY badly. It all came flooding back to me and I was s/harming, drinking to excess, compulsive eating, suicidal - it was like a car crash of emotions.
Anyhow... I got out of the relationship.
I have now blocked it out again.
I was going to try internet dating, but I can't let a man close to me - physically or emotionally
so I have just shut the door on that room and walked down the corridor alone (if you get my meaning)
I'm not sure if this is healthy??
But I'm scared of talking to my cpn about the SA and r*pe because I know she'll say 'haven't you already dealt with this in therapy?'
and she'd be right
I should have done
But I didn't because I couldn't talk about it
I wasn't ready to deal with it

I'm sorry for this waffling, irrelevant post
I guess I'm just confused
Don't know if blocking it out is right.. healthy... a way of coping.. showing that I am getting better

If anyone has any advice or insight I'd appreciate it.

thanks
x

[lozstar88]

hey hun ((((cuddles)))))

I don't have any good advice, I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know that I read and I care and that I also went through quite a similar experience (SA at 8 and r***ed at 17) and I too completely blocked it out...until the incident at 17 brought up the stuff at 8. I failed my first relationship I had and my SH/ED increased due to the memories and flashbacks that it brought up and have never tried again.

blocking it out (I have been told) is a way of your mind saying you are not ready to deal with it at the time, which is why it would have been extremely difficult to talk about in therapy, now that it is all coming up for you may be a good time to get it off your chest, if you feel up to it.

You deserve to be happy and be in a loving relationship (hugs). If your CPN is any good they should not say "havent you already dealt with this?" because that comment could be seriously damaging and SA is wayyyyyyyyy too complecated to just be sorted 'that' easily.

I wish you all the best hun, sorry for my useless post, just wanted you to know that you're not alone in the way you feel.

xxooxx

[discovery_journey]

it wasn't a useless post hon. Thanks so much for replying. I'm sorry you've been through similar.

I saw my cpn yesterday but couldn't talk to her about it all because she brought a male student nurse with her and I didn't feel comfortable talking about it all in front of him.

Tbh, I don't really feel comfortable talking to her about it either.

I think I've just locked it away in a cupboard again. Maybe I'll never talk about it. I dunno.

I think services have given up on me anyway. am a lost cause i think.

[bobbiwibble]

maybe you could write it out and give it to your cpn next time, it was just bad luck that there was a male in the room.

you are not a lost cause *offers hugs* you deserve to be happy and comfortable