I would tell you not to pin everything on the MDT meeting but that would be hypocritical. Let's just say, hopefully some good will come of it. Try not to be afraid of trying new things, or indeed old things. Things that didn't work 5 years ago might help now.
I don't have any hope anyway. I was thinking and crying last night because every time I have reached out for help recently I haven't been offered any. Even though I phoned Duty ages ago because I couldn't cope and they spoke to the two psychs they just concluded that I should use my coping mechanisms. Then seeing my psych and being told to tell myself the other world is due to my mental health problems which also wasn't helpful I can't see the results of the MDT being any different.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
The MDT isn't actually until the afternoon so my CPN had no news. He said there's no way I'll be admitted to hospital. He said he wants to help me but then said it's up to me to build a base not medication. I need to be stronger on the right meds before I can start to do things. He said it's up to me if I take my Lurasidone or not and it's my responsibility to take my meds properly so maybe I shouldn't be on daily dispense. He'd just allow me to be unsafe. He said I can call him but also I've not to rely on him. I won't call him anyway. I said how distressed and suicidal I am but he didn't ask if I was safe. He said maybe I'm not clinically depressed if antidepressants don't help but they do help to an extent. He doesn't want to talk much about how I'm feeling he wants me to have a general chat with him. He wants to go for coffee and walks but I need to talk about how I'm feeling. It's the only time I get to talk things through. He called me uptight. He said I should do normal things like get a job. Does he seriously think I could work right now? I knew he didn't understand me. He said that things have changed in the past week and the men were gone before. He's been off for about 3 weeks. He said he has had regular contact with me but I rarely saw him before he went off. He asked if I believe he wants to help me.
I don't know what will happen when I hit my usual desperate point this evening. I knew I'd be in the same position as I was yesterday. I feel like my CPN and probably everyone else doesn't think I'm unwell. Nothing is ever going to be ok. If only I could kill myself. People keep asking me for support and I keep giving support and that's ok but I just wish people would support me back sometimes. I feel so alone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
He legit called you uptight? In what context? And where did he get his medical degree from if he thinks it's his job to tell you whether or not you have depression. Goodness me. I'd like to call him up and give him a piece of my mind :P
Do you feel able to communicate that a 'general chat' isn't what you need when you see him?
Regarding supporting people and them not supporting back - that's exhausting. Have you been explicit with these people that you're supporting that you are also having a difficult time and would benefit from their support?
He just said I come across as uptight and when I said people actually think I'm quite funny he laughed and said he'll wait to see that. I did tell him that I need to talk about how I'm feeling not have a general chat but I can't remember how he responded but he didn't change his mind anyway.
No, I don't really say to people that I need support too. I just say a bit if they ask how I am. I'm not good at asking for support.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
In spite of how difficult it can be, i Think you shouldn't listen too much to his opinion seeing as he hasn't known you for very long and he has not spoken to you a lot of times. I Think sometimes when new cpn's are assigned people who have been needing long term support, they are sometimes eager to prove that a different approach would make a lot of positive change. And that is not in anyway a reflection on you and your needs, Lindsay. It's mostly just proof that even professional people can be stupid and biased.
He sounds a bit naive or a bit preoccupied with his tough-loving approach. I've had people like him before and for some sort of people, they are very effective. But mostly for people that struggle with motivation without having too much other stuff to deal with.
I just wanted to say that it's not you, Lindsay. He does Sound like a bit of an asshat….
He's probably trying to be helpful and I'm just being my usual overly sensitive self. But he doesn't feel very supportive despite saying he wants to help. I don't know if that will ever change. It's probably just me being a bitch. I've heard nothing so far about the outcome of the MDT if they even decided to do something for me. If they even spoke about me.
