I saw my CC today and she said that, though I've got to have a 1:1 assessment with the psychologist in the new year, they think (after a meeting they had last week) that DBT is the way to go. It's three hours a week (2 hours in a skills group and 1 hour of individual therapy) for 12 months. The waiting list is 8 - 12 months long. She said that her and Dr R (my psychiatrist) are sure I don't have BPD, but that I have traits (self-harm) and that, though there would be things I really wouldn't relate to at all in the group, some things would likely resonate with me and I'd get a lot from it.
I've got a couple of job interviews coming up. I don't know what to do. Do I go for the interviews? Do I stay and hope that therapy will help, whenever it may happen? We could be talking 2021 before it's finished, depending on exactly how long I have to wait. I can't put my life on hold for that long, can I? But life as it is isn't much of a life. But then it is. Because I am OK a lot of the time. This year has been really, really shit, though. It really has. And there's now more trauma and rubbish than there was before, in relation to mental health stuff.
I work in the same A&E that I have been treated in for self-harm, in the hospital that is on the same grounds as one of the units I've been sectioned in multiple times. I don't know how to move on when I've got that reminded three days a week, every week. Even the DBT group will be at the MH centre and I was sectioned there once after my CC duped me into leaving the house.
I don't fucking know. I'm alright. I just... I'm so conflicted and I can see this escalating and I could do with someone snapping me out of it, if anyone's got any ideas?
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
I think you should go for the interviews. It would be great experience and a massive confidence boost if they offered you the jobs, and even if they don't it's still something to learn from and should be a confidence boost that they've invited you to interview anyway.
As for DBT, I can understand that it might seem like putting your life on hold while you have the therapy but it sounds like you think it would be really useful for you. I wonder if it would be better to stay and do the DBT which would really help you to get back on track before making a big life change such as moving away for a new job?
But only you can answer whether you think you can stick it out in your current job situation with all those reminders of bad times right on your doorstep. Or would the DBT maybe help you to deal with those reminders better?
Sorry, I feel like I've just asked lots of confusing questions there and not been helpful at all. Just thinking out loud...
I don't really have anything to add, but keep talking to the people in your life who know you well and bounce ideas off them. I hope whatever happens it's what's best for you.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I honestly can't believe your manager said that to you. That's absolutely horrible and I cannot believe it is true based on everything you have said previously.
Are YOU interested in the job? Do YOU want to go to the job interview?
If either answer is yes then do it. Go to the interview. Don't let your current manager stop you.
My guess is that you're a great employee and your current manager knows that and is not wanting you to leave. I've had this occur before, where managers essentially discourage or sabotage my applying for other jobs because they do not want to lose me.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
She was trying to be kind, I think. She said it in a nice way. Said that she wants to look after me. She said that she thinks I need to be where my support network are, because only a few months ago I was in hospital. She said that her and my colleagues are a great team and that they are supportive and really care about me. She said that she had to say her piece, because she'd never forgive herself if something terrible happened to me because I moved and everything fell apart. She said that she thinks that I'd end up with no job and no home, because I wouldn't manage the new job. She said she can understand how frustrated I am, because I'm 'incredibly bright', but that I need to find challenges in areas other than work. She was trying to be kind, but what it amounts to is that I'm too mental to work under anyone else. She's right, I think. I cancelled the interview. Bleurgh. I have never felt so useless.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
You're not useless at all Aubergine, you do so much currently and there's no reason why in the future you couldn't do something more or something different. I'm glad you have people around who care about you. I understand your frustration and upset, metal illness can be so restricting, but you have moved forward loads and there's no reason why that should stop.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Though I'd managed to hold it together during the conversation I had with my manager on Monday, on Tuesday I fell apart a bit and sobbed in the middle of the pharmacy. I feel so stupid. Like, really stupid. I don't know. It's not very OK, is it? They were lovely as ever, and offered me a cup of tea and chocolate and said that they are glad that I'm staying, but I feel so pathetic. I'm embarrassed that I even considered getting a new job and moving on with my life. I just... I don't even know. Why do I think I can achieve things when quite clearly I am completely incapable?
