My help is the source of my pain....
The short version: the person trying to be my shoulder to cry on and help with my recent breakdown is actually the source of my pain and I donít know how to to tell her or if I should tell.
Longer Version: Iíve got some very deep feelings for a woman. We met about a year ago and started getting to know each other a few months. There was an obvious connection between us and I grew more and more infatuated with her every time we talked. Just over a month ago I realized I wanted to play a bigger role in her life. I wanted to date. I was crazy about her!
The problem? We were just getting ready to begin a seasonal Halloween job in which she would be somewhat of a subordinate of mine. I thought it would be slightly inappropriate to begin a relationship under those circumstances. The good news being the job would inherently end after Halloween.
However, it turns out I wasnít the only guy she was spending time with (nothing wrong with that). My heart dropped when I saw them kissing two days ago and last night when their relationship became official I had a major breakdown. I started doing shots of vodka. Then I posted on Facebook about how I should never have hope nor faith and how Iím a complete failure for not ďpulling the triggerĒ when I shouldíve.
She happened to be the first person to see my post and messaged me in a worried state. She told me how much she appreciates me and that she wanted to be there for me to help with whateverís going on. I assured her she didnít need to worry and deleted the Facebook post. I eased her worry by telling her that my reference to pulling the trigger was not a reference to a gun or suicide but rather my failure to pull the trigger on an opportunity. Of course, I failed to mention that the opportunity I was referring to was dating her. I told her I was safe but not ready to talk about what was really bothering me. I promised her that I would definitely talk to her about it in the near future. The question now is, where do I go? What do I do? Do I tell her she is the source of my pain? Do I confess my true feelings for her? Obviously, there is a small part of me that holds onto a glimmer of tiny hope that something good will come of my confessing my feelings. Or should I just leave her in the dark and tell her everythingís all right? Iím not sure Iím ready to tell her the truth ..... but she deserves to know since sheís there for me .