I am 16, was abused by 4 different people, all v.close to me. I have forgiven them all but I can't forgive myself for letting it happen.
The first guy was my brother, yer my brother... now I love him to pieces and we had been through a terrible time about 3/4 years before the abuse started, I'm so close to him and he has appologised to me so I love him still. He would make me do things to him, I was only 8/9 so didn't really know what was going on. He also nearly raped me...
The second time was by my best mate, a girl called Emma. By now I was about 10, I could have stopped this from happening and I should have. She also made me do things.
The third time I was 11, and once again it was a close friend of mine, a guy called Matt. He would make me do things to him and this carried on for about 1yr on and off.
Finally last yr I went out with this guy called Ben, a real charmer and he did things to me and made me do things to him in return. It started out as just kissing but got worse.
For 7 or 8 yrs I have managed to block this out but then I met someone else who was abused and then it came flooding back. Now I get flashbacks, I don't see or feel anything, I just hear it all... over and over in my head.
I want to be free from this, to live my life like I was before all of this. I want to be able to grow in my relationship with God but atm I can't because I am living in the shadow of my past. To be able to grow into the Woman of God my Lord wants me to be I need to let this go, I just hate myself for enjoying it at times and for letting it happen.
If anyone can help, I would be very grateful.
God bless you all, you're in my prayers.
Ami x
Last edited by On.My.Way : 04-06-2007 at 09:17 PM.
heya babe, im sorry so very sorry this happened to you, no-one should ever have this happen to them.
i know you've forgiven most of the abusuers but really you do need to talk about this to someone, like ToLiveIsToLoveThePain said maybe try getting a counsellor?
good luck babe
always here if you need a chat PM me anytime.
Talking about this stuff is a big step in getting over it. Maybe you have a good friend you can confide in. Then of course there's always a therapist and since you seem religious there might be a priest or youth counselor you can trust. Don't blame yourself sweetie, it wasn't your fault with anyone. And by "enjoying" it you mean that your body reacte to any touch don't feel guilty it's not your fault for that at all. When you get touched there it feels good no matter who it is or the circumstances, just like when you get hit it hurts no matter who it is or the circumstances. It's a physical reaction you can't control. *hugs* You can get help for this honey, just look for people who can fill the part.
Thanks for the advice. I tried counselling and it didn't work out. But I've been in touch with connexions recently and they are easy to talk to so will continue talking to them. My mum knows about what happened with my brother but we don't talk about it. I only mentioned it once and she said it was wrong, nothing else. She's blocked it out, so has he and so had I until about 1month ago.
God bless you all, you're all in my prayers
Ami. x
You're not alone in experiencing flashbacks and reliving parts of what happened to you. And what happened to you was horrible, I'm sorry you went through that.
It's great that you have someone at connexions that you can talk to. Perhaps at some point that person will advise you that there is someone else better qualified to offer you more specialist support, perhaps a trained rape counsellor, and I would urge you to be open to that possibility should it arise. But for right now, you have someone to talk to who you feel comfortable with and that's the most important thing.
You might also want to consider talking to the connexions person about your relationship with your mother, and also potentially having a joint session with your mother and the connexions worker to see if some positive changes can be made in your relationship to improve communication adn ensure that you are offered more support at home.
I'm curious that you say that your abuse history is affecting your relationshipw with God. In what way do you think/feel your relationship is affected? If you do have concerns you can bring them up with your pastor/priest, who will possibly be in a better position to address them than myself, but I'm more than happy to talk through any concerns that you might have. Drop me a PM, if you want, or reply here, but a PM is more likely to get my attention.
Stay safe, hun, and know you are special.
Rhi
Thank you for letting me stay here
Thank you for taking me in
Hey Ami,
Listen, you are a wonderful woman of GOd. gOd will always love you no matter what happens in life. but you must remember that maybe things seem hard and it seems like your looking at a huge black hole but you will cross it, i understand your pain, and i love you, i will always be here
signed
the forgotten child
