completely lost

washedoutdreamer · 17-12-2011, 07:45 AM

I'm at a total loss of what to do.
I'm just completely lost.
Deep down I know I have a problem.
Deep, deep down I know I have an ed
Or at least ed behaviours.
But I can't get myself tp really admit it.
I can't even really believe it.
And I know I don't want this to be my life.
But I don't even know how to believe it
Let alone let someone help me with it.
And it scares me.
It scares me that I don't believe it
That I believe it less and less.
Because I'm really trying to surface it
To say I have a problem
To know it.
But I'm so far in denial that I can rationalize it all.
What I'm doing makes sense to me.
I don't feel sick.
I don't feel like I'm hurting my body.
I feel safe.
I feel safe doing what I'm doing.
And none of what I'm doing should make sense...
But it does.
Restricting and tracking and exercise and purging...
I can make sense of all of it.
And I'm completely lost...
Because how do I get out of this hole
That seems to be getting deeper and deeper
If I don't even believe I'm in a hole
And the only part of me that knows anything is wrong is so small
And seems to be getting smaller.
I'm so lost.

Hevs · 17-12-2011, 10:17 AM

I wish i had some advice but i dont right now, though i understand how you feel and you can chat to me anytime.
please keep strong and take care. x

Buttercup. · 17-12-2011, 11:57 PM

You know my thoughts on this babe. I love you xoxox

washedoutdreamer · 18-12-2011, 07:32 AM

I just don't understand how I can know and not know at the same time.
How I can be in denial and realize I'm in denial and still not recognize that this is a problem.
I stepped on the scale today
Not even an accurate scale
And ancient one my parents keep in the kitchen for no reason.
And it wasn't what I expected.
And I didn't think it was bad....I was just surprised.
And I don't know why I even did it.
I've been making a conscious effort to not weigh myself.
Because I hate all the numbers.
I really do.
But at the same time the numbers are comforting...
Even if they're not what I want or expected.
I don't make any sense.
I just suck.
I know I have a problem but I don't know it at all...
Seriously?
Wow.
I must be really idiotic to pull that one off.
Admitting it is the first step?
Well apparently I'm too dumb to have knowing I'm in denial make me no longer in denial.
I just suck.

Hevs · 18-12-2011, 08:59 AM

hey, you are not idiotic and you do not suck. I think i kind of know what you mean cos i tend to know what im doing to my body but at the same time it doesnt always feel like a problem. is that what you mean? It can be so confusing i know.
do you have any freinds or family who know what you are going through hun?

Buttercup. · 18-12-2011, 09:06 AM

Sorry we haven't talked much today lovebug. I hope you're okay. I can't remember when your next appointment with your counselor is, but you should definitely mention this to him.

But girl, I'm really proud of you for everything lately. Keep making daily goals. You should tell your counselor about the daily goals, he'd definitely be proud of that.

washedoutdreamer · 18-12-2011, 04:05 PM

Next appointment is Tuesday.
I'm just so scared to say anything.
Because I mean...
When I was in the hospital last year...
My mom actually said it was because I said something dumb...
She didn't think I was actually going to kill myself
Or that I wanted to.
She always does that
Says I'm not as crazy as I think I am.
I'm always scared people are going to think I'm exaggerating
Or making things up.
Or that they'll just be like...
Well don't do that.
Because I've gotten that to
From the Health Center last spring
And when the dean said that about me to Mark
About self injury.
And when the nurse practioner said I was doing it for attention
When I had worked there Fall and Spring semester
And noone had any idea.
I don't get it.
I don't know how I'm supposed to work through denial
Or tell anyone anything anymore.
A majority of the time....
People say all those things.
Noone wants to hear about it because it's my fault
And I'm making it a big deal when it's not.
I want attention.
I'm exaggerating.
I should just stop.
****.
****.
****.
It's like what does all that teach me?
I'm not allowed to have problems.
And if I do...SHUT UP.
Because it's MY problem
And it's MY fault
And I shouod just ****ing stop.

Buttercup. · 19-12-2011, 01:32 AM

*hugs*
Your mom is in denial. Of course she doesn't want to see her baby hurting. But in all fairness, you haven't really sat down and had a conversation about what you feel and struggle with, have you? (Sorry if I'm wrong.) A note could help too.

washedoutdreamer · 19-12-2011, 01:37 AM

Right now...it doesn't even feel worth it anymore.

little.ophelia · 19-12-2011, 02:11 AM

it is worth it. i promise it is. i wish i had something better than that for you... but it really, really is.
<3

washedoutdreamer · 20-12-2011, 12:36 AM

I just.
I'm so frustrated with everything.
I over drew my bank account.
I'm conflicted about Christmas.
And I don't know what to do anymore.
It like exhausts me to even try anymore.
And today my mom accused me of losing weight.
And I have.
It's not that she's wrong.
I denied it.
But that's not the point.
I just.
I wanted to scream.
Shutupshutupshutup.
Like I don't even want anyone to notice I have a body.
Or weight.
Or anything.
And I don't know.
I'm just so frustrated
And tired
And not ready.
Maybe I'm not ready to recover.
Because if I have trouble admitting it...
How the hell am I gonna stop?
I don't know anymore.

Buttercup. · 20-12-2011, 01:04 AM

I wish I had advice babe. Just please be careful. You know and have seen the physical consequences of continuing this way. I love you a lot.