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Old 15-04-2019, 07:37 PM   #1261
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I would like to say something useful but I'll send u a hug instead. I really hope you find something positive in your life and I'm also sure your brother is better for having you with him.

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Old 16-04-2019, 01:29 PM   #1262
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Thank you both. It's hard to hold onto any positives because of the negative feelings drowning me. I can see sort of positives but can't feel them.

I had an appointment with my CPN this morning. She said maybe she should try a different approach to how she has been treating me and instead of challenging my negative thoughts/behaviours she will recognise that I can make my own decisions and allow me to do so and accept things (even if it's self harm I choose). She said she has to justify continuing to work with me so goals are always going to be around to move towards. The thing is I really don't believe I can move forward and I don't want my support to end just because I can't achieve lots of stuff. I still need support but everything is always recovery focused and that's actually quite hard for me. I wish someone would be there for me without any expectations of what I should be doing. My CPN said she does think I have made progress and that she's not thinking of discharging me. I guess I am taking up resources that could be better used by someone else. I need to face up to that and let people discharge me. It just hurts to be on my own with things, my CPN is my anchor. There is nothing for people who are isolated and find personal relationships difficult.

I hate that life is full of moving forward pressure, and since I'm using services there is more of a focus on what I'm achieving or not achieving. I sound selfish and lazy, I know. I'm terrified of everything in life and my overwhelming emotions. I'm not equipped to be a human. I feel like my MH problems affect pretty much all aspects of my life but then I'm not psychotic etc so people think I have an easier time and I can control everything. My CPN said that since I don't always use self harm for pain or relief or to feel something etc, but that I just want to damage myself, then that's not my MH that is causing that. So, if I was mentally well I'd still want to cause myself damage? I totally understand that I have a lot of control over my behaviours but I feel like the impact of my mental health problems can sometimes be minimised by other people. I totally sound like I'm trying to say I am the most ill person ever, I'm not saying that, I'm sorry. Life is hard for all humans, I don't think I could deal with life even without MH problems. I am going to have to get on with suicide, just be brave, because I can't keep wasting resources but I also can't deal with life without professional support.

I'm going to be on my own with everything even more than I already am. There is too much pain inside of me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-04-2019, 03:58 PM   #1263
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I'm feeling totally drained by compassion for other people right now, been crying for a while. I know I should now be compassionate towards myself but, nope. I am doing nothing to stop all the bad things that are happening in the world. There is so much heartache that I can't seem to prevent. I am sorry that everyone is hurting. I even just want to be able to let people know that I am sorry about their pain. I have the stress control class this evening so I hope I'll be able to hold things together for the friend I'm going with. I feel sad for the psychologist who is taking the class (my previous psychologist) because he won't have much time for himself this evening, but maybe he likes doing it. All these people who give to other people. So kind. So kind to me too even though I don't deserve it.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 16-04-2019, 04:01 PM   #1264
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You are not responsible for saving the world! You do deserve happiness yourself though.

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Old 16-04-2019, 06:21 PM   #1265
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I hope the class goes ok tonight. Compassion for other people is good but you have to have it for yourself too. It isn't your responsibility to take on everyone else's heartache and fix it. I wish I could do something to make things better for you.

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Old 17-04-2019, 07:01 PM   #1266
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Thank you both.

I left mega early for the stress control class because I felt like I needed to get out. I was going to sit and read but it was busy and I was really anxious so I ended up sitting outside for about an hour. I felt more upset because it reminded me of school (it's at the leisure centre next to the school) and of wishing a teacher would pass and help me and of the parallels of wishing a nurse in hospital would talk to me. Waiting and no one comes. The psychologist taking the class (my previous psychologist) passed and said hi and I felt further upset because it was like I had been waiting for him too and wanted him to see I wasn't ok but he didn't. I couldn't focus much on the class. I felt like when the end came I was going to have to get on with suicide. I wanted to thank the two psychologists for doing the class during their evening so I said it at the end of the class. My previous psychologist said he loves doing it and he said he's incredibly fucking proud of me for coming because he knows it must be hard for me. I think he asked how I am and I said not great and he said 'yet you're here.' I stood there stupidly for a while before saying goodbye. I'm worried that he might have thought I expected a session from him. I was trying especially hard to be quick because it was the evening. I do wish he had noticed how low I am but I'm not his patient any more and it was the end of his working day. I walked home and cried a bit and thought about suicide and self harm and that I probably won't be able to achieve those things so I'm stuck with this pain.

