Shame

[Celticroots]

I saw my therapist today. I told her about how I cut last Sunday, the feeling of relief it gave me. And why I even considered stopping at all. I bruise too so when I say stopping self-harm I don't just mean cutting.

Prior to hitting the week before last, and cutting, I'd gone almost 5 maybe 6 months without doing anything. I hardly ever had urges anymore, or when I did I tried to deal with them in healthy ways.

But that relief felt so good, part of me wonders why I ever stopped. Which lends to the question do I really want to stop? I don't want self-harm to never be an option for me. But I feel like by acknowledging that feeling of not wanting to quit, that I should be ashamed of myself. That those three years of therapy back in my home town were for nothing. That putting into practice healthy coping mechanisms was a waste. That I am wasting my current therapist's time and I am just a liar. Even though part of me wants to cope in healthy ways.

The other side of me knows the risks. With bruising broken bones, possible nerve damage, etc. With cutting, infections, going to deep, needing stitches, escalation. I know none of it is good. So that if I allow myself to experience the feeling of not wanting to quit then I'll go into this self-destructive spiral. I feel like crap for even having these thoughts. Like I should know better when there are healthier ways to deal with things.

Anyone else experience being torn like this?

[mrsampersand]

Oh my gosh, I feel the same way! But there is a reason that all of us here started doing self harming behaviors- it does help. As least to a point. To me at least, therapy is helping me see the pros and cons of my behavior. There are a lot of cons to this kind of coping, like you said, infections, ect.

5 months free is an amazing feat, and I'm proud of you!

If you aren't 100% sure that you want to stop, I think that's perfectly normal. You aren't wasting anyone's time least of all your therapist's. And you certainty aren't lying. I'm going through something similar, though I haven't gone as long as you without SI. Its really, really hard. I want to, but at the same time I hate myself if I do... the spiral is awful.

Have you told your current therapist about these feelings? It might help to talk about it. I'm planning to talk to mine, so maybe we both can?

You aren't alone! =]

[Lone Star]

What I have to say probably won't mean much because I haven't cut for 2 1/2 years but all the time I wonder why did I stop to begin with when nothing has brought me happiness or any other warm fuzzy feelings the same way that cutting once did. I yearn for it all the time, and it has become a circle where sometimes I have come on here to talk about it, but seeing my "posts" in the past made me realize that I'm beating a dead horse.

But what I really feel is that you want to stop, and here's why... The fact that you even made this thread is proof enough that you are not 100% committed to going back, That even though you have urges you doubt them. The easiest thing to do is say "**** therapy" and instead of trying to better yourself, go back to the classic self harm ways, but instead we're here. We're here discussing being pulled by 2 sides and that's because what these urges are nothing but that...

Urges.

If there's anything about self harm recovery that I've learned is this... that no matter what happens, no matter how long time goes by... the urges will be strong. It takes a lot to be "completely free" of self harm and that itself has put me in the same place you are now. On one side I don't want it, on the other side I figure there's no point... I already have permanent scars, I will now spend the rest of my life in long sleeves, hiding my scars from everybody and it's frustrating. But now that I'm in that dark room well... I closed the door forever. No matter what, it's always there. But it doesn't make me a bad person.

Think about it like this... If you think about stealing something does that make you a bad person, even if you never go through with it? Are you now a criminal over a thought? Should you be penalized for it? I don't think so. Thoughts are nothing more than ideas. They hold no weight until you act on em. Don't feel bad that you have the thoughts of self harm. They're completely normal. Hell, I think about it everyday. I never act on it and although my issue is different there, I haven't cut myself in 2 1/2 years. It's been a long hard struggle but I've made it so far.