Hey Everyone. I dont post here often because I find it a bit triggering, but I could use a bit of advice.
I have recently run into a whole ton of financial problems and had to drop all of the team of doctors that I was seeing (most of them for my anorexia) but I also had to drop the great therapist I was seeing also. She was one of the only ones that knew I was sexually abused by my ex boyfriend 2 years ago. Anyway, I started seeing this new girl at my school (because its free) and she is areally great. This past week she pretty much pulled that I was raped right out of me. So now she knows as well.
For my upcoming appointment this week she wanted me to write a forgiveness letter to myself about what had happened. I promised that I would... but I cant... because I dont really forgive myself for anything that happened. I still feel imense guilt. And not only that... but she is only the second person to ever know about it (except here of course)... and even here i dont talk about it because i just put it away in the back of my head and dont think about it. Because when i do I become severly depressed. So even starting to write this letter just brings it all back up in my head and I hate it and am finding it impossible to even write.
I am sorry that this turned into a bit of a rant... I just dont know if I should suck it up and write the letter... or let my counselor down by not doing it.
I just cant forgive myself for the mistakes I made leading to the event. I dont think that I ever will.
Just explain to her what you feel about it and that you can't.
You're not letting her down.
I'm sure she'd preferr to know rather than making you uncomfortable. x
i agree, you aren't letting her or yourself down. let her know that is was a good idea but you're not ready for that yet, set your own pace hun, you don't need to rush this.
i hope one day you can stop blaming yourself, you deserve to be happy and i'm glad you still managed to find someone to talk to.
take care xoxoxoxox
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....
It's good that you like her and, as people have said, I'm sure she didn't mean to make you feel uncomfotable. Just be honest with her and say you fully intended to write it, but when you sat down to start, all the feelings you normally keep suppressed came rushing back at you and you couldn't do it. She'll be able to help you if you are honest with her; and please, don't feel that you have let her down. Your only "responsibility" to her is to try your best, and you've done that already.
You say that you made mistakes leading up to what happened. Can I ask what those are? I don't want to pry ... please, just say if that's too personal a question.
Personally, I can't forgive myself for some of the choices I made before what happened. I thought I had, I thought it through really logically and decided "no, it wasn't my fault". But then I started feeling really vulnerable and unsafe, and what I found was, if I believe it wasn't my fault, then I believe it really was his fault.
And if he intended to do that to me, and it wasn't my fault, then that means it was out of my control altogether. Which makes me a "victim" (I do hate that word). Which means I don't feel safe anymore. Because it could happen again. He could find me, even.
The way I see it is ... if I made a mistake by (for example) deciding to go off with him, then all I need to do is never make that mistake again by (for example) not going off alone with men, and (do you see the flawed logic yet?) "it will never happen to me again - guaranteed". Result - I feel safer.
Or, in other words, I can't forgive myself because otherwise I feel out of control and like it will happen again.
Is there any chance this might be part of the reluctance you're feeling to forgive yourself? I may be completely off track here; if I am, then I'm sorry. I only wonder because most things that people do (that you did, that I did) really aren't that "bad" of a sin ... just a mistake, one that anyone could have made ... for example (I don't know your story so I'll use mine as an example), deciding to trust someone. I wouldn't be any sort of decent human being if I never decided to trust someone in my life ... yet the night I trusted him, I blamed myself and my "bad judgement of people" for years (and in some ways, I still do).
In any case ... I'll shut up now!! Sorry for the really long post!! I hope you're okay, take care
Courage is found in unlikely places — J.R.R. Tolkien
Nothing is written - T. E. Lawrence
If you're going through Hell, keep going – Winston Churchill
All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible — T. E. Lawrence
Perhaps she asked you to write the letter b/c she knew you wouldn't be able to write it and she'll use it as an opening point in the next session?. The feelings of guilt i mean...
But (and i know this probably wont help but i'll say it anyway) You have absolutly nothing to feel guilty about. He was in control of his actions.He knew what he was doing.Je knew how you'd be affected but he still did it.So nothing is your fault...
*hugs*
Feel free to PM me if you need to talk sweetheart,
chels.x
... yet the night I trusted him, I blamed myself and my "bad judgement of people" for years (and in some ways, I still do).
