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Old 08-12-2017, 12:22 AM   #1
Ginny
 
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Losing the plot

I haven't SI-ed in about 18 months and am just having a bad day with it today. This time of year is always bad - I usually start thinking about my life choices and wondering where I would be if I'd done things different - never a good idea - so recently SI has been on my mind alot even though I haven't cut. I had the house to myself this evening and basically made the decision to cut, almost in my head just to prove to myself that I still can (which makes me feel as though I've gone slightly barmy). Went on a hunting expedition for tools as I wasn't quite sure where I'd put things after so long and had a tool chuck out a while back when I was in a good place. Had a complete panic when I couldn't find anything. Eventually found something that I deemed vaguely suitable. Managed to put it in my bedside drawer and go back downstairs without cutting. Felt so much calmer once I knew I had something there to use if I needed it, which is making me feel as though I've lost the plot slightly. Still can't stop thinking about it and am seriously craving cutting. Hoping that if I can sleep tonight the cravings will be better tomorrow... hard getting through this evening though! After so many years clear except for a slight brief relapse last year, I feel like a failure to be back in this place again.



I've Been Dreaming For So Long
To Find The Meaning, To Understand
The Secret Of Life
Why Am I Here?
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Old 08-12-2017, 12:33 AM   #2
nonperson
 
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I understand where you're coming from. Something about proving to myself that I can still do it.... like that's some sort of achievement!

I'm sorry I have no real advice, I just want to say I understand and have gone through a similar thing recently.

Throw the tools out while you're still undecided.... you know you don't want to be in that place again.

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Old 08-12-2017, 01:20 AM   #3
Ginny
 
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Just knowing that someone 'gets it' really helps, as I'm aware that if I spoke to any one of the three people I'm close to about this, they really wouldn't get it and I don't want to have to deal with that. I'm not throwing the tools out though. The panic of not having anything was awful. Not sure why I feel so much better knowing I have the option, just makes me feel more in control of the decision, even if the decision is not to.



I've Been Dreaming For So Long
To Find The Meaning, To Understand
The Secret Of Life
Why Am I Here?
To Try Again

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Old 08-12-2017, 08:36 PM   #4
Juella
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It can be really difficult to try to explain self-harm to people who never experienced it, and feel as if no one gets it. But you're in a right place here, we all get it and you definitely aren't alone in your struggles.
I understand not being ready to get rid of your tools. It might only add pressure, so you can do it when you feel ready. It is important for all of us to feel like we're in control. When the choice is taken away from us, even if we're left with a good option, the feeling of not being able to decide what to do is frustrating and scary, and can even push you to seek alternative for the sake of having it. But you always have a choice. Your life is yours entirely, and decision is always up to you.



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Old 09-12-2017, 09:54 PM   #5
one_step_closer
 
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I can relate to getting really distressed and panicky when there is nothing around to self harm with. I think sometimes that panic can lead to risky decisions when maybe if you had the option to self harm you wouldn't get to such a difficult place so wouldn't end up self harming. But again there it can also be helpful to not have tools around in case you use them impulsively. It's a hard one. What usually helps you through this time of the year?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-12-2017, 06:10 PM   #6
Ginny
 
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Thank you both. No idea what usually gets me through this time of year - probably increasing amounts of alcohol, which isn't exactly a good thing. It'll be January before I know it (And I'm going to keep telling myself that!)



I've Been Dreaming For So Long
To Find The Meaning, To Understand
The Secret Of Life
Why Am I Here?
To Try Again

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Old 14-12-2017, 08:08 PM   #7
one_step_closer
 
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That's a good thing to focus on (that January will be soon), when I'm in a tough situation I sometimes try to remind myself that every second that goes past it's getting closer to the situation being over. Best wishes through this period. Please keep posting if it helps.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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