Intense emotional pain

[one_step_closer]

Thanks, I'm pretty much pushing people away if they want to communicate via phone calls but...!

Things are a bit jumbled as usual. I keep getting frequent points of being terrified and suicidal etc. I don't think there is a point to me and I don't want to be alive but I feel completely trapped in life. It's kind of hard to die, for me it seems to be anyway. When I phoned my CPN on Friday it was the second day of me taking the Aripiprazole and she asked me if I had noticed any changes. I still haven't noticed any changes and that makes me feel a bit like a failure although I know it's early days and I wasn't expecting the med to do anything anyway. It scares me because it's sometimes like people don't take me seriously because a lot of the time meds don't help me, so my issues can't be 'serious' enough or something.

There are lots of things I want to talk to a pharmacist and/or GP about and I have various reminders to do so in my phone but I keep panicking at the thought of doing it. Speaking or filling in a form online. It's not important things, it's stuff like my toe walking and clumsiness and hearing issues, so I'm not sure if I even should talk to anyone about it. I also have a couple of questions for the fire people and I get panicky thinking about emailing them too even though the lady is really lovely and encourages me to email. I think a lot of my anxiety comes because all of this is communication and once I have spoken/written anything to someone else it's out there and it can't be ignored and I can't go back. Something then has to be done and it makes me feel like it's all out of control. It's especially difficult because I feel so disconnected so at the same time it doesn't feel real when I communicate with people and I might end up saying things I don't want to say.

[one_step_closer]

Also, would appreciate some input about how to occupy myself in the evening if anyone has any ideas. I have a set routine, mostly because I'm afraid of messing up my sleep since I used to spend so much time in bed and it made me suicidal. In my routine I'm at home all evening and it's hard to occupy myself because I don't want to do anything too stimulating. I usually read and watch TV but recently I've not managed to focus on these things in the evening. I tried a jigsaw last night but I only had a small light on since I didn't want to wake myself up with the ceiling lights and I couldn't really see what I was doing. I can do a bit of colouring but not for long. I don't listen to music unless I'm doing something else. A lot of the time I just want it to be the day time again so I can get out or have things planned to do. I don't want to go to bed any earlier.

[tamobhuuta]

Could you have a nice bath or shower? It can take up a lot of time, especially if you blow dry your hair. Use it as a time to physically look after yourself. I know you struggle with feeling worthy but I find acting opposite can help me feel in control.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. My hair goes extra wild if I blow dry it, and showering and/or washing my hair can be exhausting. I have a routine that suits me ok for getting washed and would feel anxious about changing it. Thanks for the idea though.

I spent a while last night writing lists of things like what I might want to say to my CPN or ask a GP about. I also wrote my CPN a thank you card.

I realised this morning that I actually haven't been too anxious/bothered about other world stuff this week as far as I remember. There has been less communication from the men and less focus on what is going on. I'm not thinking this is a big change though because my level of distress about various things changes quite often.

I've also clarified that it has been just over 2 years since I last overdosed. That kind of scares me because it feels like something important to do and because I used to overdose at least once or twice a month. It's not an achievement, I haven't overdosed mostly because I can't swallow lots of tablets any more and I get panicky when I think about overdosing anyway. This actually feels like things are falling apart for me when I know that objectively people would say I'm doing better.

[Soft Kitty]

I hear a lot of what you've just said. I know I can relate to behaviourally being very different from a few years ago, and how it feels to essentially hold a lot more pain inside. Sometimes self harm can feel like an expression of, or way of releasing that pain. And sometimes it feels like that's the only way it's heard (I'm not always totally convinced that isn't partially reality at times, as well). Anyway, I'm rambling, what I really wanted to say is that we know the pain you carry is deep and intense and real.

It seems a positive realisation that things have been quieter from the other world but I also know that can feel jarring and confusing. Even if they come back. Do you think the meds might be to do with that? I read what you wrote a bit ago about everyone being prescribed a lower dose than used to be the case. It's the same for me. I think aripip might be one of those weird ones that is actually more effective at a lower dose.

Re: routine, I'm not sure I'll be much help but are there any little self-care things you could do like painting your nails? Other things like writing lists (you can get specific books with prompts for this, or even just look it up on the internet). Gratitude journalling can be a nice part of routine but not everyone finds it helpful. I'm a strong advocate for learning to draw mandalas as that's a hugely positive and absorbing little activity for me and they are way less complicated than they look. Zentangle might be another possibility, or searching Pinterest or Craftgawker for something that might suit you might be an idea?

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

Maybe the Aripiprazole has helped with the other world stuff but I'm not sure since things can be all over the place a lot. I don't even know if it's safe for me not to be bothering too much about the other world stuff, I am worried about it because other people could be in danger but something in my brain is preventing me from thinking about it too much. It's like I know it's there and I know it's real but I'm just not thinking about it right at the front of my mind. I have been like this before quite a while ago I think.

Thanks for the evening routine ideas, I will have a think.

I finally submitted an online form to my GP surgery about my toe walking and hearing issues etc. Now I'm very, very panicky. It's hard to deal with life when I'm so anxious most of the time. Plus the gym group worker keeps phoning me and I haven't managed to answer. I don't think anyone would be willing to offer me other contact methods since phone calls are the most convenient for them. I'm getting really upset and worried about not being able to do phone calls.

