Questioning your sexuality, whether that means you think you may be gay, or in the wrong sexed body, or asexual, can be really hard. It often leads to people feeling confused, with and feelings of self hatred, or shame. However, however lonely or alienated you feel, you are not alone, either on RYL or in real life.
If you want to have a chat to other "not quite straight" people, head on over to the Rainbow Room. It may look intimidating, but it's not! I personally have made some of the best friends ever by talking to people in that thread :) And if you want support or advice, you can either post in this thread or make a post in General Support and Advice. If you want to talk One-to-One with anyone, feel free to drop me [Queen Crabbit] a PM, or get in touch with the supporters - either via Live Help or by dropping them an email at support@recoveryourlife.com .
Think you might be Gay, Lesbian, or Bisexual? Have a look at this post.
Having problems with your gender? Take a look here.
Wondering if you even have a sexuality? Here you go :)
Edit: I also wanted to add that if anyone has any good links or support places and stuff that they've found useful, PM me and I'll add them to the relevant post :)
Last edited by random.swirls : 12-04-2009 at 09:35 PM.
Reason: Eggs
Did you know that, officially, 6% of the UK's population is gay/lesbian - which in realistic terms, makes the percentage much larger. Young LGB people are up to 3-6 times more likely to self harm, and/or attempt suicide than heterosexual young people, and approximately 40% of all young LGBT people have self harmed and/or attempted suicide at least once.
As those statistics show, if you are questioning your sexuality, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
The important thing to remember is that sexuality is not a static thing. And just because you fancy, or even fall in love with, a member of the same sex, doesn't mean that you are necessarily gay. And if you think that you are, then there's nothing wrong with that either. The best piece of advice anyone ever gave me was to not put myself in a box. If I had to label myself, it would be as bisexual, but that may change in a couple of years, and I know a lot of people that would say the same. Just go with the flow, experiment, and have fun!
As for coming out, when and if you decide to, I think this quote pretty much sums it up:
Be who you are, and say what you feel.
Because the people that matter don't mind,
And the people that mind don't matter.
I asked one girl to share her story, and she did :)
The first time I realised I 'fancied the fanny' eh? :P I guess the first time that I ever realised/accepted [I still haven't decided] it, was just when a girl started flirting with me and I liked it? I returned the flirting and she ended up opening my eyes to this whole other world - quite literally :P I mean, she sent me links to 'The L Word', how could I not realise after that?! Haha. This was the beginning of my first 6th form year, so Year 12, 16 years old (Y) I still kind of wonder now though, whether if she hadn't started doing that, I wouldn't ever have accepted I had any feelings for women at all. But I guess I'll never know.
I really was one of the lucky ones I guess, the fact that I had this friend in the first place who could tell me about her life, and what was going on with her and girls just made it seem so normal - incidentally I ended up getting with her a couple of times that year - but the fact that I had her there, really just meant that I didn't feel like I was completely alone in what I was feeling & I wasn't ever made to feel so? Then of course started up the Rainbow Room here, and that alone feeling never had to grace my doors again because DAMN this site is full of them ;P
I never told the people at school about it, it was one of those things that despite being comfortable with, I didn't want to be spread around an all girls school. And sure there were rumours - but hey, aren't there always? A couple of people at school did know/find out but they were friends and understood my want to keep it quiet. However most of my friends outside school now know, and they're all happy to accept it - where again I was lucky to have such good friends.
Now at 17, nearly 18, and just finished 6th form, I'm kind of ready to come out to them if the moment comes up [although I'm pretty sure there are strong suspicions already - I've always denied it to them when they've made comments :P], and when I go to uni it won't be something that I hide.
I came out to my mum about a month back now, horrifically drunk and crying, but she also accepted it [and decided that then was the best time to tell me she'd had lesbian experiences too :P]. Maybe drunk and crying wasn't the best way to do it, and it'll never be mentioned again, but I think letting her a little into my life was a good step.
I'm just sort of going with it now. I'm still attracted to guys, and I dunno whether someday I'll end up married to a woman or a man [if at all]. But hey sexuality's fluid, and going with it seems the best option at the moment. It's just one of those things, and to be able to accept it was one of the luckiest things I think I've ever done. Who cares who you fall for or who you sex? It's your life, and it's yours to live however and in whatever way you feel you want to.
