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Old 04-04-2019, 06:38 PM   #1241
one_step_closer
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No, it's not a requirement of any sort. I saw my CPN today and my previous psychologist had emailed her to let her know that I had gone to the class. She's really pleased with what I've been trying since I last saw her and I said I'm planning on going back, which I am. If it gets way too much I will stop going.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-04-2019, 07:09 PM   #1242
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Take good care of yourself, Lindsay.

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Old 10-04-2019, 07:04 PM   #1243
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I went to the jewellers with my support worker on Monday to see about getting a bracelet fixed. Before we went in I said to her that I better put my fidget cube in my pocket and she said yes in a way that made me feel like it's a shameful and childish coping mechanism. I am not an adult. I am just a freak.

The stress control class this week wasn't as anxiety provoking as last week. The techniques sound like they could be useful but a lot of what is stopping me from trying out self help techniques etc is me not allowing myself to try for better well being while my brother isn't ok. And I don't think I should challenge this at all, it's not right.

There is never going to be any peace in life until my brother is well.

I want to cut my arms open.

I want to die. Please stop breathing through this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-04-2019, 10:20 AM   #1244
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Do you think you could check out with your support worker whether she was judging you? Sometimes we can think something is true but it's actually more like our judgements of ourselves. For what it's worth, I think you took control by taking something with you that could offer some grounding or soothing.

Without wishing to make you feel any more responsible for your brother than you already do, because you're definitely not, do you think you could take one of the stress reduction techniques to him and see if you can both make use of it? Or would that feel too uncomfortable?

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Old 11-04-2019, 07:09 PM   #1245
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You're not a freak at all. You're a human being who is struggling.

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Old 12-04-2019, 06:13 PM   #1246
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Thank you both.

I don't think my support worker is someone I could be that honest with. I feel like she belittles me a lot when I talk about big things that affect me negatively. I know I judge myself anyway, my CPN says I'm my own worst enemy. I use my fidget cube most of the time when I'm out or I end up doing hand movements which make me look strange so I'm going to keep going with the fidget cube anyway.

I'm always passing on techniques etc to my brother but I don't think he tries them. I will continue to share those things with him though just in case. It's hard because it's not 100% about me feeling responsible, I just can't bear to think of him hurting no matter who has caused it or who should fix it. If he had a good support network I might feel better but I also don't want to think about how he probably needs help with his mental health. I wish he was well.

I really wish to be more self destructive. I don't want to have to grieve this, I need it back. I seem to have changed quite a bit with the reactions I have to my MH issues and it doesn't feel good to me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-04-2019, 12:55 PM   #1247
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It's too bad you don't think you can be completely honest with your support worker. It's absolutely unprofessional of her to belittle you for things that affect you, I'm sorry you have to deal with it. But please, don't judge yourself based on her comments. I know it can be really hard to try and look at yourself like you would at a friend, but please try not to be too harsh on yourself, you don't deserve it. Fidget cube is a great way of dealing with anxiety, there's nothing wrong with doing it.


I'm really sorry about your brother, that must be really tough on you. Hope he gets better eventually.


I can understand craving it, but please understand that you absolutely don't need to be any more self-destructive.

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Old 13-04-2019, 03:39 PM   #1248
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Thank you.

It's most likely my interpretations of things that make her seem belittling, I do think that sometimes she is just trying to put a positive spin on everything but I need some acknowledgement of how hard things are rather than solely focusing on what I'm doing ok at or what is supposedly 'normal'.

I sometimes try to be kind to myself in a roundabout way. If I'm putting myself down and I get irritated about it I will say shut the f up you...multiple put downs. That's most of the time but there are times when I feel too low and too tired to get angry with myself and I sometimes repeat 'it's ok' and that makes me feel slightly disgusted with myself.

A staff member said thank you to me in Aldi when I didn't really do anything except slow down a bit to let him move his pulley thingy, and I nearly cried because I was thinking that people shouldn't thank me for anything especially for nothing and that I don't deserve anything good. I really hate myself.

My CPN thinks my self harm isn't the same as it used to be because of scar tissue and stuff, which makes me feel quite sad because there are not enough scars on my body and I need more but what if I can't create any more? I'm sick of myself. I want to let go and do something risky at least. I am far too quiet these days.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 13-04-2019, 06:06 PM   #1249
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Can you please explain what exactly makes you feel like you need to create more scars?

