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Old 14-11-2016, 09:41 PM   #1
Kleiner Angsthase
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Contains abuse - Struggling just a tad.

I feel really bad for asking but I could do with some support or even just hugs.

It's been just over two years since I left my ex, and I still feel unsafe and bad and scared and lots of unpleasant feelings generally. And I don't know how to make it stop or go away. I feel like it shouldn't still be affecting me because it wasn't that bad. I don't know if I'm even allowed to post this in A/B because surely it didn't even qualify as abuse? And I just need to man up?

Yesterday night I ended up remembering more bad stuff so now I can't feel safe in my own bed and I'm sleeping on the floor. And it just feels a little bit ridiculous, but I don't know how to make it better.

I've had no professional input around this stuff, and I don't know how to ask for that or if I even deserve it. It's not like I can speak out loud about any of the bad things anyway so I don't know if talking to a professional would even be possible.

I do have a care-coordinator who I get on with well, is she an appropriate person to talk to about things? I think she is vaguely aware that I'm frightened of my ex, but we've never spoken in depth about it.

But for all I know it's all lies anyway, and I hurt him far worse by leaving, and it's all my fault and I'm bad.

I have no idea where I'm trying to go with this thread. Sorry. I'm a bit scrambled right now and I don't usually post threads so I have no idea what I'm doing. Sorry.



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Old 14-11-2016, 09:54 PM   #2
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First off you appear to have negotiated the thread-making situation successfully so don't be worrying about that! It's definitely OK to post here, because sadly what he did did indeed count as abuse.

Actually more firstly (that's a thing right?), THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. (Shouty caps because it's very very very true, not because I'm cross with you btw.) Getting broken up with hurts, of course it does, but even if there was no abuse no one should ever feel obliged to stay with someone when they're unhappy in order to not upset them right? And the fact that he was hurting you makes it imperative that you leave him, let alone simply advisable, as would be the case if he just wasn't making you happy anymore. No one deserves to be hurt. No one 'makes' anyone hurt them.

There is no time frame for being able to move forward from this kind of stuff and whilst it's not good that what he did is still hurting you, it's not wrong. I think professional help would be a good avenue to explore, as it could be the key to helping you work through this. Your care-coordinator would be a great person to talk to about this, because even if she's not in a position to give you the help you need for it, she'd be able to signpost you towards people who could.

Do you want to talk about the things that you remembered? Perhaps changing things about your bed (moving it along the wall, putting the pillows at the other end, adding some new stuffed animals or bedding) would help it feel different and less unsafe?

Thinking of you.



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Old 14-11-2016, 11:00 PM   #3
Kleiner Angsthase
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Thank you for the reply <3

"More firstly" should be a thing if it isn't already! I agree that people should never have to stay with someone when they're unhappy in order to not upset them, but I find it hard to apply that to myself. And I definitely deserved it for being bad and acting up. But then no one else would deserve the things if they were in my position. It's confusing. I don't know.

Okay, that makes sense. It just feels like the things that happened weren't bad enough to warrant actual years of woe. How do I bring it up with my care-coordinator? I don't really know how to spontaneously say srs bsns things with professionals, I just answer questions and if I get lucky one of the questions is "is there anything else you want to mention?".

I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about the things I remembered, as the blame falls pretty squarely with me for them and it's really distressing. I can't move my bed in this place as there's literally not enough room, but I will have a think about getting new bedding and switching the pillows to the other end, those are probably do-able. I can't wait until I can move out of this flat and be somewhere safer without all the memories attached to everything.



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Old 17-11-2016, 06:37 PM   #4
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I'm glad you can see that logically people don't deserve to be hurt, though of course it's a shame that you can't always apply that to yourself! What is it that makes you different so that you don't deserve the same basic freedoms and right to be safe as other people would in your position?