LGB Support Sites:
Thank you very much to Josh [JoshTheFagBoi] for sharing his story :)
From the age of four, I would tell people when I grow up I wanted to be a boy. I used to try and pee standing up and act like a boy. On birthday’s when I blew out my candles; I would wish to be a boy and every morning wake up and see if I had grown a penis (obviously that never happened). I sort of did this religiously until I was seven. When I realised I couldn’t become a boy this way; I spent the rest of my childhood running around as a tomboy and playing with the lads at school. I joined the football team, and I wanted to join Boys Brigade, but I ended up in Rainbows and Brownies.
Wearing clothes I always wore boys clothes, I refused to wear a bra until someone made a comment about it at school and I had told my Mother. I hated going through puberty, it made me suicidal and depressed. When I reached the age of thirteen I read somewhere about being transgendered and began to wonder if that was me, by this point bullying and other problems pushed this to the back of my mind, and this was all up at the front, leading to me beginning self harm.
When I turned sixteen, I thought I might have been a lesbian, and began this new lifestyle feeling slightly more comfortable; but also not feeling right still. I decided that when I was eighteen I would begin my transition as a female to male transsexual, only from talking to another member on RYL did I decide to get the courage for this, I began binding down my chest and got a haircut. I chose a male name to be called by and began my first steps of transition.
After six months I saw Dr. Richard Curtis - a transgendered specialist in London. He confirmed I had gender dysphoria and told me to return in three months and we would reassess my situation. Within those three months I changed my name legally, purchased proper chest binders and began living full time as a male. On returning to Dr. Curtis I was given the go ahead to start male hormones and I now take Sustanon 250, fortnightly, under instruction from my GP; and it being administrated by the practice nurse. I undergo regular blood tests to check my testosterone level isn’t too high, and make sure my liver and other internal organs are reacting ok to the changes.
I have noticed changes in my voice, body shape, muscle mass, hair growth on the body as well as facial hair and skin changes. To mark the beginning of my transition I got a tattoo of XY on my left arm to symbolise the male chromosomes.
From the shy quiet girl I began my life, now I have become a slowly growing in confidence young man, trying to get my derailed life back on track. This wouldn’t of been possible without the support of my friends and family and people I have met over the last few years - the majority of them coming from here.
The other side of this is people who, for whatever reason, don't have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality, or sex in general. People who're completely scared/resistant of sex in any form, and have never had a sexual relationship because of this. They don't even know what their sexuality is because they have no real experience of it.
This isn't to say that they have no sexuality. It's just not been allowed to develop or properly express itself. Emotional abuse and emotional neglect can be particular causes of this.
There are parents, like my own, who were also uncomfortable in their own skins, and felt threatened by their daughter 'becoming a woman' and so they kept me as a 'little girl'. Alongside bullying that also attaked my physical appearance, I was left feeling terminally unlovable, and feel that noone will ever admire me physically and sexually. Intimate relationships were something that just didn't happen to me. It is only now, with the help of therapy, that I am able to get in touch with actually having feelings of grief and longing about this.
We kind of exist in a netherworld on the internet. Often our feeling threatened by sex hasn't come about through being sexually abused [this doesn't mean that our sexuality, ourselves as potentially sexual beings hasn't been abused. There is a fine distinction.] and so people can have a hard time understanding us. Added to that we feel ashamed and less than human. We need support to accept our bodies, and safe space to express our feelings without fear of ridicule.
Okay so I hope it is okay if I post this here in this thread.
I'm just not sure about myself. I'm not interested in guys, but I'm not interested in girls either. Okay, so of course I say "oh, he's cute" or "she's so pretty", but I could never, ever imagine myself having a sexual relationship with these people.
I've never had a boyfriend, hell, I've never even kissed a guy before.
I wasn't sexually abused, so it can't be that, but I am still so afraid of it and feel so disgusted by it.
