April: I don't get suicidal all that frequently, but when I do it usually means that I'm going to make an attempt on my life. I've made almost 100 attempts now.
I'm just trying to hang on. I feel like absolute ****. I just want to run (well limp) away and hide somewhere were no one will find me. To just disappear from the world.
*hugs everyone again* Sorry for the lack of individual replies. I'm just not feeling able to keep up with everything. :( Bad me.
*disappears into a dark corner where no one will see me cry*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Sorry been away for so long, didn't get the chance to get on since 12:30pm until just now. Classes classes classes, yurghhh... *sighs*
*snuggles Franz* Hope you're feeling a bit better. How'd your day go?
*huggles Laura* What's up, sweetie? You can do it... whatever "it" may be... you are a strong person. xx
*hugs Helen* How're you, love?
*holds Kahlia gently* That's a lot of attempts... glad you haven't been successful yet as I believe you have a lot to offer to the world once problems get more under control etc. Not saying that you don't have a lot to offer now - it's just so very difficult to offer up what you do have when you are struggling so. I hope that made sense?
*hugs Jocelyn* How're you doing, love? I'll reply to the PM tomorrow, sorry haven't as of yet.
I'm really tired... just got back from class half an hour ago, had a nice hot bath & soak with pomegranate flavored salts, mmm it was nice. Just what I needed, heh. :)
I'm feeling okayish right now, although a little "periody" and uncomfy. Bed will feel good I think. I already have a TON of homework to do... so yeh, best get to bed shortly so I can be "up & at 'em" tomorrow nice & early. *sigh*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*Rant warning - i'm stupid*
I can't handle anything it seems. I feel ridiculous. I'm so tired of wondering if I will always hate classes and work b/c i cant seem to control anxiety type stuff. I just want it to go away, or i want me to go away. I feel like its getting more stupid and worse all the time. I am embarrassed by everything i do and say in front of people. It makes me want to run out of the room and hide... which i almost did today when we had to play a stupid "ice breaker name game"... Everything i said came out in a stutter and my mind turned off. Then the rest of the class all i could think of is how everyone must be thinking how much of an idiot I am. Which i know is irrational and stupid... which is why i feel ridiculous. Oh, and one of the girls that i went to jr. high with... (6th-8th grade) is in that class too, she is one of my least favorite people on earth, one of the people who did everything they could to make me feel even more socially isolated. I dont know how to handle her in class. F***. I'm so stupid. I want to die, or at least SI to make me feel like I have control over my own head.
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
Mood, hallucinations and urges getting worse. Not sure what to do about it.
Can I disappear now please ??
*finds nice dark corner to pretend that she doesn't exist*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
*squishes Laura* Sweetheart, you're not stupid. Social anxiety sucks & makes you feel awful... I understand the desire to disappear or have everything else disappear. I really do. I feel that way a lot... wanting to disappear, being embarrassed of what I've said/done (although it's gotten a lot less bad in the past few years), etc. I'm sorry that one of your least favorite people is in one of your classes... has she changed at all, do you know? or is she still really cruel, etc.? *holds you gently*
Classes were okay, to answer your question. I'm sitting in the back of the room for intro to soc with a bunch of idiots, which is really annoying as I don't want to change my seat now because I don't want to look like a snob. But there is one dumbass who has smart comments for everything the prof says (this is an intro class, and a required one, so there are annoying & stupid people in it - they haven't been weeded out yet - heh)... so annoying... and he sits right next to me. It took all my willpower yesterday not to punch him or tell him to shut up. :(
Health psych lab was okay; we watched a film on the placebo effect, and have a ton of tests/surveys/questionnaires to fill out before next Wednesday.
Senior sem was... I don't know. I really don't know what to think of it... don't have any idea how I'm going to do in it. Most of the class was spent weeding out people for the other section (usually there are only a few students in it, like 10-12, but this semester there were 37, so there had to be 2 sections!! and they're big sections, at that).
And Women & Spirituality was AWESOME... lol. I'm so glad that I'm taking the class, and so is the prof who is my friend... she's team-teaching it with the Protestant minister on campus, and the Catholic minister is taking it. So it ought to be interesting... they are hilarious teaching it. Even though it's a night class I think it's one that I mentally/emotionally "need" - kind of a break from my other classes, so I think I will stick with it. :) And my best friend & other friend are also going to be sticking with it - yey!! :P
*huggles Helen & Kahlia* I wish I could help you both more... just keep fighting, don't give in... so easy to say, so hard to do, I know. :( *more cuddles*
I'm so tired. :( But only today & tomorrow & then it's the weekend!!! (which means HOMEWORK, unless I get busy today & tomorrow morning...)
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
I've been trying to get to sleep for the last few hours and having absolutely no luck. I've made myself a drink and then I'm going to go and make another attempt at this sleep thing.
Tonight I emailed my tdoc about the things that have been going on and how the hospital and crisis team have basically rejected me. I don't know when I'll hear from him ...
I'm just so over anything ... I think I'll sneak into the denial tent until it all goes away.
*grabs bear and sneaks her way into the denial tent*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
*hugs april* that last class sounds awesome! I have a lot of homework too already.
*hugs kahlia* sorry your having trouble sleeping, but it think its good u emailed ur tdoc. Hope it doesnt take too long to hear back.
*huggles helen*
Off for another day of class... aka round three of wanting to hide and feeling ridiculous.
Oh and that girl, idk if she has changed or not, ive avoided her since 8th grade... I'm not sure that it matters to me or not if she's changed, I'm still going to be wary around her and feel like i have to be perfection to do or say anything in class.
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
Kahlia, I hope that your tdoc responds as well. You need as much help/support as you can get... is there anything that you want to talk about? *gentle hugs* Hope you manage to get some sleep... that ought to help at least a little, if you can escape into deep sleep for a bit.
*cuddles Helen back* How're you? You avoided my first question. ;) xx
*squishes Laura* Yeh, round three for me too... health psych & advanced counseling techniques, then I don't know what. I'm dreading going to them as I can't remember whether or not I finished all the homework for them. :-X I have a ton of work to do before next week... just want to give up already. I HATE having so much work!!!
I'm not doing too well. REALLY wanted to cut this morning & I texted my NP & therapist and only my T responded, with some things I could do as distractions... but about 20 minutes after I first texted her. I didn't cut but I can visualize it and it's awful... or good... I don't know anymore. :(
I feel like I'm dying inside...
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
i'm stuck in oxford visiting my aunt and i want to die. so much. but i can't kill myself here because of...issues that my aunt has...i can't hurt her more...but i need to die. somebody please help me. please?
