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Old 14-02-2018, 04:16 PM   #1
Stephanie787
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Really Need Some Advice

Hello. I was hoping to receive some advice in relation to a situation I am experiencing with my mom as I am basically at a loss on what to do at this point. My mom and I have always been extremely close, doing everything together, always spending time together, we were basically best friends. When I graduated high school and started college, I met the love of my life and we started dating. Ever since then, my mom has had jealous feelings towards my girlfriend. When we first started dating, I never stayed at my girlfriend's house because I felt bad about leaving my mom at home by herself so my girlfriend would always have to come over and spend weekends at my mom and my house. Also whenever my mom, girlfriend, and I went somewhere together or did something together, if my girlfriend gave me a hug, then my mother would have to hug me immediately after. Or if my girlfriend touched my arm, then my mom had to touch my arm immediately after as well.

Eventually my girlfriend moved in with my mother and I, but things only got worse. Whenever I tried to spend time with my girlfriend, my mother always wanted to be around and go places with us and if we didn't take her with us, then when we arrived back home, my mom would be laying on the couch crying because she felt lonely. She started always acting depressed and as if I had abandoned her even though my girlfriend and I always went everywhere with my mom, we actually rarely ever went out together without my mom being present. We would also constantly have heated arguments between the three of us mostly having to do with my girlfriend being fed up with the situation with my mother always following us around and acting jealous as she would say this isn't normal, and then my mother would say things like "well, she's MY daughter." This went on for quite some time until my girlfriend and I decided to get married and move out which only caused even more issues between my mom and I.

When we first moved to an apartment, my mom actually started sleeping on the couch of our apartment and only going back to her house once a week just to check up on the house, but she spent most of her time in our apartment. The apartment was a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom. We used one bedroom for my wife and I and the other bedroom was my office. My mom stayed with us, sleeping on the couch, for about 4 months until she finally asked my wife if she could make space in the office's closet so that she could put her clothes in there. That was the final straw for my wife and she told my mom that she had to go. Now I know that wasn't the nicest way she could have told her, but at this point my mom was really driving us both insane. So my mother moved back to her house but about a year later decided to sell her house because she did not want to live there by herself anymore. My wife immediately thought that the reason my mother was doing this was to force me to have to let her move in with us because she had nowhere to go, but my mom said she was going to stay with a roommate instead.

A couple of months went by and she managed to sell the house, but then she got into an argument with her roommate who told her she could not stay with her anymore. My mother did not tell me anything about this, and instead started calling family friends telling them that she was sleeping in her car because I would not let her move in with us. When those friends called me and started accusing me of being a horrible daughter, I was shocked to hear about this and immediately called my mom who said she didn't tell me anything because she didn't want to bother me or cause issues between my wife and I. I felt horrible at this point, but my mom was apparently living with another roommate now so there was no point in asking her to move in with us.

Now my wife and I have bought a house, we have very successful careers, our pets, and are living a wonderful life, all at the age of 25. Many parents would be proud to have a daughter accomplish all of this at such an early age, but my mom continues to act this way. She comes over 2 days a week and we try to spend several weekends with her as well. We invite her to go places with us, but whenever she goes anywhere with us, she is always depressed and acting as if she's a victim. She manages to guilt trip me without really saying anything because I feel like she sacrificed so much for me raising me as a single mother just for me to "abandon" her when I got married and moved out. She constantly reminds me that when I was a child, I used to say that I would never move out and I would stay with her forever, but I was a child, I didn't know any better. I also remind her that many kids move to other states when they move out, but I made sure to stay 30 mins from where she lives and always invite her over 2 times a week. We do argue a lot, and I wish we didn't, but nowadays I don't even enjoy spending time with her or talking to her the way I used to before because of how she reacts. I know I probably shouldn't feel this way, but I'm at a loss right now and really hope you have some sort of advice for me. My wife hasn't been the nicest person towards my mom, but she tries and fails because of my mom's constant attitude towards her, and at this point, I even feel like avoiding my mom but I can't do that because I really want our relationship to be the way it used to be before all of this happened where I could talk to her and spend time with her and have her act normal. Thank you for taking the time to read through this, I really appreciate any advice you may have to offer.

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Old 17-02-2018, 12:54 PM   #2
Pi.R^2
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Wow, I'm guessing your mum has some issues, but the way that she has acted is incredibly dysfunctional and I'm surprised you've managed to put up with it for so long!

What do you think would happen if you told her that if she didn't tone down the possessiveness/jealous, you wouldn't make as much of an effort to see her because her behaviour is making your time together not enjoyable? I wonder if something like that might shock her into being a bit more grown up about the situation. Another option would be to suggest that she has some counselling to work through her possessive jealously?



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