Assuming friendships are closer than they really are

I’ve wondered if it is more common than we think to assume friendships with others are closer than they really are. In other words, we may believe all of our friends or acquaintances like us just as much as we like them. I have seen this backfire on others and even with me. I’ve made that mistake, which leads to hurt feelings and making those who were rejected to believe everyone is just hostile constantly.

Yes there are people out there that really are just plain rude, but at the same time, there are people who actually may like you, they just may not like you as much as you like them. In other cases, someone may assume they are best friends with someone when in reality, that other person doesn’t feel the same way. One may consider someone a best friend while the other person sees it nothing more than a casual friendship or even just acquaintances. Do you think this is pretty common?

I think it happens more so than we realize. It can happen to anyone. Have you ever experienced this? Have you also had anyone think you guys were great friends or liked you a lot when you didn’t feel the same way? This is also one of the reasons I like to take things slowly, that way friendships don’t become one-sided. I feel like that’s how one-sided friendships are born. One person likes the other way more and maybe even way too quickly.

Has anyone ever made this mistake? I know I have, not so much anymore but I used to. I’ve had friends who made that mistake with others and they felt hurt, understandably so, when they realized some people didn’t feel the same way. It caused then to assume that people are just plain rude when in fact, they were liked just fine, just not as close. Some people are plain rude, but not all of them.

[Straight 3]

You're not alone, I've also made this mistake. Most, if not all my friendships were one-sided. I think because I was too quick to call people a friend they would see me as needy and either take advantage (financially) or back away with no warning and leave me hanging wondering what I did or did not do/say right/wrong, now, I'm very cautious with people that I sense are fair-weather friends and only allow myself to give little in return. This was the case for me not all that long ago in fact. I've changed now and would never tolerate what I use to to gain friends. I would rather appreciate my own company and If I have even brief moments of contact with people that are meaningful, that's goo enough for me.

I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice, but wanted to let you know I can relate to everything you wrote. I don't know the answer to avoid becoming and people pleaser. I guess since I don't know anything else, I must protect myself and keep my guard up to avoid being hurt all the time.

If I can think of something helpful to say I might return and post it because its also not good to never let the wall down and allow friendship to occur. I just don't have the solution.

[Greyscale]

i think it's not uncommon. I think also people can like each other an equal amount but have different ideas of what that means in practice. One person might want to text a lot whereas the other might not be super communicative outside of in person interactions, and that doesn't necessarily mean one person values the relationship more than the other, just that they express, enjoy, and experience it in different ways.

I think establishing relationship norms and expectations can help make sure everyone feels comfortable with the level of interaction and lead to fewer misunderstandings and let downs. Just like people have different 'love languages' in romantic relationships, I think people similarly have different ways of expressing friendship. And making sure people want the same level of friendship and what that looks like helps everyone get their needs med and have their boundaries respected.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Straight 3

You're not alone, I've also made this mistake. Most, if not all my friendships were one-sided. I think because I was too quick to call people a friend they would see me as needy and either take advantage (financially) or back away with no warning and leave me hanging wondering what I did or did not do/say right/wrong, now, I'm very cautious with people that I sense are fair-weather friends and only allow myself to give little in return. This was the case for me not all that long ago in fact. I've changed now and would never tolerate what I use to to gain friends. I would rather appreciate my own company and If I have even brief moments of contact with people that are meaningful, that's goo enough for me.

I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice, but wanted to let you know I can relate to everything you wrote. I don't know the answer to avoid becoming and people pleaser. I guess since I don't know anything else, I must protect myself and keep my guard up to avoid being hurt all the time.

If I can think of something helpful to say I might return and post it because its also not good to never let the wall down and allow friendship to occur. I just don't have the solution.

Yeah same here. I'm very cautious now too. I take things very slowly and don't really let people get too close to me, at least not for awhile since I know at any time they could turn against me. I've been taken advantage of financially too. It sucks. Out of all the people that have done that, only oe person stopped using me financially after I stood my ground. She no longer uses me anymore. So sometimes you just have to stand your ground and that will give you some respect from others.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greyscale

i think it's not uncommon. I think also people can like each other an equal amount but have different ideas of what that means in practice. One person might want to text a lot whereas the other might not be super communicative outside of in person interactions, and that doesn't necessarily mean one person values the relationship more than the other, just that they express, enjoy, and experience it in different ways.

I think establishing relationship norms and expectations can help make sure everyone feels comfortable with the level of interaction and lead to fewer misunderstandings and let downs. Just like people have different 'love languages' in romantic relationships, I think people similarly have different ways of expressing friendship. And making sure people want the same level of friendship and what that looks like helps everyone get their needs med and have their boundaries respected.

Yeah true. Everyone has different expectations which could also lead to miscommunication too.