I think if your finding your usual coping strategies aren't working then that is a good time to get in contact with someone for some extra support. I know it can be tempting to just take pills so you just shut off but it doesn't deal with it, it just delays the feelings sometimes even causing them to build up. Things sound very difficult and painful right now, I imagine it would be very exhausting to be in such a heightened emotional state. Can you try and do a bit of self soothing? Even if you don't necessarily want to do it. As it can sometimes help to do some opposite action in relation to how we are feeling in order to help change that emotion. Take care
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
First of all I want to say thank you for all the hugs and replies, I'm very grateful <3
I got through last night safe.
I'm distracting watching Night at the museum currently.
I feel full of dread though. Full of hopelessness.
What if my mind won't ever let me get better? Or better than whatever this is?
I'm constantly running on 5 hours sleep or less and that is currently with sleep meds. Everyday I feel like death half warmed up.
There is no enjoyment to my life.
I have zero purpose.
Even when friends plan fun things half the time I don't go as I've lost all pleasure in doing the things I used to.
Sport, art, hanging out, vol work, animal stuff - zilch enjoyment. I'm literally a shell of who I once was. It's pretty fucking sad. Theres no passion or joy.
I don't want to die, I just want to escape away from reality until I can feel a positive emotion - even though I know things don't work like that. But what I'm doing right now isn't working.
I'm scared to write this but what if all the positives died with F, it's only when I met her that they really came to life.... I guess that is really my worst fear is that nothing will change despite my efforts and I will come to an end like she did....
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I can identify with a lot of what you are saying but I can also honestly say I've known people with similar feelings/experiences who have genuinely moved on and are honest to God happy, positive people. Yeah it took them a while and a lot of work to get there but they did. I try and focus on that when everything seems hopeless and I can't see the joy in life. There's nothing else constructive I can really say tbh other than *sends more love and hugs and hope*
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
It's positive to hear that you know of other people who have been able to work through it. I think for me what hasn't helped in the case of F was that I have never been offered any help to work through my grief even though it's 3 years and I'm still struggling and mh team are fully aware of that. But apparently they deal with grief stuff.... funding cuts I suppose.
I went to see my ED therapist today, on the whole it was a really good session. But it came up about me waiting for psychotherapy (been on waiting list almost 12 months) I'm literally next in line to start it, once someone else finishes. And we've been told that will be in December fingers crossed. But now I've been told by her that they'll likely have to keep me on the list as they don't like people doing two therapies at once. So I'll have to wait till I've finished the ED stuff. And it's just totally crushed me.
I just feel like my life is on hold with not a lot of hope tbh right now. But knowing that was coming up was keeping me going. Knowing I could work through everything. And it's all for nothing all for waiting and wasting my life away.
Like what even is theeeeeee point. SERIOUSLY.
I know I sound rather bratish right now, I realise that. I'm just highly frustrated. Wasted a year of my life out of rehab and for what exactly.
Yes I've had a shit year and coped fucking well but it's been bloody miserable to be quite frank.
I'm not living whatsoever.
And this has removed any hope I did have.
So many intrusive images/thoughts, it's costraphobic.
I'm scared.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
Completely fell apart on my CC. Admitted I had plans to OD.
Handed meds in.
Am back under HTT again. Am seeing them again tomorrow.
But to what end..
This whole thing is pointless.
I'm only wasting their time, when the inevitable will happen anyway.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I am sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment, how was your weekend have things settled down for you?
Have you got things planned to do all week? If you are seeing your home treatment team, i would suggest you keep diary of everything that's been happening for you and see if they can assist you further and perhaps come up with a plan to prevent further relapses/crisis and help you cope with everything in your life.
Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.
Things have got a little better in terms of not being so sleep deprived. And I can actually feel stuff now I'm half with it. Only getting 5 hours a night with PRN but better than nothing.
In terms of emotions, well today was going well. HTT have been and gone everything was good they were pleased.
But now, memories, flashbacks etc. That day I knew something was really wrong trying to make contact, trying to get my CC to make contact with the place. That day I got the call about X being in a coma. Having to break the news to X knowing I was breaking her heart. Just ughhh. I'm trying to hold it all in but it's so hard to keep it together.
And finding out people who were there when what happened happened, are still blaming themselves, and are still not getting support for it. Like wtaf so so angry. Like all th emotions all at once.
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
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