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Old 26-09-2019, 01:26 AM   #1
ruby2011
 
Join Date: Jun 2019
Is it bad to be extra nice to people?

I'm nice to everyone, but I'm extra nice to very few people. It's those few people who gets mad at me and start hurting me, not everyone else. It doesn't make any sense. Like when I looked up to my supervisor at Arby's, it ended badly. And now, I'm especially nice to a manager at my current job and he's starting to behave like the Arby's person.

Thing is, people who initially liked me eventually stopped and the reason is always bc I'm extra nice to them. They walk out on me suddenly and start hurting me. The 2 people mentioned here are prime examples. How come other people can look up to someone or be nice AF to them but I can't?

My current supervisor recently started ignoring me, just like that Arby's supervisor did. Both used to like me. idk they accused me of being a creep or w/e.

"You're a creep."
"If you weren't so in love with him..."
"Are you massively in love with him?"
"What's up with your obsession with him?"
"You have a crush on him."

Said to me by multiple coworkers multiple times over the past several months. Reminds me of Arby's. BTW, other ppl looked up to the Arby's supervisor and it was appreciated.

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Old 26-09-2019, 04:05 AM   #2
not_so_insig
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The thing is when you start (this is under your dark angel account) looking up to people things go wrong for you. You mentioned previously you were in therapy. This is something that you need to work on in therapy sessions as due to your previous mention of asperger's means that you have taken things too far in the past and you need to learn appropriate work related behaviour. Due to your asperger's you miss social cues and it sounds like (due to the fact that you are being called a creep) you are on the road to taking things too far.

I suggest that you go through your previous posts as dark angel as they were full of good advice.


Last edited by not_so_insig : 26-09-2019 at 04:12 AM.


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Old 26-09-2019, 06:25 AM   #3
ruby2011
 
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All I know is people I was extra nice to suddenly stop liking me and start hurting me.

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Old 26-09-2019, 11:09 AM   #4
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Because without realising it you are pushing the boundaries between workmates and friendship too far and making people feel uncomfortable. You have to start to learn to read when people are not ok with your actions. And in turn that will stop you from getting hurt too. I'm not sure how that can be done exactly but you do need some input to help you with this. I'm not sure we're the right people here.

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Old 26-09-2019, 01:23 PM   #5
not_so_insig
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Nonperson is right. Until you learn appropriate work related behaviour this is going to happen time and time again. A therapist is your best bet in helping you. We cannot teach you since a) we dont know you irl so am not best placed to know what you do or dont do and b) we are not experts especially in autism.

Have you tried an autism specific charity or forum? They may help you better than we can because they have more expertise than us.



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Old 26-09-2019, 02:15 PM   #6
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I have found this blog post. I suggest that you read it because it sounds like it could be useful for you.

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/1...less-annoying/



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"I hear those voices that will not be drowned"
Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
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Old 26-09-2019, 05:29 PM   #7
Auror.
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If you are not good with reading people, that is okay! You can always explain that and ask them to tell you when you have done something inappropriate. I usually ask people if they are mad at me or upset with me and to explain why, since I am not good with knowing the kinds of things you are describing about boundaries. I sometimes also mention up front that I need specific boundaries and rules, because that helps me to understand better what is appropriate and what is not. If it is something you struggle to understand, it is absolutely okay to ask people to clarify what is okay and what is not. Just keep in mind what is okay with one person might not be okay with another person, so that's why asking in each specific situation is important. For example, what is okay in a work situation is often different than what is okay with friends, or with a doctor. So that is why it is really important to find out the rules for each type of situation. I bet if you were up front about not understanding what the boundaries and rules are, people would be willing to explain and be more up front about letting you know if things went too far. Especially once they realised you had good intentions and just legitimately did not know it was wrong.

edit to add: If things around your supervisor have changed, maybe you could ask for a meeting with them. You could explain that you are not always good with boundaries, and to ask them for rules about how to interact and what is appropriate. That way they would understand that if you did something wrong, it was not intentional, and you are wanting to make sure things are okay.


Last edited by Auror. : 26-09-2019 at 05:35 PM.


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Old 27-11-2019, 07:37 PM   #8
LRgrad15
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby2011 View Post
I'm nice to everyone, but I'm extra nice to very few people. It's those few people who gets mad at me and start hurting me, not everyone else. It doesn't make any sense. Like when I looked up to my supervisor at Arby's, it ended badly. And now, I'm especially nice to a manager at my current job and he's starting to behave like the Arby's person.

Thing is, people who initially liked me eventually stopped and the reason is always bc I'm extra nice to them. They walk out on me suddenly and start hurting me. The 2 people mentioned here are prime examples. How come other people can look up to someone or be nice AF to them but I can't?

My current supervisor recently started ignoring me, just like that Arby's supervisor did. Both used to like me. idk they accused me of being a creep or w/e.

"You're a creep."
"If you weren't so in love with him..."
"Are you massively in love with him?"
"What's up with your obsession with him?"
"You have a crush on him."

Said to me by multiple coworkers multiple times over the past several months. Reminds me of Arby's. BTW, other ppl looked up to the Arby's supervisor and it was appreciated.
You have posted stuff like this on multiple internet sites like this one under multiple accounts. But the responses will always be the same. You are taking it way too far with the select few people you mentioned. The reason other people are appreciated is because they don't take it too far. I find it off putting when someone is so nice to me that it either comes off as creepy or fake. There's a fine line between genuine politeness and downright obsession. Also there is a difference between a polite professional acquaintanceship between coworkers and managers, and true friendship.

They don't see you as a friend, just as someone to work with. Please take the advice from other users. All of them are right, you are taking it way too far and that's why Arby's fired you. In fact, they are actually being very polite to you. I personally know some people, both present and past, that would have called the police on you and had a restraining order or worse against you by now. I know it sounds harsh, but it's true. You have to respect other people's boundaries. Especially at work. Most people are at work to do just that, work. Not form friendships.

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Old 28-11-2019, 01:31 AM   #9
not_so_insig
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This has been said in other forums but it needs repeating for those of you who havent read them: a supervisor is not there to be your friend. If they have found to have had an inappropriate relationship with you they will be fired. I doubt that anyone would risk their job. Similarly work colleagues aren't there to be your friend they are there for the money. Harsh but true.

I have noticed that people on other forums are saying the same as here. If you want someone to say "you are being unfairly treated and of course you're ok to look up to your supervisor" then you wont find it. I suspect that is what you want to hear. This is due solely to your own behaviour and unless you change you will find yourself in the same situation time and time again.



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"He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life." - Homer Simpson
"I hear those voices that will not be drowned"
Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
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Old 07-12-2019, 03:39 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by not_so_insig View Post
This has been said in other forums but it needs repeating for those of you who havent read them: a supervisor is not there to be your friend. If they have found to have had an inappropriate relationship with you they will be fired. I doubt that anyone would risk their job. Similarly work colleagues aren't there to be your friend they are there for the money. Harsh but true.

I have noticed that people on other forums are saying the same as here. If you want someone to say "you are being unfairly treated and of course you're ok to look up to your supervisor" then you wont find it. I suspect that is what you want to hear. This is due solely to your own behaviour and unless you change you will find yourself in the same situation time and time again.
Totally agree with this. Even if people say they are friends at work, they really arenít. Work and social life are always kept secret. And for those who actually do hang out with coworkers or supervisors outside of work usually donít last long. At the end of the day, everyone is just being polite and civil with each other at work. If things go sour, coworkers and superiors will have no problem throwing someone else under the bus to save themselves. So yeah, I totally agree with what you said here.

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