Sometimes I wish I'd have someone, just so I could prove that I'm normal and enjoy what other people enjoy, but it's just so..gross. I can't picture myself with anyone, I can't picture myself being able to undress myself in front of anyone, I think I'd rather die.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way. I am so embarassed when people in my class are talking about who they're having sex with and who their latest boyfriend is and whatever, and I try to keep up by pretending I know everything about it, but actually, I don't.
I wish I did, though. I don't really know how to change it, since I'm not a very outgoing person and in my room most of the time when I'm not at school.
Sorry, I just really had to get that off my chest cause I never told anyone about it because I am so ashamed.
Oh, I'm 18 by the way, if anyone is wondering.
It's fine to post here. And I wanted to say how much I can relate. [I'm much older, though...]
How do your parents relate to their own sexuality/bodies?
I'm not quite sure about my parents. I mean, as far as I know, they're having sex once in a while and everything, but they never really talked to us about it - we just learned from school and the internet and the like. It was always kind of a taboo issue.
They're both not content with their weight, but who is nowadays. Other than that..I can't say much.
If I didn't want people to post here, I would have locked the thread, so go ahead :)
You could just be a late bloomer. Not in the developing sense, but the emotional etc sense. If that makes any sense. I'm saying "sense" too much, I sense And now it's losing all meaning.
Anyway, back on topic. Some people just aren't interested in sex that much. Some people fall in love with a person but never want to have sex with them, some people are sex mad and sleep with everyone they can, others fall in between. The important thing to stress is that there IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Just, take it at your own pace. Wait until you meet someone you like, and see how it goes from there.
You could also be asexual, but I have to say that's something I don't know much about. But, like I said up there ^^^, putting labels on it makes it a lot harder most of the time.
I guess I've never really thought about being a late bloomer since with other things, I've always been really early so it just seems kind of weird to me.
I don't want to end up an old spinster, unhappy with my life and everyone just cause I don't have a husband and a familiy and whatever.
I just feel so weird about it, like I really should do something or change something or try and get a boyfriend, but I don't really care about anyone. As friends, yeah, but not for more.
I don't really care what I am, I just don't want to be an outsider for the rest of my life and constantly feel like I don't fit in and like I have to make up lies so I can at least keep up with other people.
"I don't really care what I am, I just don't want to be an outsider for the rest of my life and constantly feel like I don't fit in and like I have to make up lies so I can at least keep up with other people."
That's really sad to hear, probably because I can relate to it.
I've known I was into girls since..well about the start of secondary school. I've never had a boyfriend but I always pretended I liked guys so my friends and family wouldn't know.
I "came out" to my mum at the start of this year. I took the adult approach of sending her a text telling her lol. I'm 21 and still scared of what people may think when I tell them! But, after telling my mum I feel better. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years, I've honestly never been happier. Me and her have both had issues with our mums knowing about us- but we love each other, therefore what anyone else thinks or says about us really doesn't matter.
I don't think you can ever be too young to know. Only YOU know when you know, someone else cannot dictate your sexuality to you.
You shouldn't have to hide who you are just to make other people feel comfortable. Living a lie just makes you miserable.
antsy_pants, your story sounded pretty alike to mine.
I'll soon be 19 and I've never had a boyfriend nor a girlfriend. I've never had any sexual intercourse with a boy or a girl. Oh, that would be lying. I was abused when I was 8/9. I hope I still can answer to you.
But your story felt like words coming out of my mouth. I could never imagine myself having sex. That'd be just so absurd. When I started a high school I had never been in a locker room changing. I always did my changing in a toilet. I couldn't let anybody see me. In high school I stood in a locker room but I was very shamed of seeing others' half-naked bodies and I changed my clothes quickly and wore a shirt under another so I didn't have to show my body. Not to mention about taking a shower!
My first kiss between friends was when I was 17(or 18, I'm not sure). There was nothing sexual in it, though it still felt weird somehow. It was a big deal for me. I let another person so close to me that she was able to kiss me. And I was too scared to tell her I didn't feel comfortable with it, even that she was my best friend. I didn't want to be a stranger.
There is probably no sense in my writing. I just wanted to tell you you are not alone with your kind of feelings. There are others.