[nonperson]

Does the gym group worker call from a mobile number? If so could you maybe text back and say you're sorry you missed the call and explain that you're easier to get hold of by text message?

[Koala hugs]

Hey just saw this and wanted to say I'm really sorry ur going through a tough time and that I hope things improve for you very soon I can remember the anxiety levels you are going through happening with me in the past I just want you to know that your not alone in this and I think you are very brave in contacting your cpn recently please don't feel you have to reply to this message if it would make you tense or anxious just felt I should send u this take care and thanks for supporting me the other day I really appreciate it

[Koala hugs]

Well done on going to tesco!! 😀 I also believe that the cats will miss u but will be OK. I know someone who used to know someone who worked at my local tesco and I was worried I'd be judged for buying junk food but apparently they don't judge one but and have seen it all before so if another time you need to be served by a perdon try not to worry, that said sometimes the machine is preferable so you don't have to communicate with anyone. Really hope you get a bed soon sometimes the waiting is the hardest bit but hang on in there. Also there are companies you can hire that come into your home and help you to declutter not that I'm saying that you are cluttery at your home and I have no idea how affordable they are but there's one local to me that's on Facebook so If you need help with it maybe search in the Facebook search bar thingy apparently there very discreet or alternatively you could have things stay the same if you arnt feeling well enough to deal with it and I am sure that the cat sitter lady has seen far worse sorry I'm making it sound like you live in a dirty crammed flat like mine and that wasn't my intention at all *shuts up*

[one_step_closer]

Thank you both.

The gym group worker phones from the office landline. They all have mobiles but I don't think we're allowed to know their number and I know that the gym group worker has said she doesn't keep service users numbers in her phone or in her diary. I'm trying hard to go to the gym group today so will see if I can speak to her.

Thanks Koala hugs, I'm not waiting on a bed in hospital any more. Myself and my CPN decided it's probably not needed now. I do keep getting to points where I think it might help but I'm not going to mention it because there is probably still a bed crisis and I also think at points that it wouldn't help. I'm safe at home anyway.

[Koala hugs]

Yeah sorry must have read the wrong page then got logged out n my reply ended up here

[Koala hugs]

Glad you are feeling a bit better

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

There is a strangely 'ok' background to things at the moment apart from regular spikes of dread and panic about my brother, the difficult things in life, and what could happen in the future.

I emailed the fire person this morning but she hasn't replied yet. The GP surgery also phoned and left a message for me to phone them back which I managed to do and they asked me to make a routine appointment.

I went to the gym group and it was alright.

Something weird and stabby emotionally in my brain is bugging me though.

I'm not sure if I like the strangely ok background as weird as that might sound. I'm still really low and anxious etc but it has changed a bit and it just feels ??? I need some proper communication from the men because I am putting people in danger. I am such an idiot.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

It seems you've had a positive day and you should be proud of yourself, you've battled today and that's really brave (to say the least).

[one_step_closer]

Thanks.

Right now I can't even force myself to think about other world stuff and properly get into it. When I'm thinking about it hugely it's really the men's influence rather than my own. Maybe the Aripiprazole is blocking the communication channels like some depots have done before. I'm not sure how I feel about this except I don't think I want it to be a long term thing.

[one_step_closer]

I am properly annoying myself. I think the Aripiprazole is also affecting my focus. I haven't been able to watch TV since I started it, even the programmes that I always have full focus on. I put something on for a couple of minutes then change it to something else then give up. I can't do much reading. I can't do sit down and focus activities that involve one similar thing for too long, like colouring. I'm better with more physical stuff like tidying but there's not much to do. The internet can be ok since I can go on different sites and interact here etc. I'm wondering if this is kind of like the akathisia I experienced before on Aripiprazole. I think I can feel the brain strangeness but there is no urge to keep moving my legs and arms and keep standing up and stuff. I'm hoping it will wear off. I'm just not sure how to occupy myself in the evening when I'm stuck inside. During the day I can wander or go on the bus or something.

[one_step_closer]

Evenings are getting really hard now because I'm so restless and lacking in focus. For a long time last night I was just pacing, stamping my feet, hitting my head, making repetitive movements and noises. I do these things anyway but more so recently. It's hard to pass the time in the evening because I can't go out and I don't like to go online much that late. If anyone has any ideas of kind of physical things I could do that won't make me more awake just before bed then I'd be grateful to hear them.

Also, sorry if I end up not posting supportive replies to people today but still post in my own support threads.

[nonperson]

Might not be your thing but what about yoga? Or a routine of stretches or something, semi-physical but not intensely so. That would help with the focus issues too.

[one_step_closer]

Yeah I will see if I can give that a try, thanks NP.

I was supposed to be meeting up with someone from the gym group today but I cancelled last night because I feel so awful. I'm not sure I even would have wanted to meet up if I had felt ok. I'm just socially useless and too anxious and awkward.

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow. I've been holding on tight to this. I hope I can communicate stuff properly, I'm going to write some things anyway.

I'm not sure what the point in my life is and as I've said before I don't even want a point. Everything inside of me is battling against me.

[one_step_closer]

I don't know what to do. I need to die but I can never seem to get it right. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I need out. I am trapped.