Last night was terrible. I was crying loads and going through suicide methods trying to figure out which one I could do that would actually kill me. They all seem uncertain. I ended up posting on Fb. It was bed time and I kept begging myself to stop crying and go to sleep because sleep is the only time I can get away from this hell. I was awake crying for ages. I deleted the Fb post this morning but not before my stalker brother saw it. He doesn't even use Fb. Maybe I can't even talk here in case he's stalking me here too. His messages have just made me feel worse. He can't deal with me. No wonder I never reach out to him. I have nowhere really to turn except on here.
I'm finding it even harder to occupy myself today. I can't focus and I don't want to do anything I have the option to do. People are talking loud outside my house and people are shouting on the football pitch.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I’m sorry everything feels so awful, I can really hear how desperate you’re feeling.
Obviously I don’t know the history with your brother but based on this incident I don’t think it’s fair to describe him as a stalker - if he’s your facebook friend and you post on your facebook there is every chance he could see it! I’m sorry that you found his messages unhelpful- did they at least tell you that he cared? Are you able to communicate to him what wasn’t helpful so that he doesn’t keep doing it?
My brother used to stalk me on here, I just feel like I have no privacy but I do get that we're both Fb friends so he might see stuff I worry that he goes out of his way to look at my stuff rather than just asking me how I am although I guess I probably wouldn't tell him much if he asked. We're just a mess. I know he cares but he can't deal with me even though I don't tell him the true extent of my struggles. He has a negative attitude too so when I need support he usually just tells me he's sick of this horrible life and I end up trying to support him but he refuses to seek out support from his GP. I feel like a horrible person.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It's hard to think that way because I had a lot of influence over how he grew up because I had to be like a parent to him and I messed up big time which is bound to be affecting him now.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Really though it's on your parents for raising you in a way that meant child you had to step in as a parent. Children should get to be children. You did your best in a bad situation, a situation you shouldn't have been put in.
It's understandable you would have a difficult relationship now when things were so hard when you were children. If anyone is responsible for his struggles now I would say it was your parents.
I kind of understand. It's sad though. And extra horrible because I can't protect him from anything like I have always tried to do throughout his life. He's an adult now but I think he needs some support that he's not reaching out for.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
How is it even possible to have healthy and positive relationships with people? I only manage to have ok-ish relationships with professionals (well some of them). I can't be with people for long and I find socialising overwhelming and distressing after a while. I don't even like when people text/message me continuously. It's even worse with family. I am close to my brother as I've said but it's not a good close. We have other family like cousins but I don't ever want to meet up with them. It's just too much. I am always fighting inner battles and it's hard to put on a face and I don't feel able to let down my guard a bit. Now I'm even finding it difficult to have a nice relationship with my cat! I am a failure of a partial human. Professionals don't seem to hear me any more so I don't really have those supportive relationships now. I am lonely and need people but at the same time I just can't deal with people. And I don't properly have the men or the followers any more. I'm so low and distressed with everything in general and there aren't people I can turn to. I'm still waiting for my CPN to phone me to say if anything was discussed about me at the MDT last Wednesday. The people at the chemist said I look calm and fine which is why people probably don't sort out support for me quickly. I can only express myself through words that seem to make no sense to anyone and never explain the severity of what I'm going through. I am alone even when I am communicating with people.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Still heard nothing about the MDT. I'm not phoning anyone so my CPN must think I'm fine. Just because I no longer overdose etc I must not be distressed. EUPD is also not considered to be a disorder that really requires meds so I guess it doesn't matter about my need for meds to help with anxiety, depression and the other world stuff. They're not real biological/MH issues that can be helped with meds. Something like bipolar would be different. People don't want to help, maybe there just is no way to help although I do feel like meds have been really useful. My words are not enough. My CPN interrupts me when I'm trying to explain how I'm feeling and what's been going on. He will think I'm doing really well because I'm trying the walking group and he might push me further. He's already told me to do normal things like get a job. I don't understand why he can't see how much I'm struggling. Other professionals in the past have understood. I can't go back to overdosing etc because of the barrier in my brain no matter how much I still want to do these things. I have to kill myself because I can't deal with being on my own due to not being understood. I thought my words were good enough to communicate with but they are now failing me and they are all that I have.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
