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Old 13-12-2019, 03:28 PM   #1
Lea_4
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
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Struggling with urges to SI. *abuse trigger warning

My name is Lea and I have been SI free for about 6 years but have recently really been struggling. A lot has been going on with my family and every day has been filled with fighting and stress. Many of my family members are angry with each other and they all seem to be leaning on me for support. I am not handling this well and the urges to SI have been getting very strong. I feel like I am abandoning my family if I tell them I donít want to or canít support them right now. I am being placed in the middle and do not know what to do.

I finally got my life on track and calm but because my sibling decided to share about our past and the sexual abuse we encountered as children, my life has been turned upside down. I donít know how to cope with this or how to feel. I did not know my older sister was abused by the same person, now I have mixed feelings. I am angry because she never said anything when it happened to her and then it happened to me and feel bad for being angry because I also understand how hard it is to talk about. I am angry that she told everyone my personal business without asking but also relieved itís no longer hidden. I am overwhelmed, anxious, and terrified because everything I have pushed down and sealed in a box has been opened back up. I donít talk about this, I pushed it down and pretended it never happened. It feels like now it has blown up in my face.

I am terrified to lose the battle against these urges and be back at stage 1. I donít have anyone to talk to about this and feel like Iím drowning. Any advice on what to do would be extremely appreciated.

Thank you,
Lea

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Old 16-12-2019, 02:52 PM   #2
one_step_closer
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Location: Scotland

That all sounds so difficult, I'm sorry you're going through such a distressing time and have been through so much before. Being SI free for 6 years is absolutely brilliant, hold on to that. I think you can keep going after so long but of course it's hard. It's more than ok for you to say to your family that you need to be looking after yourself and can't support them at the moment. Do any of your family support you? Maybe if there was more of a balance you could be there for each other in ways that you can all manage. Have you considered talking to someone on a telephone helpline? I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I really hope you can work through this safely and start to feel better.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-12-2019, 05:22 PM   #3
not_so_insig
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Wales, UK
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Have you had counselling for the abuse? If you havent I highly recommend it.



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Sanity is a nasty disease. The world would be a happier place without it. - Rilic
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Old 16-12-2019, 10:23 PM   #4
Lea_4
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
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Thank you. Unfortunately my family is not very supportive and only call when they need something, and if I don’t support them then I am the bad person. I try to keep my distance from them as much as possible. I think that is a big reason why I have been able to stay SI free for 6 years, they trigger a lot of my anxiety. I see a therapist once a month and have been working through a lot with her. She is great and I can share a lot with her, but I have never spoken in person to anyone about the SI in over 10 years. The last person I spoke to about it was extremely judgemental so It is something that I have kept hidden for many years. I know I need to talk about it with my therapist but am just afraid to open that door again. My fiancťe was not aware of my struggle and I only informed her of it on the weekend. She is trying to be as supportive as she can but is also struggling to understand it. I see my therapist again in January and am going to try my best to open up and share this with her, I guess I am just always afraid of being judged for it. I’ve called in hopes of trying to get an appointment sooner but am not sure if that will happen due to the holidays.

Thank you both for your responses, when I found this site I felt like I would finally be able to talk with someone who would not judge. Thank you.

All the best,
Lea

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Old 17-12-2019, 12:02 PM   #5
one_step_closer
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I'm sorry your family aren't there for you but still expect you to be there for them. That's not fair. But if it helps to keep your distance from them as much as possible then maybe you should stick with that when you can. I'd hope that your therapist wouldn't be judgmental if you spoke to her about your SI, since you seem to have a good relationship with her she might be a good person to talk to about your SI. You could even mention that you're afraid of being judged and of your previous experiences, it might help to have that in the open and talk it through.

Well done for speaking to your fiancť, of course she is going to take a while to process and understand things but I hope she will be there for you. Have you tried printing some things from the internet that explains SI so that your fiancť can read it to try and have more understanding?

We are here to support you in whatever way we can.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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