Well I guess hope that your care coordinator asks if there's anything else you want to mention then! If not and raising the srs bsns feels a bit much, could you instead raise that sometimes you struggle to raise things, so would really appreciate it if they try to make a habit of asking you if there's anything else you want to talk about? Then you would have the opportunity to talk about it and I know it feels easier when you are asked first!!

In other situations I don't think you would argue that the blame falls squarely with the victim so I hope that you can try to challenge that thought a bit. We're here if you do want to talk about it at any point. Moving out of the flat sounds like it'll be really positive for you! In the meantime I hope some little changes will help a bit (also no idea why I suggested moving the bed as I'm fully aware that there's nowhere else it can go!).



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Old 17-11-2016, 08:59 PM   #5
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Because other people are good and I feel inherently bad? But then a lot of that sense of badness comes from being told my bad behaviour required the scary stuff to make things better, so it's a little circular I guess?

I managed to raise it myself :D Well, we were meant to be going to the Cats Protection shop to sort out voluntary work, and when we met up I just said I didn't want to go to the cat shop, so that lead to a line of questioning where I could explain what's going on. L is going to ask someone about whether counselling or therapy would be more appropriate, so we can plan a course of action.

I don't know. It feels like these two particular events were wholly my fault, like I can argue a little bit with the other things that happened to me not actually being my fault, but I don't know this time. I don't know what I would think if it were someone else.

Moving out is going to take some time as the council is out of money for supported housing right now, but at least knowing that it's going to happen eventually helps.

And re: bed stuff, TR is going to take me to IKEA next Wednesday for new bedding and I'm dossing around at his for most of the interim period. So that's good.



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Old 20-11-2016, 05:15 PM   #6
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Sorry for double posting but I got back from TR's last night and I'm not doing so well on my own. I just feel constantly disgusted, and kind of detached, and I don't feel able to get anything done other than just sitting around. And I'm frustrated that I'm still sleeping on the floor because it really wasn't that bad so why am I having such a visceral reaction?

And even though I know talking with someone might make things a bit better somehow, I'm really scared about actually doing it. Because then I have to actively remember stuff, and be really vulnerable in front of someone else, and also because I'm scared he'll somehow find out and come track me down to have a go at me, as I'm not meant to talk about him like that.

I don't know.



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Old 26-11-2016, 05:25 PM   #7
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I'm so glad that you managed to raise it yourself, well done! I can appreciate that talking about it will feel scary but hopefully it will be really worth it. Also confidentiality means that there's no way that he could find out about you having spoken about it.

Did you get new bedding and did it help? Maybe looking into grounding strategies would help with feeling detached.

That phrase "I'm not meant to talk about him like that"- does that not ring alarm bells with you? If it was your fault and his reaction wasn't that bad and was justified then why would he mind you telling other about it?



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Old 26-11-2016, 05:48 PM   #8
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L spoke with someone in Psychology and they decided that I don't need therapeutic support around it and I should just treat it as a "learning experience" about what I do and don't want from relationships. To be fair I didn't go into massive depth with L about the Bad Things, but now I just feel like I shouldn't be distressed and I'm just being pathetic.

Yep, I got new bedding and I'm sleeping in bed again which is an A++ outcome :) I still get a vague icky feeling but it's not the full-on repulsion I was having before so it's manageable. And I shall look into grounding strategies, thanks!

Well, I mean, when you say it like that, it does kinda ring alarm bells. So I don't know.



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Old 29-11-2016, 08:49 PM   #9
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What the fuck, that's bs, it's not a 'learning experience'. I'm so sorry they were so dismissive and that that's made you feel like you shouldn't be distressed. I know it probably feels like the last thing you want to do, but how about trying to explain in more depth the Bad Things to L, so that she's aware of the extent of what happened?

Hooray for an A++ outcome! I hope you find grounding strategies helpful :)

I'm glad me putting it like that has challenged your thinking at least a bit. None of what he did was OK.

This is a random suggestion, but would it perhaps be helpful to write him a letter outlining how he has made you feel etc? Not for sending, but just to give you an opportunity to get it all out?



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