I you'd like to, feel free to PM me.
3. Noun: A person who is a member of a pansexual group or a person who associates with people of all sexual orientations but is not necessarily interested in sex with people of all sexes or genders though they may be comfortable with public displays of affection (PDAs) or semi-public sexual activity which is not confined to their own sexual orientation.
4. Noun: One who perceives all activities and experiences as sexual.
5. Noun: One who believes that all consensual activities are ethical.
6. Noun. One who believes that all
human behavior stems from the sex drive.
7. Adj. Pertaining to a person, group, or idea fitting the above descriptions.
Derivation: From the greek "pan" (meaning "all") and the english "sexual"
loving a person for WHO they are and not what they are
PM me if you have any other questions or need support about Pansexuality. I questioned my sexuality for Three years before my friend informed me on Pansexuality. I had felt so frusterated with myself because I couldn't fit myself into any category. Not even Bisexuality seemed to fit. I'm now an Out And Proud Pan so I can educate and help others so they do not have to go through the questioning that I did. Hope I have Helped!!!
Hi i was just wondering if anyone could help me in any way or if anyone had a similar situation? My friend told me she was bi a few months ago and i have always felt as if i've been attracted to her and then when she said that i was almost sure. I've kissed the same number of girls as guys but i guess i always just assumed i was straight and the girls was just an expression of deep friendship. I don't want to put a label on myself so i dont feel i can tell anyone incase i've put on the wrong label!
This is the first time i've ever told anyone this and im not really sure where to head with it. I cant imagine having a girlfriend but i can imagine having a very intimate relationship with a girl just without the title. I find guys hot and girls more as attractive and i prefer how close girls can be if that makes sense? I don't really know what this is trying to achieve but i wanted to get this out somewhere where im not immediately going to have a label slapped on me, it's like a t-shirt, what if i put on red and its not actually the right colour for me but i'm already wearing it so its hard to change it without revealing a bit too much!
that was a really weird metaphor simile thing...
I kind of felt like I had to reply to this thread, because it's made me really think about things that I tend not to let myself dwell on. I do feel that I have a sexuality (Bi, I suppose), but I'm kind of terrified of it. I'm 19 years old and I've never even been kissed. I've had a 'girlfriend', but seeing as I was pretty damn depressed at the time it was a bit of a disaster and the most we ever did was hold hands. The thing is, if I got another girl/boyfriend, I'm not sure it'd be any easier now I'm not so down. I'm scared to even let people get that close. Not that they even seem to try. It kind of kills your self esteem when, even if the idea scares the hell out of you, nobody wants to have sex with you anyway. Or even kiss you, for that matter. It's got to the point where I just don't know whether it's something wrong with me or a total lack of experience that's making me feel this way. Anyone else feel like this? Sexual, but frightened?
'Are you, or are you not, hip to my jive?' - SBP Sirius <3
I kind of felt like I had to reply to this thread, because it's made me really think about things that I tend not to let myself dwell on. I do feel that I have a sexuality (Bi, I suppose), but I'm kind of terrified of it. I'm 19 years old and I've never even been kissed. I've had a 'girlfriend', but seeing as I was pretty damn depressed at the time it was a bit of a disaster and the most we ever did was hold hands. The thing is, if I got another girl/boyfriend, I'm not sure it'd be any easier now I'm not so down. I'm scared to even let people get that close. Not that they even seem to try. It kind of kills your self esteem when, even if the idea scares the hell out of you, nobody wants to have sex with you anyway. Or even kiss you, for that matter. It's got to the point where I just don't know whether it's something wrong with me or a total lack of experience that's making me feel this way. Anyone else feel like this? Sexual, but frightened?
i feel exactly the same, i had a 'boyfreind' and all we did was hold hands for two months before i paniced and finished it. your not alone.
"I would be almighty in my own world of art, even if I had to paint my pictures with my wet tongue on the dusty floor of my cell." -Picasso
"No, painting is not done to decorate apartments. It is an instrument of war." - Picasso
'I have scars becuase I have a past; but they, like my past, do not define my future'
And now it's losing all meaning.
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