From the age of nine up until now (fifteen) I have been beaten with belts, wooden spoons, wooden paddles, electrical cords, and hands(fists or otherwise).
My hands have been held over heat and flame to encourage me to not play with matches (despite me never doing so)
I have almost been kidnapped/encouraged to meet with unknown adults in private and secluded areas to engage in sexual activity in exchange for things like candy
I've been objectified and sexualized and demeaned by close friends for mental health issues.
I've recently found out the only man I ever recognized as a nice adult and parental figure was not my dad and is possibly deceased.
I have cut myself and attempted suicide on multiple occasions aswell as starved myself.
I am vitamin deficient and often spend extended time in my room.
I am hypersexual but i often refuse the idea of intimacy with others. I am touch starved aswell as touch repulsed.
I spend most of my waking hours drowning my own thoughts out with music, drawing, and writing. I am often forgetful and neglect self care and school work.
I had just gotten out of the hospital a week before school started and have had several breakdowns in class. The most was 6 (or 1 on and off through the day)
I often find my heart racing and it feels like my guts are moving when i enter class and attend school for the day. I sit near the back of classrooms to avoid confict, although i often find myself the target of spitballs and stares.
When I am in an environment, the less people there are the better I work, which is why during tests I am often in a room with less then 5 students and i am given extended time because I get burnout easily.
When I come home I find myself drained. I often skip meals, strip myself to my undergarments and go straight to bed and wake up somewhere in the middle of the night. I often then play music and cry.
I recently have lost therapeutic privelleges because when i broke up with a terrible person i found it that they were reaching out to me through new accounts every month so i often missed sessions avoiding my devices (because of quarrentine that's how i access most stuff now) I often don't attend classes because they are adamant on cameras.
I feel so nauseous and tired and the only think I've been looking forward two is getting a utility knife to cut myself with.
One of my friends used me sexually and because i was unable to say no verbally and would often stumble over words and change subjects only for him to bring me back to the ones I'm avoiding and because he doesn't "pick up on non-verbal cues" his words, he doesn't understand exactly what he did wrong. He often avoids contact with me because i generally breakdown during such conversations. he says he feels guilty but then continuously says he doesn't;t exactly get what he did wrong.
I also find myself wishing I were still in these terrible relationships because at least I know these individuals and whats coming and. that they're going to hurt me
kind and caring relationships scare me to death almost because I don't know whats coming
like flinching when a parent raises their arm cause they've hit you a lot in the past
i dunno this is a big mess i wanted to get it all out i don't know what to do anymore and my body hurts and my mind is racing and i hate him and all those adults and i wish i was normal and lived a normal life and even what happened to me i wouldn't wish on my worse enemy
Last edited by lituratesweets : 18-11-2020 at 12:07 AM.
Reason: forgot something
I just want you to know that these boards are slow, and you posted when the majority of the members, who live in the UK, are asleep. So if you don't get a response for a while, or even a few days, it's no reflection of you or anything you said.
It does sound like you've been dealing with a lot. I think it was incredibly brave of you to share with us.
Is the place where you live and your access to internet currently safe? I'm mainly asking because with so much going on, I don't want you to be in danger by having posted here.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Hey. I don't really have words, but we have had some experiences in common, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it must be incredibly difficult. I have so much hope for you, though, and faith that you can survive this. Living though something like you are is so incredibly difficult and I know for myself I didn't expect to hit adulthood, but here I am at 28 still kicking, and while I can't make promises, I can tell you things are so much better than they used to be. Once you are safe, it will be a lot more possible to learn how to engage in safe, healthy relationships, and you absolutely are capable of learning that. It's hard work, and I won't lie about that, but things can get so much better.
I'm assuming this is something you've considered, but I do feel like I need to just mention that so much of what is happening to you is not okay and you may be able to get help, if that's something you feel able to do. I also understand that it may not be. I'm assuming you're more looking for support than direct advice right now, so please don't take this as me pressuring you on what to do, but I just wouldn't feel right not saying that.
Please take care of yourself, you deserve so much more than this.
Space Invaders
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