I'm sorry to hear that. Please don't fast, I know it seems like the answer, believe me I know, but you will get stuck in a restrictive, binge/purge cycle and that can be sooooo dangerous. Don't think you have to compensate for the days you over ate, if you have a healthy diet plan given by a dietician, then just follow that, talk to him/her about healthy ways to get back on track. I know you mentioned previously that you need to lose weight, I know people say this all this time, and it used to drive me INSANE but in my recovery I have realized it had to be true because there is no way I could go from the intake I was at to the intake I am now if it wasn't. If you restrict too much/too long, your body will adjust to the new calorie intake, and you will have to creep lower, and lower and this is what causes it to be so dangerous. Your body won't just digest fat, it can digest muscles, organs, etc. And then it takes a LONG time to retrain your body to maintain a normal BMR and keep your organs and what not functioning properly (and can make losing weight later feel almost impossible) When you do refeed after restricting, you tend to binge, and your body holds onto everything because it thinks it's starving to death. Regardless of how much fat you actually have, it's designed to survive and all it knows it that sometimes it gets no food and it doesn't know how long those periods without food will last, so it prepares for the worst.
I know how hard it is, really I do. I'm still struggling. But looking back on all these years I've struggled and the damage I've done to my body, I really wish I would've gotten help when it started instead of waiting. Have you tried reaching out to any medical professionals?
I hate that i know you're right, i know that long term ill have to creep lower to get a low weight, im as big as i am now because in the past when i have restricted and then ate 'normally' weight has piled on due to my metabolism being used to llow calories and due to a lack of control (telling myself that if i have to eat ill eat what i want - hence the weight gain). in the past restricting worked so i feel led to that, not nesecery total fasting but low calorie. im keeping a food diary but i dont know if its helping or triggering.
I am SO SORRY, I tried to post this Friday but apparently it didnt actually post and i judt now realized that. There are ways to repair metabolic damage. When I tried to recover on my own every single time I would pile on the pounds (which usually wasn't that many cuz I'd freak out before it got too out of control, but the amount of weight in the amount of time was excessive) drop intake severely, lose the few pounds I had gained and then be stuck.... It was a vicious cycle and when my best friend convinced me to go to treatment, I was sooooo terrified that I was going to gain a huge amount of weight, and I repeatedly said "I'll do that, but if I start gaining weight I'm done!" I never imagined I could eat as much as I do now (it's still not a normal diet, I just snack throughout the day, and it's taken me almost 6 months to build up to this intake, and I'm almost ready to start adding meals in) but I am starting to feel better. I used to not eat carbs which eliminated a lot of enjoyable food for me aside from my coffee. Now being able to eat my popcorn and fruit (I LOVE apples) and a few other things, it's nice to have that variety and have a couple things I enjoy eating every day, and I think understanding the health benefits of eating those foods has allowed me to enjoy the food not only for it's flavor, but also the nutrients I'm giving my body and knowing I'm making the right decision. I have gained some weight, but it's been a very tiny amount, I do struggle with that, BUT I keep telling myself this will get better. Thinking back on how I ate for so long, I wonder how I survived. Point being, I know how hard it is to go to someone in the medical field for help, but they can work with you to help you achieve a healthy weight without triggering a worse ED. The other thing to remember, too is if you're overweight when you become anorexic, you may never actually become super skinny because when you lose a large amount of weight, your body can halt everything because of how much of it's resources it's used in such a short time. You could go to a dietician without having to go to a doctor. Just explain your past and he/she could help balance a diet for you. My doctor is wonderful, and so was my therapist, but I'd have made absolutely no progress without my dietician, she helped me the absolute most in terms of everything. She had worked with lots of people recovering from an eating disorder, and was very gentle and understanding and encouraging. And they're much less scary than going to a therapist or regular doctor. Do you think you would consider going to see one? Even just once to see if they could help?
Sorry for bumping this up but once more i need support.
tryingbutconfused i hear you, thanks. i would love to have the guts to seek professional help, i know a dietician would be a good idea i just dont have the guts to be honest irl incase they see it and decide i need to go ip cause of my mental health :(
im stuck in a fast/binge/purge cycle that i know logically is wrong but keep justifying to myself.
i've got to admit ive been reading ed autobiographies and now am thinking well im not that unwell physically and mentally so i dont need to stop.
i dunno, i know im a mess but that little voice is saying you can do this, just drop another x pounds and life will be better...