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Old 28-03-2021, 08:37 PM   #1
PeachyGirl
 
Join Date: Mar 2021
Partner Relapse *trigger SH/ drugs/ domestic violence-ish*

Hi, I haven't been here in ages but I used to post here back in high school which is further in the past than I'd like to admit... I'm having a very difficult time which is causing me to have thoughts about SH again. I haven't acted in that urge in about 8 years.

A week and a half ago we had to say goodbye to our dog, it was very sudden and I'm heartbroken. One week ago today my fiance flipped out, out of nowhere he started yelling and grabbed a hatchet and tried to climb on the roof to get this woodpecker that keeps pecking on the metal top on our chimney, I had to run outside and basically talk him down from our porch banister and he handed over the hatchet, then I started doing dishes and he came to apologize to me but I guess I didn't react the right way because he started screaming again and went into the bedroom, slammed the door, then he punched two holes in our door. I was terrified and shocked, he's never done that sort of thing with me and we've been together almost 8 years.

The next day he told me it wasn't an anger issue, it was an addiction issue. He had relapsed on his drug of choice (not naming it, not necessary) and had been using for about a month. I had NO IDEA. But I had thought he was having a manic episode, he lost weight and hadn't been sleeping almost at all, and all these little pieces of memories are starting to fit into place. All the little signs that I didn't even get at the time because I never, NEVER thought he'd fuck up this badly with me. He also told me in the middle of my workday (working from home) so I couldn't let myself process it then and it took days for me to even cry about any of it. Now I'm basically just crying on and off all day.

He is doing the right things right now, he told his therapist what was going on and she got him into drug and alcohol treatment at his clinic already and he'll be doing his metal health therapy and addiction therapy each once a week and 2 addiction groups (online) a week. He told his dad and his close friends and told them how to tell if he's using in the future to call him out if needed.

I'm feeling so stuck. This past month has been so weird, he was so distant and I was so worried he was having a mental health crisis and I suppose he was but I just can't get past the lying. He had lied and essentially stole $40 from me for drugs and he had been using in our home at night. I don't know how to trust him again. I'm bisexual and lately I've been feeling reallllllly gay, like men are progressively becoming less and less appealing and this just pushed it further. I don't know how to be with someone I don't trust and now I'm also like afraid of him since the outburst so I'm craving a feminine partner who can't necessarily seriously injure me if they're angry. He's never hurt me and logically I know it's not going to happen but anger like that and yelling are extremely triggering for me. Now if he walks up too quietly or startles me I jump.

I don't know what to do. We almost broke up but I support him entirely (he's supposed to be working on his mental health stuff so he can work, he has debilitating panic attacks) so I feel like kicking him out in the midst of a relapse would be horrendous, he has nowhere else to go and he has a son so I don't want to fuck up his weekend home life unless I'm absolutely certain. I don't know. I think I'm going to see how it goes with his intensified therapy but ANY ADVICE or support is very very very welcome.

(Also I don't have health insurance because I make too much tob qualify for state insurance but not enough to afford tge other horrible options and my partner is broke so he gets state health insurance so I don't have a therapist anymore and I'm not medicated at all but there's an assistance program through work but I keep not calling them)


Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 08-04-2021 at 06:12 PM. Reason: please see your PMs
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Old 03-04-2021, 09:51 PM   #2
Pi.R^2
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Hi there, welcome back, though sorry it's because of difficult circumstances.

This sounds so difficult and you've got a big decision to make. Is getting some space for a short while an option, to give you time to think things through and see how you feel when you're away from him?

Is there a reason why you're not calling the assistance program from work?


Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 04-04-2021 at 02:32 AM.


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Old 04-04-2021, 12:31 AM   #3
Auror.
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I'm guessing you're in the US? I agree re the work assistance thing, but also have you looked up options like better help, talkspace, open path collective, etc.? I found better help and talkspace subscriptions to be too expensive, but the sliding scale rates on open path can be an option if you are underinsured. Also, better help and talkspace are sometimes employer subsidized too, so those might be worth looking into?

I think it's understandable to be struggling to trust your fiance given what happened. Have you tried talking to him about any of this? I think it's probably important to figure out where you both stand and feel about how to move forward and what that might look like. It does sound like what you're describing that he is making a genuine effort to get clean and work on figuring out his own health.

I don't think we can really say what's safe and what's not, you have to decide that for yourself. Can you ask him to also see if there is family or couples counseling at the addiction help place? You could also look into things like AlAnon, RAINN, or similar support groups too. I also believe NAMI and others have free online mental health support groups as well that might be more generally focused.



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Old 05-04-2021, 04:55 PM   #4
PeachyGirl
 
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Thank you for the suggestions for counseling! I have still not called about the assistance program through work, I think mostly because when I'm off work with time to call I just don't want to deal with it and am tired. I need to call.

He is making effort but he also already decided he doesn't like his drug counselor or group (group is virtual, he didn't even do a whole session) and he's more interested in SMART recovery. I'm fine with him choosing a different kind if group therapy if he actually does it, I'm just getting worried that he'll not do it and mostly rely on his one mental health therapist. I feel a bit like we're settling back into how it was before this relapse instead of moving forward and working on things, but he is also showing some improvement.

I'm not doing great, he yelled at some kids who were harassing a cat that isn't theirs (justified yelling, they were across the big lawn at our complex) but it was so sudden and jarring and it sent me into that panic fight or flight mode and it took a long time for me to calm down. I don't know how to deal with that sort of physical response, it's sooooo stressful, my hands were shaking while I was cooking and my heart was pounding and my brain got all fuzzy. Now I jump if he does anything, he literally just sweetly stroked my hand and I wasn't expecting it so I jumped. Even though overall he's gotten his anger way under control I get triggered by even mild reactions, like he was triggered by something in his D&D game last night so instead of directing his anger at the other players he dropped out of the game right away and let them know he needed some time and then they got back to playing, and even that stressed me out! I don't want to be reacting weirdly or in a scared way to even the progress he's making, that won't help him or me.

I'm going to make time to see my lady friends soon because I'm definitely feeling starved for girl time, and he and I might take a little vacation to a cabin in the woods soon for a few days to chill out in nature. I'm just a big stress ball, I keep clenching my jaw in my sleep. Ugh.

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Old 09-04-2021, 12:06 PM   #5
Pi.R^2
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I'm hoping you might have called them by now? If not, here's a friendly nudge to do so!

It's understandable (if not at all pleasant) that you are really scared and have extreme reactions to anything that is anger-based. Does he know how hard you're finding it? It could be worth explaining it to him- he needs to know the distress he caused and be able to take responsibility for that, but also if he has noticed but doesn't understand why you seem to have extreme reactions to things he might be confused and benefit from understanding waht's going on.

Seeing friends and taking a vacation both sound like great plans- you've been through a lot and deserve some space, rest and time with friends :)

With the jaw-clenching, hopefully that will be a short-term problem that subsides when you're feeling less anxious, but just in case you weren't aware, there are mouth guards for teeth grinding available that could help reduce any associated headaches and prevent damage to your teeth.



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