I got home and decided to phone the informal crisis team really only thinking I could say hello and hear a human but not get much else from it. I hung up a couple of times but then managed to talk. The worker persevered with talking to me and it was more helpful than it has been recently. I was thinking about self harming but felt able not to after the call. I just made some repetitive humming noises.

I'm so tired of this fight.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-04-2019, 07:29 PM   #1267
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It's really good you went I can only imagine how hard it must have been. And I'm glad talking to the crisis team helped and you managed not to self harm. Constantly fighting is tough but you keep doing it which is the most important thing.

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Old 17-04-2019, 08:47 PM   #1268
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Well done for phoning and for not self harming.

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Old 17-04-2019, 08:54 PM   #1269
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You should be incredibly fucking proud of yourself as well. And if you aren't, then I am proud for you - for going to the class, talking to the person on the phone and also for not harming.

I also liked what Natsy said:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natsy2512 View Post
Constantly fighting is tough but you keep doing it which is the most important thing.

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Old 19-04-2019, 06:50 PM   #1270
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Thank you all.

Something was going on with one of the people at the gym group and the worker was talking to her lots and I felt upset at her suffering. I had an appointment with my support worker afterwards and she thinks I need to look after myself to help lessen the impact of my compassion for others. I told her about being suicidal. She thinks it's just because of my mood at the moment but low moods make up most of my days so that's not an important point. She said I can phone the CPNs who are on duty over the holiday weekend if I need to. I'm not seriously unwell so I probably shouldn't.

I don't want to be alive. There could be so much more for me to breathe through. I need someone. The men have been drilling into my ear today, but they're not telling me what to do. I want to properly hurt myself.

I need to decode the messages in my tinnitus. I have no idea how to do this or how to stop me subconsciously hearing whatever the messages are. It's scary and dangerous. I couldn't even try and damage my ears or something because tinnitus is a brain thing. Just die you idiot.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 20-04-2019, 06:15 PM   #1271
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I did lots of research about decoding tinnitus and stuff yesterday but didn't find any useful info. I probably need to die to stop the loop. I would consider phoning the informal crisis team to talk through things but when I was out earlier the two workers passed in a car and waved to me so I'd be worried that they might think I look fine and was just phoning because I had seen them. They're not going to give me the answers I need anyway.

Absolute terror of continuing to exist in whatever form I exist. How many more days?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-04-2019, 05:10 PM   #1272
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How am I supposed to exist with the truth of life hanging there? There are only so many distractions and that doesn't change anything. Nothing can be made better. The clock keeps on ticking and I continue to breathe. Stop.

Remember when people said there are always people out there who have it worse than you. How does that make things any better?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-04-2019, 01:22 PM   #1273
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When I last saw my CPN a staff member came into the health centre who I recognise from my past but I can't put a firm name to her. I'm really worried that she is the person from the assessment team at the hospital who absolutely despises me. I'm thinking it might be someone else but I can't be sure. It has been worrying me especially over the past few nights and I want to phone my CPN to ask who this person is, if I can even describe her, but it's not exactly important and I'm sure my CPN will be busy after the holiday weekend. I'm not sure if I seem childish or what, if I should just grow up and accept that some people will hate me. There is another person who has been working at the health centre for a while now who was on the assessment team at the hospital but I can't really remember him that well and that also scares me because I wonder what memories he has of me. My CPN did tell me that he remembers me and he thought I would never get out of the pattern of ending up in hospital, so he was surprised maybe by how I'm doing now.

I was in Tesco and went to the self service checkouts and there was an older man who looked like he needed some help but the staff member was doing some cleaning and didn't notice him. I was almost certain that he needed help yet I didn't help him. He eventually went to a till with a person at it, who wasn't there at first. I feel so guilty that I let him stand there feeling vulnerable. I can't change it now, I will now be holding onto this guilt for a long time. I also walked past an older man when I was coming home and he was taking some money out of his wallet and I thought 'what if I steal that man's money?' not in the way that I was considering doing it but I was afraid that even though I would hope to never do anything like that I might end up doing it anyway. It's not safe for me to be around people, it's not safe for me to be alive and polluting the world.

