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Old 22-10-2019, 04:31 PM   #1
[Luna]
 
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Forcing myself to keep going

Things are not good and I feel completely empty.
I donít want to eat, Iím struggling to sleep, I have no interest in anything.
I just feel like Iím going through the motions.
I just feel like something has given up. I donít want to be here. It all just hurts.
Iíve been a hurting myself nearly everyday for about two weeks. I think about self harming constantly. I do it whenever I have a chance to be alone. I donít really want to stop.

The thing is, I have to keep going. My children need me to keep going.
My family (wife, mum, brother, extended family) are all really struggling right now and they need me to be ok.
So Iím forcing myself through life. Pretending that Iím ok but Iím not.
I donít want to do it anymore but I have to and I feel really trapped.

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Old 22-10-2019, 06:26 PM   #2
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Words are a bit difficult right now but wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I hope your pain eases <3



If I only could
make a deal with God.




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Old 22-10-2019, 08:35 PM   #3
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Sorry if this is dumb, but if your family is all struggling with current events, would it be possible for you to let some of your guard down and allow them to support you with your own struggles as well? I would imagine they'd be understanding given all you have been going through.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 22-10-2019, 09:29 PM   #4
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Thank you both.
I don’t really feel comfortable talking to my mum or brother at the moment.
I’m going to try and talk to my counsellor tomorrow but I’m worried.
Urgh I feel so conflicted.

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Old 23-10-2019, 11:22 AM   #5
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Feeling very anxious today.
Have counselling at 4pm. I have so much to say but so scared to say it.

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Old 23-10-2019, 01:35 PM   #6
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Is writing things down to take with you an option? I hope you can talk to them, it sounds like you could use someone to support you.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 23-10-2019, 04:53 PM   #7
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I hope you manage to talk things through with your counsellor. It might be scary but it's obviously really painful while you're keeping things inside.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-10-2019, 06:55 PM   #8
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I did manage to talk to my counsellor. It was really bloody hard.
I don’t know how I feel right now except ashamed and I want to cut.
My counsellor was so lovely and supportive, she helped me to tell my wife about the self harm. I want to disappear. I don’t deserve kindness. I deserve pain and punishment.

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Old 23-10-2019, 07:02 PM   #9
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I'm really glad you were able to talk to them both. That must have been really hard. Was your wife supportive as well?

Why don't you think you deserve the same kindness that you show to everyone else?



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This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 23-10-2019, 07:51 PM   #10
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I have evil inside of me that causes nothing but destruction and suffering.

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Old 24-10-2019, 11:43 AM   #11
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I feel so horribly empty all the time.
I just want to hide away and self destruct. I’m so tired of fighting.

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Old 24-10-2019, 02:37 PM   #12
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I'm sorry you continue to feel so bad, well done for managing to talk to your counsellor. Did she suggest anything that might be helpful? I don't think you have evil inside of you at all but I know how easy it is to judge yourself negatively. Does anything lift the empty feelings? I think that sometimes people don't understand that emptiness can be just as painful as a huge emotion, because it doesn't seem to make sense to them, but I can relate. What would you like to replace the emptiness with? I know it's hard to be in a continual fight, but I do think it would be harder if you gave up because then eventually you'd have a bigger fight on your hands.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-10-2019, 03:54 PM   #13
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The emptiness is really painful. I don’t know how that makes sense? Thank you for understanding.
My counsellor helped me to tell my wife about the self-harming. She was talking about making baby steps. I don’t know. Everything feels like a huge effort.
I feel awful and I don’t know what to say or do. I don’t really have the energy or desire to say or do anything. It feels too much.

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Old 24-10-2019, 06:45 PM   #14
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It can feel like a huge effort, even what other people think are baby steps. Are there any ways that baby steps can be further broken down? It's ok not to know what to say or do, there isn't really a rule for what you should be saying or doing. If you took away the want to hide away and self destruct, what might you want instead? Or is there a way to partially have what you want and take some time away from people/take some time away from your mind if you can focus on an activity?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-10-2019, 01:17 PM   #15
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I’m struggling to think. All my thoughts are really slowed down and My head feels foggy.
I can’t focus.
I hate this.

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Old 25-10-2019, 01:55 PM   #16
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How are you getting through your days? What are you doing with them?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-10-2019, 03:24 PM   #17
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A lot of time is spent looking after my son.
I’ve recently got offered a job which I should start soon so have been getting things sorted for that.
For the few days anything more than the bare minimum has felt impossible. I’m struggling to function. I don’t know how to do it.

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Old 25-10-2019, 04:43 PM   #18
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It does sound mentally and physically exhausting. You're doing what you can and that is absolutely amazing. Do you think you'll be able to manage the job? If not could you see your GP and see about getting a sick note?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-10-2019, 06:58 PM   #19
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Tbh I don’t know if I’m well enough to work but I need to do something so I’m not a pointless burden to everyone. We’ll see.

A lady from the CMHT phoned this afternoon to tell me they received the referral from my GP. She gave me the number of crisis line and Samaritans. I have an assessment with them in November. I feel like a failure to go back.

My mum keeps phoning and I’m avoiding her. I can’t deal with her at the moment which sounds harsh. I have to talk to her though to arrange Sunday. It’s my dads birthday and I’m absolutely dreading it. I have a trauma anniversary two days after that. I’m struggling to coordinate my thoughts.

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Old 25-10-2019, 07:24 PM   #20
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I'm sure other people don't see you as a pointless burden, I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself. It's also not a failure to need support from the CMHT again, you've been through a lot and MH problems can make things extra difficult through no fault of your own. I hope they can offer you whatever support you need.

I don't think it sounds harsh to feel like you can't deal with your Mum at the moment. Can anyone speak to her on your behalf? Does she know anything at all about how awful you're feeling?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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