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Old 30-09-2019, 06:37 PM   #1701
Soft Kitty
 
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Would it help to talk more here about what's going on? You sound distressed at the moment.

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Old 30-09-2019, 06:43 PM   #1702
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I hope your appointment tomorrow goes well.



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Old 30-09-2019, 06:44 PM   #1703
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Thank you both.

I'm failing at everything. I'm finding everything difficult. I'm not going to get my pain across to my CPN tomorrow. Everything is absolutely hopeless. I need some help but I don't know what. This would maybe be time for a short admission but I don't know if there is still a bed crisis or what and I'm definitely not going to suggest it, if it is needed then someone else will suggest it. I don't want to be admitted anyway, unless it was clearly going to help.

Someone is setting off fireworks when it's still daylight. They might be trying to get everyone used to the bangs so some time later they can shoot me and no one would know. I can hear people creeping around the house both inside and outside. Someone could have hired a hitman, I wouldn't be surprised. I am evil.

I need to find a way to help my CPN hear my distress. I can never communicate anything accurately.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 30-09-2019, 06:50 PM   #1704
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Maybe look back over this thread and copy out the relevant parts. Then you can read them out or hand over the paper



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Old 30-09-2019, 06:57 PM   #1705
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I agree with tam, you write expressively even though i know it won't come close to communicating the actual pain, it's worth writing down relevant bits from this thread as pointers to use if you get stuck trying to get things across.

I know this is a question I always hate, so apologies for it - are you still managing to take the medication?

I wonder if there's a code word or signal your CPN and you could come up with, so that instead of you having to ask for a hospital admission, which I think most of us would struggle with, it would let your CPN know you've reached your absolute limit and need more help imminently and would hopefully help her know that you need your crisis plan implementing.

I'm not sure if that's something that would feel manageable now that you're actually having to struggle with a crisis, but I thought I'd might be worth exploring in the future.

Instead of asking for a hospital admission, given that you wouldn't feel able, could you be direct enough with your CPN to say that you've reached absolute breaking point and have serious concerns about your safety? Although I couldn't guarantee it, I would hope that would be succinct enough to communicate where you're at and let your CPN know she needs to act?

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Old 01-10-2019, 05:14 PM   #1706
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Thanks.

Yeah I'm still taking my meds. There is supposedly going to be a bed for me in hospital on Friday. I'm not trusting that will actually happen after what happened that last time but it's probably fine if I don't end up in hospital anyway. One of the options my CPN gave me was to be discharged from the CMHT so I'm obviously fine. I know that she was probably just giving me every single option that was available to me but it still feels kind of sad that I'd be allowed to be discharged while things are this difficult. I don't know if hospital will help, I'm allowed to leave when I want if it's not helping and I should be in for about a week if I do decide it's useful.

I'm worried about my cats only getting one visit a day. I'm also worried about telling my brother. He's going on a trip on Friday so I'd rather tell him when he gets back after the weekend but if he texts me when he's away and asks what I've been up to or something then it might be hard to lie. Plus then he might not trust me ever in the future when I say I'm not in hospital because he might think I'm trying to protect him again. Everything is always so complicated. Hospital won't make things better long term, nothing will and I'm so tired of just trying to get on with things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-10-2019, 07:55 PM   #1707
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And now it feels impossible to hold on for these next days. Friday is too far away and I might not even be admitted. As with the last time I am not a priority.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 01-10-2019, 07:59 PM   #1708
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Can you organise activities to keep distracted until your admission? Could you check in with your team every day?



