Intense emotional pain - Page 79

tamobhuuta · 26-08-2019, 08:57 PM

I hear you. How has the rest of the day been?

Koala hugs · 26-08-2019, 10:26 PM

Hey I'm rubbish with words and support but I want u to know that ur not alone and that. Hang on in there see what cpn says tomorrow I get that u feel suicidal and that that's a really tough thing to be dealing with particularly when the urges are feeling urgent take it fifteen minutes at a time I would or ten or even five whatever you feel u can manage as a chunk of time and hang on for five mins then another five if you have any prn medication like a kind of extra thing to take to keep you calm mayb take that and there's this new text service in the UK (dunno where u live but sure there's some for other country's too) where u can text for support and u hear back within five mins with the UK one its called shout and u just text the word shout to 85258 I haven't tried them personally but they might be able to help they will message as long as u need I think and I remember u saying on here u do not feel comfortable with phone calls so mayb this text service cud b an option take care and hope you feel better soon

Koala hugs · 26-08-2019, 10:45 PM

Also check out the video on YouTube titled suicidal? Letter of hope it helps sometimes its written by people in devon but the message is universal

one_step_closer · 27-08-2019, 03:09 PM

Thank you both.

I didn't seem to get across to my CPN how awful things are. I could feel the huge emotional pain in every place inside my body but it would only come out in 'things are awful and I want to die.' I say this sort of thing a lot so it doesn't convey anything, I am really hurting. I wanted my CPN to properly hear me but she just heard the words I have said many times. It's hard to be in such agony but not have it perceived. I don't know of other ways to explain things. My CPN is also fine with the self harming I'm doing just now because although it's more frequent it's a less damaging method than I have used in the past. I made myself look really pathetic and ridiculous when I was trying to explain the whole thing about not being able to focus in the evening because I said about panicking when I can't focus on TV and it was like I was making a big deal out of not paying full attention to my regular TV shows.

Last night I considered not taking the Arpiprazole today because it is dangerous for me not to have communication from the men since I can't protect people when I know nothing. I did take it this morning though. I ended up dropping it, I didn't drop any of my other meds, and it took a bit of time to find it so maybe that was a sign that I shouldn't have taken it. I said to my CPN that I will keep taking it for now. I'm not really sure if I should though, it's not changing things significantly enough to justify the risks to others. My CPN has said I don't need to take the med if I don't want to so it can't be important from a professional/medical perspective. I can cope ok with the messages and doing things to protect people, and it's fine if it does distress me because that's what I'm here for. I can deal with life with the men and the other world, it's my brother's pain that I can't deal with and the worry about future pressures and the suicidal pain.

one_step_closer · 28-08-2019, 03:42 PM

I keep panicking because I can't follow my routine as exactly as I usually do. I keep panicking when I have to decide what I can focus on and then think about the other things I could be doing. I keep panicking at all the options. I keep panicking about wasting time. I keep panicking because life won't always be this 'easy.' I'm really suicidal. I bought some stuff to overdose on today but I don't have enough yet. Will I ever buy more to have enough? I'm always stopping myself.

There were people in the loft last night. It was when I was half asleep so I'm trying to tell myself it could have just been sleep weirdness.

Trapped in life.

one_step_closer · 28-08-2019, 03:59 PM

I can't think of life things that will make this better. I need the strength to kill myself.

I can't do this any more. This is pointless torture.

Shit.

one_step_closer · 28-08-2019, 06:54 PM

The suicide counselling service thing I emailed on the 26th of July never got back to me. I tried to email them directly using their contact form today but it wouldn't let me submit the message.

The informal crisis team aren't answering the phone. But I'd hang up anyway.

The CMHT crisis team have finished for the day.

I wish I had bought more stuff to overdose on.

Koala hugs · 28-08-2019, 07:05 PM

Big hugs

EyelinerAndCigarettes · 28-08-2019, 07:25 PM

I'm so sorry they never got back to you, is there any other way you can contact them? I know phone calls are very difficult for you but I'm just wondering if there's some other way like a direct email address?

