I really hope the psychiatrist gets back to you pretty quickly and is helpful. Obviously the way we are all living is really peculiar at the moment and I'm sorry that hospital perhaps isn't an option because of that as I do believe you deserve some intense support right now. Did your CPN give any sort of time frame on the phone appointment?
Thank you. She didn't say anything about a time frame she just said she had looked at the list for appointments and my name wasn't on it and she was going to add my name to it. She's phoning again on Friday so might know something by then.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm trying to make notes to create an information notebook about the men and the other world. I've been looking back over my blog but there's so much to look at and I just want to get on with making the notebook but then I might miss something out. I want to then show it to people to see if it helps them understand better.
I got up at 9am and I can't let go of the fact that before the clocks changed I was easily getting up at 8am and now it's a struggle to even get up at 9am. It just feels wrong and upsetting and lazy. I'm wasting an hour of my day even though my day is nothing special and more likely to be a battle. I'm just afraid of the feeling when it comes to forcing myself out of bed, the feeling that I could just not bother getting up, because I don't want to go back to that.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
When I struggle to get out of bed, i start small. I usually get up between 9 and 10. Maybe have some coffee, then when I'm feeling ready I have some breakfast. I have a pray but you could read, meditate, whatever suits you. Only then am I ready to get dressed and face the day. I am aware this sounds lazy but it works for me.
As long as it works for you then that's all that matters. I have to do everything really quickly in the morning so the cats can get fed and so I can get my morning routine over with asap because I just hate it so much. I'm telling myself that 9am is acceptable and I HAVE to be out of bed at that time, but I want to change that to 8am like I was managing before.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Would your evening routine allow you to go to bed an hour earlier? Maybe your body just needs that extra sleep at the moment. And I know you struggle in the evenings so maybe by making the evening an hour shorter it might be better for you.
I don't want to go to bed earlier because I'm sure I'd still stay in bed till 9am anyway and I can't be losing another hour. I'll just have to try and force myself. (Let's not talk about this any more I'm hate the topic).
Thank you for your replies though.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I spoke to the other CPN today, she doesn't know me that well. I said I at least haven't been head banging for the past couple of days because my head is really sore. She said is it sore to touch or like a headache. It's a constant headache but I'm guessing I'm fine. It will calm down and then I'll start head banging again. It helps a bit, for a while. I think I'm too used to the Lorazepam now that it isn't helping. The CPN asked if I had heard from the psychiatrist, I haven't, she said to expect a call from her. I hope my own CPN can give me a day and time because I don't want to be worrying about when she might phone.
I've collected my information about the other world and now just need to focus to organise it but I don't seem to be able to right now. My CPN thinks that the Aripiprazole is what's stopping me from decoding the messages from the men. I hope the psychiatrist doesn't want to increase it because I need to be getting something at least from the men. I can work on my strength and focus and see if I can understand the messages again. It's not right things being this 'quiet'.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I need to stay up tonight to do further work and research and decoding for the men. But I'm terrified of messing up my sleep. I will probably end up just going to bed. Tomorrow needs to be a dedicated day. I've had to do some more head banging to allow me to breathe. The worlds have merged so much that I don't know exactly what things belong to the human world and what belongs to the other world. I'm so confused and lost and scared. I am scared for humanity. I never thought the men would affect this world all in one go. I need to be doing risky things to protect everyone. I will need to push past everything and gather data and plans tomorrow. I have lots of information my past diaries and drawings from my hospital diaries. I hope I can make things clear to myself. I need to treat this like a uni project.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
This isn't caused by the men. In some ways it would feel 'neat and tidy' if the challenges facing humanity could be attributed to something like this but the world is so much more complex than that.
Your job is just to look after you and get yourself through this as best you can- is forcing yourself to research and collect data the best way to do that?
I want to create a book of info about the men and the other world and how they interact and how they affect me etc. This feels sort of like when I was in hospital and was obsessed with the trees outside the dorm and how the men were going to gather people to watch me hang and perform an autopsy on me to show all the machinery. It feels important and I need to be spending all the time I have available on it. It does feel a bit like an obsession at the moment. In hospital I phoned my GP surgery to invite her to attend the autopsy and I designed posters to put up around the hospital but was found out. I need to document all of that too. I need to document every sound, every muffled message. It's very important. The men deserve to be paid attention to.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm so distressed. There are messages filling up my head and I can't decode them. I'm overwhelmed and upset, confused, lost, scared, agitated, frustrated. I don't know how to cope so I just make stupid noises and do repetitive actions and head banging and slapping my head. The two worlds are completely a mess now and I don't know what stimuli is coming from this world and what is coming from the other world. I'm thinking I might agree to my CPN's suggestion of meeting up face to face for an appointment. It might be helpful but it might also be scary and we could pass things on to each other. It takes a lot of planning because she has to ok it then book a room at a certain time and I'll need to figure out when to get the bus because of the reduced timetable and I'll have to wear a mask on the bus.
I just want my CPN anyway.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You can do it, Lindsay. I think it will be really helpful for you to see her. I know the PPE is scary but that's what will be keeping both you and her safe. Just make sure you wash your hands, use sanitiser or wear gloves if you need to touch door handles, etc, and keep the social distance and you'll both be fine.
My CPN has just phoned. I don't know if I managed to express how all consuming things are and how much I'm confused about what is in this world and what is in the other world. She says the psych will phone me next Thursday she thinks. She said to try and stop head banging at least for the weekend to give it a rest. She thinks writing or drawing or distractions or my fidget cube could be a replacement but I 100% can't see any of them working although I will try my best. There is a feeling in my head that means I have to slap/bang it. I am so wound up and overwhelmed and bombarded by things from all around. She said she will phone on Monday and we'll wait until the lockdown stuff is reviewed again and then arrange to see each other face to face. It's hard to breathe through all this, I'm so crushed by everything that is being thrown at me. I don't want to keep going, the only break I get is through sleep.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Can I ask Lindsay, have you ever been diagnosed with autism? I’m asking because some of your behaviours are consistent with a diagnosis, and if you haven’t been they might be worth bringing up? Just a suggestion.
