Contains sexual abuse - Sexual abuse/harrasment or nothing?
Hi, so...so I've been dealing with myself for a long while now, from when I first came to the forum. I have been raped once and then also since seeing my grandfather again after 5 years of avoiding him, I had panic attacks and flashbacks about him. Still don't know what to do with those, so I'm taking my time and doing online group therapy meanwhile.
But ...therapy is confusing me.
Since I started it, I started reading more. Definitions, symptoms of abuse and all that. I thought I had been honest with myself about my sexual history, but reading the definitions confuses me. Here is why:
(please don't read further if you are triggered by more graphic explanations)
If fingering considered rape? This is or assault? Or simply harrassment? When does it count for non-consensual? I mean when you are going to have sex, you can say you don't want that, but fingering confuses me.
For one thing, this is what I remember my grandfather doing, and I keep thinking it's not a big deal, but I also remember blood afterwards, and being told not to tell anyone (i didn't). I also had a panic attack and completely froze when my period came for a first time, even though my mom had explain what it is. A part of me was thinking it's okay, and the rest of me was thinking- it's happening again, no one should know. I hid it from my mom until i could.
That, if I'm not wrong, would be at least harrasment. Either way, I'm still shaky about those memories. I'd gladly think I made them up, if I could. But I talked to therapist and explained the reactions I have when I think I have flashbacks, how long and how it felt in detail, and she said the body doesn't make such reactions from nothing. Either way.
The other thing isn't that much of a thing. About half a year after I was raped I was "fooling around" with a guy. I was trying to prove to myself that nothing happened and therefore I can have casual sex or whatever it may end up, if I want to. I panicked and told the guy I'm freaking out and can't. It was understood that there will be no sex, but he kept trying to convince me or "ease me" or something for a while, by kissing me, touching himself and trying to touch me more. I kept pushing him away and saying I can't do that then. We were trying to discover if we may be dating or should we stay only friends at the time, so I didn't want to ruin it by telling him to leave. So I just kept trying to get him to stop what he was doing so that we can talk or go do something else, like movie may be. I kept panicking and trying not to show it, except to make it clear that he should stay away. Before he finally got the message and left (frustrated and angry) he actually did finger me for a while with me saying no and pushing him and trying to force his fingers out of me. He only stopped when I really started panicking. Before that it was like he didn't hear me at all. Is that harrassment or just bad judgement on my part because of my past?
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