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Old 17-03-2014, 02:28 PM   #1
Truth&OtherDisasters
 
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Contains sexual abuse - Sexual abuse/harrasment or nothing?

Hi, so...so I've been dealing with myself for a long while now, from when I first came to the forum. I have been raped once and then also since seeing my grandfather again after 5 years of avoiding him, I had panic attacks and flashbacks about him. Still don't know what to do with those, so I'm taking my time and doing online group therapy meanwhile.
But ...therapy is confusing me.

Since I started it, I started reading more. Definitions, symptoms of abuse and all that. I thought I had been honest with myself about my sexual history, but reading the definitions confuses me. Here is why:
(please don't read further if you are triggered by more graphic explanations)
If fingering considered rape? This is or assault? Or simply harrassment? When does it count for non-consensual? I mean when you are going to have sex, you can say you don't want that, but fingering confuses me.
For one thing, this is what I remember my grandfather doing, and I keep thinking it's not a big deal, but I also remember blood afterwards, and being told not to tell anyone (i didn't). I also had a panic attack and completely froze when my period came for a first time, even though my mom had explain what it is. A part of me was thinking it's okay, and the rest of me was thinking- it's happening again, no one should know. I hid it from my mom until i could.
That, if I'm not wrong, would be at least harrasment. Either way, I'm still shaky about those memories. I'd gladly think I made them up, if I could. But I talked to therapist and explained the reactions I have when I think I have flashbacks, how long and how it felt in detail, and she said the body doesn't make such reactions from nothing. Either way.
The other thing isn't that much of a thing. About half a year after I was raped I was "fooling around" with a guy. I was trying to prove to myself that nothing happened and therefore I can have casual sex or whatever it may end up, if I want to. I panicked and told the guy I'm freaking out and can't. It was understood that there will be no sex, but he kept trying to convince me or "ease me" or something for a while, by kissing me, touching himself and trying to touch me more. I kept pushing him away and saying I can't do that then. We were trying to discover if we may be dating or should we stay only friends at the time, so I didn't want to ruin it by telling him to leave. So I just kept trying to get him to stop what he was doing so that we can talk or go do something else, like movie may be. I kept panicking and trying not to show it, except to make it clear that he should stay away. Before he finally got the message and left (frustrated and angry) he actually did finger me for a while with me saying no and pushing him and trying to force his fingers out of me. He only stopped when I really started panicking. Before that it was like he didn't hear me at all. Is that harrassment or just bad judgement on my part because of my past?

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Old 17-03-2014, 04:25 PM   #2
bitomato
 
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Hi hon,
First off I am really sorry that this is happening to you. I am not clear if you are still in individual therapy. If not, I do think that these issues are serious enough to need to talk to someone regularly. There are also support groups (not online) for victims of incest and assault. Did you ever tell anyone besides your therapist about what your grand father did to you? Depending on the laws in your country I am unsure what "legally" the terms are for what happened to you: i.e. rape, sexual assault or indecent assault.... However, in both instances it sounds like you were violated and you did not deserve for that to happen. As a family member, what your grand father did was wrong. You will need to make choices about who to tell, but I do not think that you should ever force yourself to be around him alone if at all.
Regarding your potential partner, men and women are considered different but I still think that does not justify what he did. If you are not comfortable with penetration- any other sort of "otherness" does not make it any less traumatic. It is not something to rush- especially with your background of abuse and you do not owe him anything. Any romantic partner needs to respect you enough to wait and not do anything where you are mentally blocking out what it happening to you or disassociating in order to "cope". So what if he was frustrated- if he genuinely cares about you, sex is just one aspect of your relationship that you will build up towards when the time is right. It may include having your future partner go to counselling with you first so that you can discuss your concerns in a safe space.
I am not a medical doctor- so I can only speak from my experience. I considered it molestation as a minor or assault; and I expect in a relationship that my partner would be sensitive to my anxieties and protests. Remember you do not owe any one anything. It is okay to have boundaries. However, please talk to someone who can give you better advice specific to your circumstance.


Last edited by bitomato : 17-03-2014 at 04:32 PM.




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Old 07-04-2014, 12:23 AM   #3
littlemonster11
 
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Hey there,

I'm so sorry this is all going on. It sounds like you've been having a really rough time lately. I'm not sure where all the technical definitions apply for certain acts of sexual abuse, but I do know that the abuse you've experienced by your grandpa is causing you emotional pain, regardless of whether it's under any specific label. I strongly recommend continuing therapy.
Also, the guy you were fooling around with sounds like a jerk. Anyone you are involved with intimately should respect your boundaries and you. Don't feel like it's your fault he became angry or that he left and it's not poor judgment on your part. It was sexual harassment, period.
If you need to talk, feel free to message me... you are not alone. <3
Stay safe!

Allison



Success is not final.
Failure is not fatal.
It is the courage to continue that counts.
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