There are like two parts of me. The rational side and the hysterical depression side. They keep each other in check and whatnot.
When I cut (this applies to all forms of SH) I don't think "I deserve this." I know that I am relieving pain and anxiety and all these feelings. I feel bad about my cutting because I know I have my stuff together, so I feel like I don't really have the right to harm myself (which often triggers me do it)
Majority of the people I have talked to say they do it because they deserve it for being horrible, mean, etc., but rarely do I do it because I think I deserve it. (There are those days, but it's usually just to relieve guilt.)
Agree? Disagree?
(I feel like this is offensive, so I apologize)
"Monsters are real, ghosts are too. They live inside us and sometimes they win."
whatever you feel about your self harm is ok. there is no one correct way to feel. there are general patterns that emerge when you look at lots of people, but there are so many different factors and scenarios. it would be like looking at everyone on the world and saying that the general concensus is to wear sandals during the summer, and then saying that anyone who still wears tennis shoes is a strange person.... self harming can and does result from a wide range of things.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I was filled with so many emotions at the time, mainly guilt i felt i did deserve it. However there were times when i did want to sh but i knew i wouldn't be able to sleep before i had sh-ed.
Guess I tend to self-harm for different reasons, just depending on the situation or how I feel. Sometimes I do it because I think I deserve to hurt. Other times I do it to relieve stress, pain, or to calm myself down. Then other times I do it to feel more in control.
Like PassedExpectations mentioned, I don't think there's any "right" or "wrong" way to feel about your self-harm or reason you do it. It just depends on the person.
"God take me, because I hate me" -Underoath
We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, and students. We have depression, PTSD, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some not. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every race or religion that you can think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.
I occasionally used to do it out of punishment cause i thought i deserved it. now partly what i say to stop myself from doing it is reminding myself that i don't deserve it, regardless of what the reason for me wanting to SH is.
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
Im the same way with the two sides of me, as far as feeling like I deserve it i'm not sure mines more a release. I've been reading a lot of your stuff, and I think we should talk sometime so if you ever need anything message me. I think we might have s lot in common.
I can see the heavens, but I still hear the flames calling out my name...
I can relate to your situation.
Sometimes I do it for punishing me, coping with emotion / stress, feeling something... But sometimes I just cut myself because I want to. There's no real reason for that, I just feel like doing it. Sometimes I'm even forcing myself to do it, and then I feel like I don't deserve cutting myself*.
If that made any sense at all.
Anyway, you are not alone with how you feel about your self-harm. I can totally understand you.
*But who actually deserves to cut themselves? No one should deserve to self-injure, shouldn't they?
Marie
rebellion / rebelliousness | she who raises | bitter | sea of bitterness / sorrow | lady / mistress of the sea | star of the sea | dew of the sea