We spoke about maybe finding some challenges outside of the work place. My OU course starts back up in January and I'm trying to sort out some voluntary work. I've also signed up for a 56 mile Bike Ride for the British Heart Foundation, which I've got six months to train for.
I phoned the local hospice on Wednesday to talk about doing some volunteering with them. The volunteer manager was so warm and kind on the phone, and said that going by our conversation that she thinks I'd be great on the front desk as a volunteer receptionist. I filled in the application form and sent it back, and they've already requested and received my references. All that's left now is to have an informal interview, which I should get a date for early next week.
I'm worried about my OU course starting I did OK in my previous module, but this one is outside of my comfort zone (psychology) and I don't know if I'm going to enjoy it or be any good at it. I'm going to do it, as I really want to do my degree, but it doesn't stop me feeling anxious about it.
I'm worried about the hospice stuff because I don't know if they'll think I'm suitable once I've met them. What if they think I'm too much of a liability to help them? Also, there was a question about health conditions on the application form. I mentioned anxiety, but said that it shouldn't impact my volunteering there. My manager messaged me when she was filling out my reference and asked if she could say that I sometimes get anxious, but that I'm open about it and am willing to discuss it if necessary. I said it was fine, because it's not as though I didn't include it in my application, but it doesn't feel very fine. It feels awful. I don't want it to be so much of an issue that my manager feels it's necessary to include it in a reference, but it is. Ugh. I hate it.
I'm worried about the cycle ride. It's not a race, it's supposed to be a fun thing, but I am so unfit. I'm worried I won't cope with it/finish it. I have six whole months to train and it's more than possible, but it feels overwhelming. It's ridiculous because some people do 56 miles no problem, but for me it's going to be a massive personal challenge given how much of a lazy git I am.
I'm really, really trying. It's not good enough though, is it?
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
You use such harsh words when describing yourself. You are definitely not 'completely incapable' you do achieve lots of things daily, maybe not things that you see as a big deal but they are a big deal. You have taken on some really challenging things, well done for pushing yourself, if they are too challenging it's ok to step back in some way. I think it's really easy to get caught up in worries about new things that will be happening and things that are outside your comfort zone but I bet you could find solutions for some things that might come up. Really, really trying is more than good enough. YOU are more than good enough. I understand what it's like to be critical of yourself and I know it can be hard to challenge but I hope you can give yourself at least a bit of credit and comfort.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I had an appointment with my CC today and a CPN came with her. The CPN is taking over from my CC. They said it's because my behaviours can be life threatening and I need someone with a professional registration to oversee things, so they think I'd be better off supported by a band 6 (my CC is a band 4.)
I don't see my behaviours as life threatening. I was suicidal in July/August and hurt myself a bit a couple of months ago or something, but the suicide was the first time in four years and the self harm the first time in 18 months. I feel so sad. Not really sad because my CC is changing; I knew that it'd happen at some point because professional relationships aren't forever, but sad because of the reasons why she's changing. I feel like I'm too much. Like I'm too complicated or too overbearing or just... Too something. You know?
Fuck sake. I don't want any of this.
“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.
*hugs if ok* I can see why it would be difficult to hear that. Health and illness can feel like such a defining thing in life and when your support needs to be tailored due to risk factors it can be like illness is all you are defined by. I don't think you're too anything, it's not your fault that you have periods of being really unwell and that your treatment team think they need to offer you a different level of support. This doesn't need to be a bad thing, maybe a change of CC would be beneficial especially since they could have more skills and options available to them than your previous CC. Lots of people need the support that you need, you are not a burden or a huge horrible person who no one can deal with. They must care about you to want to give you the support that they think is right for you at this time. This doesn't mean that you won't ever be able to step down or step away from support. You are a good person.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
