Of course I came running back... *substance abuse*
It's been years since I've been on this site.
Here I am. Going on nine days clean and it's getting harder. I'm 32 and finally let drugs almost up and ruin my life.
Nine days clean is actually a lie. I got sick of no sleep and pain and got stuff tonight. Intentionally not enough to get high but enough to stop withdrawal so hopefully I could sleep. But everyone keeps hitting me up. Everyone is messaging me saying they'll front. One got busted recently and so when anything gets to her house I'm the first one she contacts to get rid of it to. "Come get these" and "someone left a bag here. Get it please."
It doesn't help that my dealers like me. A lot. The one made me her son's godmother with guardianship if anything happens to her and the other buys me gifts. So I feel bad not responding.
The first few days I felt proud of myself. I thought I could do it. But at a week I began to break. Tonight I was so tired of the pain, so tired of being tired, so tired of the restlessness... So when offered I took it telling myself and others that it was just to take the edge off. I'm not sure how true that is.
I used to downplay how bad my addiction was when I still came here. Definitely when I was a mod. I've reached the point that I don't want to lie about it anymore.
But I'm more scared of coming off long acting things. I'm scared of subs and methadone. I know withdrawal from that can be worse and I don't know if I can not abuse stuff. I know I almost overdosed numerous times. It got to where I carry Narcan on me. I felt that I was close to messing up and potentially death. It got scary.
But I've messed up so bad. I've started to fail at adulting.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Not sure why I picked this forum except I'm not a kid or in college or anything. This isn't something I can go to family and get help with. It just didn't seem right elsewhere.
Sorry. And thanks if you took the time to read this.
This is getting harder and harder. Physically I'm mostly okay except some tummy issues and inability to sleep. It's the emotional **** show now. I'm cycling through all my old, negative emotions and thoughts that I was numbing with the drugs.
So far it's been almost 48 hours straight of panic attacks. Loss of self worth. Lots of extremely down moments that feel like I want to fall into the depths of the earth and allow myself to burn up in it.
This all sounds so very hard for you. I've got no experience of addiction, but do have close family members who have gone through it, and it's very tough. I really feel for you.
Is there any chance you could seek advice about getting treatment for your addiction? Have you ever considered narcotics anonymous or a similar programme? For what I understand, you're going to need help with this, from peers and professionals. That doesn't necessarily mean methadone and Subutex. I think it'd be worth looking at your options.
Keep talking here if it's helpful. Things are rather quiet these days, especially in vets, so don't give up if it takes a while to get a response. Thinking of you.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Yeah. It's not been easy. At all. I can't sleep to save my life. I've caved and got a small, small amount, not enough to feel anything but hopefully enough to trick my body into thinking it's normal again. Not sleeping is really taking a toll on my mental state.
Still no sleep. Every time it's dark I'm now seeing **** that's not there. Even if it's just me closing my eyes there are flashes and I get fearful.
I caved and reached out to my cousin's dad, who is a psychologist and substance abuse counselor. After talking to me he thinks that I'm manic and my brain chemistry is just messed up. Obviously. Good job coming to this conclusion, uncle!
I know this isn't the end all be all but this mental state is making me feel like I'm seriously going nuts. I do have some support from a friend of mine from here who's gone through this himself. He keeps telling me that this is normal and it ends but how long can I actually go without sleep?
I'm grateful that this time around, somehow, I've got off very lightly on the physical part of the withdrawal. Two years ago I was admitted to the hospital because I became so dehydrated from the withdrawal that my kidneys had to be monitored and my gallbladder became damaged. No IV meds could stop the vomiting. I really have no idea how I've got off so easy this time around.
It's really the mental for me now. I know my brain chemistry has to reset itself. I know that won't happen overnight. I know after so many years and how heavy I was using that I'm actually very lucky. I just have so many demons that sobriety is forcing me to face that I'm not even sure if I want to do this. I spent half my life trying to numb it all and now there's no doing that.
Sorry. I know I'm using this more to sort out my thoughts than anything else. I'm lame.
Not sleeping is an absolute nightmare. I know it might feel like a bit of a drop in the ocean, but how is your sleep hygiene? What are you trying to help you to sleep? Nice lighting, lavender, milky drink, tidy bedroom, comfortable temperature etc can all help with sleep. Even if it doesn't help you to drift off, it might help to calm some of how you are feeling.
Well done on reaching out to your Uncle, even if it wasn't particularly helpful.
I'm glad you've got a friend who's been through it. You will sleep eventually. It's awful and makes you feel really terrible, but your body cannot go without sleep indefinitely. There will be a point at which you drop. Not the idea way to get some shut eye, but your friend is right and it will end.
I'm really glad that you have been not too bad with the physical withdrawal this time. The family members I have who have gone through addiction to sobriety have experienced the same as you - that' it's the mental stuff they've been faced with after years of squashing things down with drugs and alcohol that's been the most difficult thing. You're not alone with that. I think that's why it's important to get into some king of programme or therapy. You're going to need support to deal with your demons; it's not something anyone can do on their own.
You're definitely not lame. You're incredibly strong for trying this. You honestly don't need to apologise.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
Sorry. Haven't been feeling all that great. I've messed up twice. Not too crazy. Tonight is the second time. I went to get stuff because I've been in so much pain from my nerves that i was going crazy. She gave me extra so... Yeah. No self control when it's with me.
Tomorrow I'll be trying again. Almost three weeks now, though. Not too bad considering it's still always there, in my face. I don't really regret it. I know it's a mistake but it really doesn't affect anyone, sadly.
Thank you, Sharlie. Since all of this I'm still clean and am in a new environment but around someone who has gone through it years ago. I've placed eight hours driving between me and my suppliers. Maybe I've not been clean for long, close to three months, but that's a damn long time from where I was.