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Old 13-04-2019, 06:23 PM   #1250
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I want to. I want physical damage caused by myself. I just miss proper self harm really, it has been a part of my life for so long. All of my self damaging and risky behaviours seem to have reduced and it feels weird and wrong and not like my life. I don't like it. Good self harm to me would be an achievement and I'm only interested in that kind of achievement not 'positive' stuff. I have very mentally ill dreams and I wish I could express myself as easily in real life.

I listened to a compassion focused therapy breathing exercise recording last night that my previous psychologist had recorded, just to listen but not do the exercise. It was another thing that led to me thinking that I really don't deserve compassion from myself or others. I need to stop breathing through this. I need to die. I can't keep being stuck here, there is no positive future it will only be worse than ever.

But I need someone. It hurts that I'm not really allowed to need people because I'm an adult. I've to learn to give myself everything I need. Childish bitch, grow up.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-04-2019, 05:51 PM   #1251
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I've been feeling low most of the day again. I realise I'm very lucky that I don't have any huge responsibilities to attend to. I want to hurt myself but haven't so far and I know I'd be shit at it anyway. I need to find a method of self harm that I can do well enough.

Last night I was thinking about good things vs me. I know what good qualities are and I can see that I have some good qualities but I sort of separate them from me. I can't let go of feeling like I'm evil even though I contain lots of non-evil attributes.

I ache that people are kind to me but of course it hurts more when people are horrible to me and I don't want people to be horrible to me even though I feel like I deserve it. I am greedy and selfish and not brave enough to face what I deserve.

There are jumbles of thoughts and behaviours etc that I feel like they should be in tidy categories. The thoughts and behaviours are like patterns, repetition, controlled order, etc. I don't know if they just fit under the label of 'anxiety' or what. I need explanations. I have wondered about Aspergers but there's no one I feel comfortable mentioning it to.

Life is terrifying and I don't feel like a human. I need guidance from the men but everything I get from them these days is confusing, unclear, and minimal. I'm too tired to fully attempt to initiate communication.

There's no one I can talk to, nothing I can say, and nothing that will help me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-04-2019, 07:09 PM   #1252
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I wish I could say something helpful.

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Old 14-04-2019, 08:32 PM   #1253
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Leaving love, which you do deserve.

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Old 15-04-2019, 01:25 PM   #1254
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Thank you both.

I phoned the informal crisis team last night knowing that there was nothing they or anyone could do. I spoke to my old key worker and felt lower with every passing moment because it just confirmed that I was right about there being nothing that anyone can do. Now I will have to be alone because it's pointless phoning anyone and it's pointless using Breathing Space online chat too. It's scary that there is no relief.

I thought a lot about different forms of self harm and one that is less controllable by me and might end up completely messing me up but it's tempting. I do these kind of things in my dreams and they don't hurt but I know it would hurt in reality. There seems to be no solution to anything but I need to start taking bigger steps towards more serious self harm working up to suicide.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-04-2019, 02:26 PM   #1255
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You don't need to work towards suicide, life can get better. I can't promise when but it can. I'm sorry you're suffering.

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Old 15-04-2019, 03:12 PM   #1256
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There will never be a day when my brother is healthy and happy and content with life, so my life will never be ok either. I don't even want an ok life. I don't want life full stop.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-04-2019, 04:35 PM   #1257
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Why can't that happen for your brother? Sorry for being dense.

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Old 15-04-2019, 05:43 PM   #1258
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What do you think your brother would do if you killed yourself?

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Old 15-04-2019, 06:37 PM   #1259
one_step_closer
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My brother is just vulnerable and life hurts everyone. He has had so many traumas and doesn't have any support, he has low self esteem, and he's very obviously depressed and anxious.

I know things would be worse in a way for my brother if I killed myself, and I try hard to hold on for him. It's just that I'm so tired of this struggle and I am terrified of life and being trapped here.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 15-04-2019, 07:27 PM   #1260
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I understand, it is tiring but maybe focus on something positive to hold on to, rather than the negative. Your brother is struggling too but is probably better for having you around, is that a positive thing you could focus on?

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