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Old 01-10-2019, 08:01 PM   #1709
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I've got some things to do, it's just that the days are hard to fill as it is but it seems extra long when I'm actually waiting for something. I don't think people want to hear from me daily, only if I'm at a crisis point and I don't know if I'd be able to phone anyone anyway.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-10-2019, 04:42 PM   #1710
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I want life to stop. I need everything to stop. Things are so confusing and unreal but too real at the same time. I'm trying to focus on getting to Friday but a big part of me thinks someone else will end up getting the bed anyway. I don't even know if hospital will help but it has in the past and I'm willing to give it a go because I am so at the end of my rope.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-10-2019, 05:05 PM   #1711
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I can understand why you feel unsure about the bed situation on Friday, as you've been let down before. But please try and take Friday as it comes, as the bed may well be available and may help.

What sorts of things do you think you could do (or not do) to help you get through until then? I think it's important not to put too much pressure on yourself but to keep yourself alive, and if that means just settling down on the sofa with some comforting things to do, then that's okay.

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Old 02-10-2019, 05:08 PM   #1712
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Thanks. My CPN asked the ward if she could book the bed and they said no but that it would definitely be kept for me. I'm probably a fraud though, I don't really need the bed.

I've been using white noise a lot because that makes it a bit easier to focus on things. My CPN asked me to go to the gym group tomorrow and just sit in the cafe so I will try and do that.

Edit: I'm feeling slightly calmer about the cat stuff anyway because I think I'll be able to afford to get the pet sitter to visit twice a day. I just need to hope my neighbours will be about to give her the key since I don't want her coming to collect it specially because she did that the last time and then I didn't even need her and she had to make another journey to get the key back to me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-10-2019, 05:36 PM   #1713
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That's really good you're feeling calmer about your cats, and a good plan to go to the gym group. I hope the next day or so passes quickly.

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Old 02-10-2019, 05:51 PM   #1714
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I've been reading and I care. I don't really know what to say generally but in terms of your key, would you be able to purchase a lock box? I have one for when I need someone to be able to come into my house and I'm not home (typically for my dog but not always) and that way I don't have to worry about keys getting to the proper people etc, I just attach it to the knob and send the code. Something like THIS though obviously this is a US link (sorry) and prices do vary quite a bit so there are cheaper ones as well. It's made me worry a lot less, aside from the time I forgot to put the lock box itself out

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Old 02-10-2019, 07:21 PM   #1715
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Thank you both.

The lock box is a very good idea, thanks a lot. I thought they were all wall mounted and didn't think about just leaving it hidden somewhere when needed so that's helpful. Luckily I have a free trial of Prime at the moment so can get it delivered tomorrow.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-10-2019, 11:23 AM   #1716
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I don't know how to do life, I'm sick of continuing with this struggle. I really wish someone would just delete me. Nothing is ever going to help. I'm trapped with this pain.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 03-10-2019, 08:27 PM   #1717
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Nothing is real but everything is real and everything is weird. I cut myself but??? I don't know what's going on. There is a kind of calmer feeling because there is a plan for hospital but it's not going to help long term and it will be a horrible experience too since hospital is not a nice place to be. The plan might fall through anyway. I'm worried too about how the other world stuff will affect people on the ward because it's bound to follow me there. The men etc wouldn't give me peace just because I have changed environment.

And it's pouring with rain right now. I'm supposed to go out in it to absorb it but people are on the football pitch. Maybe they won't see me. I don't know what the answer to anything is. What am I supposed to be doing?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-10-2019, 10:50 AM   #1718
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I don't want to go into hospital and I don't want to stay at home, I just don't want to be alive full stop. If there is actually a bed for me today and hospital is somewhat useful it will still only be a very brief and temporary ok period and then things will fall apart again. Where is the easy exit from life?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 05-10-2019, 10:28 AM   #1719
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Hopefully hospital would improve things in the short term, and put things in place for the long term



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Old 05-10-2019, 06:14 PM   #1720
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_step_closer View Post
If there is actually a bed for me today and hospital is somewhat useful it will still only be a very brief and temporary ok period and then things will fall apart again.
Not necessarily. Things can and do get better for the long term. Maybe not straight away and maybe there will still be bad periods, but they can become less bad and less frequent and life can on the whole feel worth living.

Is there any news about your potential admission?



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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