Why did I have to be born?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-04-2019, 02:01 PM   #1274
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I'm glad you were born. I wish you didn't feel like this though.

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Old 22-04-2019, 02:48 PM   #1275
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Having bad thoughts doesn't mean you're polluting the world. It's perfectly natural to have "what if"/"I should have done this/that/the other" thoughts and doesn't mean you're unsafe to be around. I'm sure the old man at the checkout was fine and I'm sure you wouldn't have ever stolen that man's money.


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Old 22-04-2019, 06:44 PM   #1276
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Thank you both. I am more dangerous than you know.

Even hiding away from everyone wouldn't solve this because my mere existence produces poison. I am such a selfish wimp. Imagine being so dangerous and not doing anything about it. The right thing to do would be to kill myself and eliminate the evil yet I just sit here. I don't know if going back to self harming rituals would be effective any more because my self harming is causing me less damage and because the men don't tell me what to do much any more. I won't even kill myself to save so many people. I am disgusting. I probably won't even hide in the house because I need to get out for my own sanity. Selfish.

What is this life? Why is this life? Who are the people and who are imaginary? Why are we all so vulnerable? How the hell do I push myself to kill myself?!





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-04-2019, 07:48 PM   #1277
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Why are you so dangerous? What sort of danger are you causing?

Everyone has the potential to be very dangerous. It's the choices that people make as to whether they actually are or aren't. And I don't think you are. You've never given me any reason to believe you are nothing but a very kind, sensitive and empathic person. I see no danger there.

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Old 25-04-2019, 03:49 PM   #1278
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I think you're brave and kind. I was thinking today about things I've experienced in mental health services and witnessed other people experience and honestly, some people have absolutely no place working in caring roles. It's not you, it really isn't. I know that doesn't help much because it's so bloody unjust regardless. You're a beautiful person and your existence is important and valuable.

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Old 25-04-2019, 07:00 PM   #1279
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Thank you both.

I appear to be a kind person. (I am a kind person) but I have been evil since I was born and I hurt people without meaning to or wanting to. The men have made me aware of this for a long time and I know it's true because I see it happening around me. I did mention to my CPN at my last appointment that I recognise that I have good qualities and I do connect them to me but at the same time I can't let go of the belief that I'm fundamentally evil. I just hate myself so much. My CPN listed lots of words that she would use to describe an evil person (like cunning, cold, plotting, etc) and I let her say them all and said that describes me. Then she said what did I even say, and when I listed the words I was like no I'm not cunning no I'm not cold no I'm not plotting, etc. The specifics of evil don't fit me but the overarching word of evil does. I couldn't explain it to my CPN, I can't explain it to myself.

It is upsetting how some people in healthcare treat vulnerable people. Why is kindness and empathy and compassion so hard to show to someone who is suffering with their mental health? It seems like it's easier to do that with someone who has physical health problems but it should be the same.

I was really upset and worried and anxious near the end of the stress control class this week because the lady sitting in front of me got up and stood at the back of the room. I thought she might be distressed and I was getting myself worked up. At the end I heard her say that she had been sitting down all day and needed to stand up. So I was unnecessarily worried. I can't seem to stop it and I don't think I should stop it because she could have been distressed. If she was I likely wouldn't have done anything about it myself, and I know one of the psychologists kept looking at her so one of the facilitators would have made sure she was ok, but it's the fact of the pain that gets to me not a sense of my responsibility.

It's really sad that people might feel like I do. Like they are bad and don't deserve good things. That's not true for anyone other than me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-04-2019, 06:02 PM   #1280
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I want to bash myself to death.

I want to do myself some proper damage. I want to be violent towards myself. I cut but of course it was shit. I need to properly beat myself up. I hate myself! I need to kill myself!!! Get the fuck on with it! This needs to stop going on and on and on and for that to happen I must take action but I fucking don't! I even just want to cut well and overdose. I hate this shit. I had mental illness expression/hospital/self harm dreams again. Some of it needs to translate into reality. I am so scared and upset at losing my self harming abilities. What am I going to do?

Please don't let me be trapped here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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