It's very brave of you to reach out to the crisis team, I'm dissapointed for you that they didn't answer the call but even trying to call is something to be proud of - I'm proud of you.

You mentioned 'more stuff' to overdose on? Have you already taken an OD? Do you need medical attention?

Koala hugs · 28-08-2019, 08:20 PM

Are you safe one step closer

tamobhuuta · 29-08-2019, 10:01 AM

I'm glad you don't have more stuff to od on. You deserve to be safe and supported.

one_step_closer · 29-08-2019, 10:25 AM

Thanks everyone.

E&C the way I initially contacted the suicide counselling place was through a direct email address and they didn't get back to me. There is a phone number but I don't think I'll phone.

I didn't take anything since I didn't have enough to actually result in a proper overdose.

I spoke to someone on Breathing Space web chat. They kept wanting to get NHS 24 to phone me. I said I'd phone my CPN today but now that today has come I don't think I will because she really can't do anything to help. No one can.

Here goes another day. :(

Koala hugs · 29-08-2019, 12:07 PM

Hey can u email ur cpn? Just a thought. I'm sure she would be glad to hear from you and sorry that ur going thru such a tough time mayb u could send her a letter if you wanted too you could mayb post it thru the letterbox of the building ur cpn is based at that way u save on a stamp and you know she will get it that day. Please take care and I'm so glad you reached out for help

one_step_closer · 29-08-2019, 12:33 PM

Thanks. I can't email my CPN and if I was going to write and hand it in I'd be as well talking to her in person. The only way I can really contact my CPN is over the phone.

I'm so hugely anxious. I'm avoiding the gym group, and the avoidance is also making me anxious. I wish it was easier to reach out to people. I feel completely stupid and useless and I need to die. I don't know what I'm supposed to do any more.

Koala hugs · 29-08-2019, 02:31 PM

OK. You re not stupid or useless I think ur awesome shame u can't get cpn s work email though. I don't have any answers or suggestions but please hang on in there

one_step_closer · 30-08-2019, 04:13 PM

Thanks.

I tried a way to unblock the communication channels quickly because it might take time for communication to come back just with stopping the meds, which I haven't actually stopped yet. It didn't work. It was a sort of method of self harm that really should have worked but didn't get very far. I get everything wrong.

I'm feeling very alone. Wanting to reach out to someone but don't know who and I don't want a big fuss that people usually create if I phone NHS 24 or something. I know the Breathing Space lady the other night let me say no to NHS 24 or some other kind of help but it did kind of feel like it was pointless for me to have said no to further help. I don't know what to do. My CPN is going to be on holiday for 2 weeks now so I can't get in touch with her.

I'm completely sick of myself.

one_step_closer · 30-08-2019, 06:40 PM

The rain has opened one of the entrances to the other world.

And I'm just so tired.

Koala hugs · 30-08-2019, 07:01 PM

Do u need medical attention for your self harm. Would you be comfortable with texting a crisis service there's one called shout its UK based the number is 85258 and you just text the word shout for the first text. Or u can email samaritans or text papyrus

one_step_closer · 31-08-2019, 02:29 PM

Thanks.

No I don't need medical attention, my self harming is always pathetic. The Samaritans don't reply to my emails any more and Shout feels kind of risky since they have your number and might contact emergency services. I'd probably be more likely to use Breathing Space web chat again but it's hard. My previous key worker does shifts with the informal crisis team some weekends and I was thinking about trying to phone to see if she's there this weekend but haven't managed to yet. I'm ok-ish so far today anyway, I think.

Koala hugs · 31-08-2019, 05:22 PM

No amount of self harm is pathetic not to me as there can be an enormous amount of pain behind on "pathetic" injury or less emotional pain but a more severe injury please don't beat urself up for the injury u have not being bad enough I asuure u regardless of how bad or whatever u feel the injury s are you are still worthy of help and support whether you feel u r or not. Try breathing space again if u need to and I'm glad today is going OK ish for u