I posted a while back. I confided in a girl I work with about a rape that occured several years ago.
I've never spoken about it in great detail. I told her a little bit of the story one night and then the pub we were in closed so we had to leave. Then she wouldnt go out with me on the condition that she wouldnt until I agreed to speak to a professional.
I explained I couldnt do this and eventually she agreed to go out again. We didnt mention any of this stuff, just had fun.
At the end of the night i told her id been trying to work up the guts to talk about something more personal and she said we could do something the next week so I could.
I've told her about SI, that i have been free for 16 months but still have the urge. And we were talking about it the other night and she said I need to tell our managing director at work. She is a nice woman but I feel no need to tell her. My friend says what if i hurt myself at work, someone needs to know. Ive explained I havent hurt myself in a long time and i would never do it at work but she wont back down. She said she nearly went and told her herself but she knew it would be best for it to come from me.
Im now TERRIFIED she's going to say something to her. Before i told her all this, she came to me at work and said she could tell something was going on (we werent that close) and that i could trust her, she wouldnt tell a soul. She has a lot of family problems and had a really rough upbringing. She confided all this stuff in me. And i said i didnt want to burden her but she assured me she was very resilient.
She says she panics about what if something happens to me, if I dont wake up one day and people find out and think "i cant believe she knew and did nothing". Ive confessed that since around now is the anniversary of the rape I get a bit depressed and suicidal.
I can see her point, I really can. If something happened to me i can understand that she'd feel guilty. But she promised she'd never tell anyone and I think now she's reconsidering.
Also, I told her the full details of the rape. Which ive never said before. And she said that im weak, im not a strong person. And she hates weak people. She said "it wasnt your fault, but it is now. youre letting this take over and you wont do anything about it and that makes you weak". She gave me the whole guilt trip about not reporting it, he could attack someone else and it's all my fault
I tried to defend myself. I told her that if you'd asked me beforehand id have said of course i would go to the police, of course I would see a counsellor. I told her that if you havent been there then you cant understand. I said as well if youd asked me before, id have fought it, id have fought back and not let it happen. But it's not like that. You cant know how youll act.
I told her that I felt brave being able to sit and talk to her and tell her what had happened (as in 5 years id only told one other person and in no detail) "youre not brave. its pathetic its taken you this long".
We went home and i text her and told her she'd really hurt me and she sent back "cruel to be kind, this is what you need to hear"
Oh she also said to me "do you think youre the only person this has ever happened to?"
So I feel awful. I think she's amazing. I completely idolise her. She is such a strong and confident person. So it just hurts to hear this is what she thinks of me.
