i'm so confused. i've had depression 'symptoms' creeping up on me ever since i was in year two, there were a few triggers (bullying, losing good friendships, losing confidence, losing my dog who was also my best friend) these symptoms have been not enjoying things, i haven't experienced excitedness or happiness since about year five, christmas became one of the saddest days of the year, i can't feel the sunshine, i feel as if my brain is just a computer, on the days that there is a cool breeze, the leaves are falling, i'm all snuggled up in a big jumper and scarf walking down the road, all i feel is, it's cold. the leaves are falling. it's windy. i feel as if i have slowly lost every emotion but sadness and pain. i have become increasingly more and more depressed and there was a stage where the only thing that i could ever think of to give me releif was the thought that i might just fall asleep and never wake up.
the thing is though, i am a strong person, i have done absolutely everything i can to recover without even one thought as to wether it is the most comfortable or easy thing to do. there was a stage where i was scared and i didn't know what was wrong with me and i completely gave into my emotions. since then though, i have tried to only listen to positive music, i have only cut myself once or twice in about a year, i have seen the school councellor, i have seen a psycologist. none of this has done anything but bury the problem, bury the symptoms.
On top of these 'symptoms' though, ever since i was in year one i have felt completely alone, completely different. i am so completely sensetive and empathetic that i almost feel like i am the person. i would go home and cry for the boy who was bullied on the bus, i would fight back tears just talking to my best friend's ex. when i was little i would just cling to my mum, i refused to let anyone else hold me, i'd feel uncomfortable sittig on someone elses lap, i'd hide behind the couch when someone knocked on the door. i just can't handle people, i am so different and i can tell straight away that someone is too superficial for me. i have never, EVER found someone who was like me. this is so much more than being shy or anti-social.
then there is a different side to me, a side where i am cheeky, always smiling and telling jokes, i have a great life, a supportive family, me and my friends just spend hours laughing at each other. i am great in social situations, i come across as a little superficial and a bit weird but i am just genuinely happy go lucky.
When i was little i was 30% different and alone and 70% cheeky and grinning but over the years the lonely side has taken over me and now it is 90% alone and 10% happy go lucky. every day i go to school and try to live on that 10%, try to look happy and funny. mainly because i hate the side of me that's so sad and scared of people, i want to be happy, i want to be cheeky, i want to be loved. I know that if i show people my 90% there is no one similar enough to me to accept it and like me so i just have to pretend that i am like everyone else.
i feel like i am such a strong person. i give 110% to every single day to come across as being okay. i am fighting this battle with everything i have. i don't want to give in. i don't want to cut myself. i don't want to be emo and the sort of person that people feel depressed just simply being around. but no matter how much i give i just can't beat it.
i want to show who i really am but i am just scared that i have lived in this fake persona for so long that i'll just go straight back into it. school goes back tomorrow.
is there anyone out there who can help me? i just feel so alone
Do you still see a school councellor, or anyone? Could you speak to your GP, and say you want to address the problem head on, and not just burry the problem?
Im not sure im replying with the right sort of thing, but i've read what you've written, and i think you're right to feel like a very strong person. Sometimes you just need people to help with the fight.
*hugs*
Stay and talk here x
Strength can mean exposing your vulnerabilities.
In fact, in living with our deepest vulnerabilities, we can find our deepest strengths.
You don't have to be 'perfect' any more.
thanks guys
it's good to know i have support :)
yeah, that is a good point, yellowlemon and mum has booked me in to see someone but it won't be for quite a while.
I went to school today and i tried the best i could to be myself, honestly i did, but in about five minutes of being a school i completely snapped back into my old persona, i was smiling on the outside but inside i was trying despirately to get out. I felt as if a part of me was locked up and i was trying to be free but i just couldn't.
i talked to mum and dad about home schooling and they said they'd look into it. There are still important things to deal with like whethere i can to the school certificate, whether it's to late to leave and where i'm gunnna go for years 11 and 12 but we'll just see.
i've always been hesitant about home schooling because of loneliness and also the big drama of leaving and the fact that home schooling is considered to be reeally daggy. but just being at school today confirmed for me that i can't do it. I don't know if home schooling is the right option but school definately isn't
wow. That was over two years ago? absolutely no one is going to read this but here goes:
i have lost everything. i live on my depression and anxiety, it rules my life. im a heartless bitch i've turned my family (especially my mum) away from me, my depression is ruining my little sister's life, i'm a f*cking bitch, i'm ugly, i'm fat, i'm stupid, i'm a worthless waste of space, i am DEFINITELY better off dead, i deserve to be punished and abused, i'm a f*ck up. I used to talk about a 90% and a 10% i'm now a zero percent. all i am is evil infected thought. my mind is a corpse, i'm fucking ugly. and the hilarious thing is that all these thoughts and emotions are so prominent and intense that i'm in no danger of anything. i'm not going anywhere, no. i'm designed to stay in this little hell hole for the rest of my existence. i believe i deserve to die but i have to resign to the fact that more than that, i deserve this unbearable punishment of simply existing and living within the hell of my own mind.
and what do i have to show for this pain? Is my body on the brink of collapse from being underweight? am i in hospital for attempted suicide? are psychologists and psychaiatrists desperately trying to cure me? do my parents worry about my well-being? NO. i am a high achieving student going to a selective highschool. I have 'friends'. i 'live' everyday. i'm fat, i've got acne, i'm ugly, i'm stupid, i'm weird, i'm antisocial but nobody could give a f*ck because I'm living. Living a fucking joke and lie. I'd apologise profusely for this. it's just so plain ugly and i have slaughtered the girl i was before. But you'll never see this so it's okay :)
they don't get it i wanna scream
i wanna breathe again
i wanna dream
well... all those mean things you said about yourself... i don't beleive them. it does sound like you are fairly consumed by your depression, because that is pretty much the only way that you could truly beleive all those bad things about yourself.... but that doesn't mean that you can't get out.
what brought you back to update this thread?
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
